I’ve had these sunflowers a week and they’re still beautiful. The sun is shining today. But at night I end up having to turn the heater on still. Strange weather.
My day started by having to go get fasting blood taken. Typical stuff. The dogs aren’t accustomed to me being gone two days in a row. Then I ended up having to go out again.
Then I came out of a store and someone had hit me in the parking lot and dinged up my front fender. Of course they were long gone.
The jail birds have flown the coop twice today. Well, Abi ran out the door around my boot twice. Charlie once. I was lucky the second time because Abi shot off like a rocket and Charlie my next door neighbor was outside. He saw me struggling with boxes. And so Charlie ended up catching Charlie Ross.
I know some people find irises rather plain Janes, but I adore them. They look to me like they’re wearing ball gowns and going out to party. Delicate and curvy and brilliantly shaded in the deepest of purples.
I love my patio space. I love planting flowers and looking out the window at them. I love standing at the patio door at night and gazing at them as darkness falls. This little piece of heaven out there is just right for me. It makes me smile.
I feel like I’ve been smiling a lot more lately. Not sure if it’s just the “finally got moved in” feeling you get at the end of a long packing and sorting and pitching things relocation. Or it’s just being in a different house. (Sometimes I felt like the little blue house was, well, haunted or something. Had strange vibes.) Bad luck seemed to ensue there. Bad blood. Just somehow bad.
|(Daisies ready to burst forth.)|
I had to go over there today because some boxes from Walmart somehow ended up being delivered there. My daughter was there. I was apprehensive all the way over. But we had a nice chat.
I don’t know how to describe my feelings about that. A myriad of emotions swept over me. I wanted so badly to shove this “need to act like near strangers” thing out of the way, and just let my feelings for her out. She is my daughter and I love her. And I don’t know what’s going on. But still, whatever it is, I am her mother and I just want this bad blood gone and I want to hug her thin shoulders.
And that makes me so sad because of the things we are missing out on. And the time we are losing that we will never ever get back.
I just don’t know how things got so out of control and ended up like this. But I am one of those people that just wants to get the tools out and fix it.
And so I sit here crying and looking out my window at the patio because I was near, but yet so far.
I wanted all the stuff to just go away and hear her laugh. She has a wonderful laugh. And I haven’t heard it in a very long time. I haven’t seen her smile. I haven’t seen her happy. And that makes me unhappy too.
I talked about it with my doctor yesterday. And she kept telling me: “You’re in a different place and you need to let it go. You can’t change it. All you can do is let it go.”
But how do you let go a little cherub of a child with curly reddish blond hair that always managed to say something delightfully funny? How do you erase memories and worst of all, perhaps never get the chance to make new ones?
I feel like I will just cry forever over this. “You have to let it go,” she kept repeating. “But why?” I wanted to ask her. What is so wrong that she can’t just sit down and let it spill and we could get it out of the way and move on? But move on together.
When I moved here, I envisioned something so very different. It didn’t occur to me that that would not happen. It never occurred to me that I’d fall and it would be life-altering. Or that she’d put up this wall and find such fault with me she’d never take it down.
I don’t like oblique references and silence between people who should love one another, and a vault that you have to put all your feelings and memories into and lock them up in a dark place.
I didn’t have to knock on the door where she was inside working alone. I just couldn’t stop myself from doing so. I just wanted to see her.
The curly reddish blond hair is gone and her face is taut with something I can’t decipher.
But I just wanted to see her.
And then after a brief but amicable chat she went back inside and I started to drive away. After just a block or so, I turned around and went back. I’d thought up something else important enough for an excuse to go back. I knocked on the door and she came to answer it. So strange. It use to be me in there and her out here.
I gave her the bit of information that I didn’t need to go back to tell her. I couldn’t help myself. I had to look at her again before I put that glimpse of her back in the dark vault and locked it shut.