Charlie and I have had our morning patio stroll.
I may have to move the plants out of the center of the patio because the purple sweet potato vine seems to be getting really stressed in the afternoon.
If I do that I’ll probably have to come up with a different place to put the green padded chairs that are at the end of the patio. That is the only other space that gets some shade due to the tree branches spilling over into my patio space.
I will be watching the sun as it shifts locations today to make my decision. Some are heavy pots, but I could drag them.
The pineapple sage in the above photo gets stressed also. But I don’t know where I’d put it.
I’ll have to ponder it a bit.
I have to go out and spray a bit of water on the tomatoes and cucumbers three or four times a day because they use up water so fast.
They are like sponges, but they need the sun.
I wanted to tell you about the rest of my day yesterday. After I wrote my post.
Since some of us are grieving, and some of us have, and some of us will, I think sharing is beneficial.
I will admit that the one month anniversary of losing Abi was difficult. By afternoon I had fallen into a slump that kind of scared me because it was so reminiscent of the depression I was in years ago.
I just laid on the couch with Charlie and watched reruns of Law & Order.
With lifelong depression, regardless of the meds, you live life on a slippy slope. Same way with most mental illnesses.
I take medication, but sometimes it just isn’t enough to get you through.
I was sinking yesterday and I knew it, but I had no idea how to stop it. I admit I was getting depressed before Abi died, due to months of physical pain. I’m still having quite a bit of pain.
How do you go through your day without using your hands?
I so want to do crafts and DIYs and create, but I need my hands. So that’s a downer.
The acupuncture has helped my neck, but not the nerve pain in my hands up to my right shoulder much. Because darn it I have to use my hands.
Then by yesterday evening something had changed. A slight shifting. I thought of Abi and I didn’t cry. Then, just to check myself, I visualized her pulling her funny and endearing antics.
And I didn’t cry. In fact at one point I think I may have smiled a little.
This morning the sadness is still there, but lessened. Maybe that one month anniversary was the guide post I needed. Like a period at the end of a sentence.
I’m not foolish enough to think I’m done grieving, because I know I’m not. But now I’m beginning to think I can handle it. That my hands may have found the gear shift that is sorrow.
I think rescuing a kitty might help me, give me another focus and distract me. But I don’t think Charlie would welcome that right now.
And perhaps that would be cheating. And I know you can’t cheat grief with distraction.
I go online to the animal shelter site because I can’t seem to stop myself. I gaze at all those kitties that, for whatever reason, are homeless. And I so want to save one. Because I have a lot of love to give a pet.
But life is often all about timing. And I don’t think the timing is right, much as I’d like it to be. Part of me thinks Charlie would like a playmate. After all he lived his first five years with cats.
But another part of me says no.
We went to breeders to get Abi and Charlie. My ex said he didn’t want strays because he dealt with that kind of people all day at the mental hospital.
I know. An awful way to look at patients. I think the empathy just gets pounded out of some medical professionals. Either that or they didn’t possess much to start with.
But for me rescuing unwanted animals is the way to go.
Barking dogs can get you in trouble if you live in an apartment. I always go out with Charlie and if he utters half of a bark, I’m on him to come in because I know the guy living behind me will complain.
Cats would be much easier living here.
But now is Charlie’s time.
It seems just about all he does is sleep. I keep wondering if a younger cat might get him to play and get more exercise.
So hopefully as time goes on, the answer will come to me. It hasn’t yet.
No matter how much I want to rescue an animal, it just isn’t the time for us right now.
But how will I know when? Or if?