Life Is Glorious But Also Hard

Charlie

Isn’t this the sweetest picture of Charlie standing next to the gardenia plant? He is so precious.

I don’t know why this past weekend the grief came crashing down on me to the degree it did. I think I cried more this past weekend than I’ve cried in ten years.

My heart was so heavy. I kept having flashbacks from the last week with Abi. The images were moving at a fast clip. Everything that happened.

How she was wasting away before my very eyes. How helpless I felt.

My impish silly little girl was limp and tired and in pain. And there was nothing I could do.

If there had been a safe place for me to jump off, to get away from the mental images for awhile, I surely would have gladly jumped feet first without looking.

My patio provides a nice temporary distraction. I can go out there for awhile and kind of lose myself tending to the plants in my garden.

I played around with my blog header yesterday for something else to distract me. That kept me busy for awhile.

I started and finished Brad Park’s book “Closer Than You Know.” It kept me going the whole time. And surprised me at the end as well.

Before that I read “Everyone Knows You Go Home.” That keeps me busy at night.

alyssum

Tulsa’s “The Door Man” is here to take my storm door down that broke into many pieces on Friday. Then he will put up my new storm still in the box that’s been in my way all weekend.

One of the maintenance men helped me clean up the tiny pieces of glass on Friday. But he left and never came back. So I went and bought a new one.

I called Lowes, I called Larson’s Doors that manufactured the door. There is no warranty on glass. I hope this door lasts longer than four years.

I was hoping to get the apartment complex to fix this so I wouldn’t have the added expense. But I can tell from talking to the manager that that wouldn’t happen for some time.

My storm door makes me feel safer. To have two locked doors when you live alone just gives you added comfort.

And my Charlie boy loves to sit at the storm door and look outside.

He might see someone walking a dog or a cat passing by. Or maybe a squirrel running along the fence that borders the alley.

It entertains him. So it is very important to me that he have that to enjoy.

sedum

Life can be glorious, but it can also be hard. To love means eventually you will grieve. Unless you leave this earth first.

I woke up thinking about this song, so I looked up the words. I know many of you will recall “How Can You Mend A Broken Heart” and the melody will come back to you.

How Can You Mend A Broken Heart
I can think of younger days when living for my life
Was everything a man could want to do
I could never see tomorrow
But I was never told about the sorrow
How can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart
And let me live again.
I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees
And misty memories of days gone by
We could never see tomorrow
But no one said a word about the sorrow.
How can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down
How can you stop the sun from shining
What makes the world go round.
Songwriters: Barry Gibb / Robin Gibb

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44 Comments

  1. Your sweet Charlie is adorable. I love that picture of him. My heart hurts for you thinking about your loss of Abi. My Lizzie (4.5 lb Yorkie) will be 15 in August and I know I will not have her very many more years/months. My stomach knots up just thinking about it. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers ….and sweet little Charlie too.

  2. Hi Brenda,
    I understand what you mean about watching your sweet pup waste away. I did the same thing when my Princess was fading. She was so skinny and no longer wanted to eat – even if I cooked her salmon or chicken. So I knew it was time. Doesn’t make it any easier though. I have loved many dogs and still have four but some are more special than others.
    Gardening is one of the best forms of therapy for sure and anti depressants help. I’ve been on them for years (!!). I have been working on my small patio since spring and still have a long way to go to get it the way I want. After living in the boonies by myself for 18 years, I am trying to simplify all home maintenance, especially all the gardening. Progress is slow but satisfying. Missing her will never go away but the pain does lessen over time (a long time though).

  3. I just have to say what a lovely group of people you have come visit you here. I read their messages to you and the care they express is so special. Hugs for you and Charlie ?

  4. Thinking of you and know how much you are missing her. May time help you accept this loss. Crying can be cleansing.

  5. I just love this precious picture of Charlie. Frame worthy! Brenda, we must grieve before we can heal. These past days have been horrible for you and it is only natural for things to come to a head but I believe once that happens, one can truly move forward. You will still grieve for sweet Abi, but I pray this weekend is the beginning of true healing. Prayers continue for you and your baby, Charlie.

    Grace & Peace,
    Pam

  6. I feel your pain and grief. So many of us understand and I’m so glad you have all of us that do understand. Sending care and concern from Ohio to Oklahoma.

  7. That photo of Charlie captures his sweetness. What a precious pup. As for grief, I have found that it is like the ocean, it crashes down on me, then ebbs away…over and over. Best to you and Charlie.

  8. such a dear little face.
    he is your heart now and you are his. you’re a team that can get through this. there is strength in that kind of love. xoxo

  9. You certainly captured Charlie’s cute face. What a great shot. I’m glad you are finding a few ways to escape your pain Brenda. I’ve always loved that song. You definitely have to focus on the small things right now.
    Take good care

  10. That picture of Charlie is so adorable!

    I am so sorry for what you are going through with Abi / i can relate in regards to both beloved pets over the years as well as grandparents, MIL etc. Sometimes you just cry yourself to sleep at night for weeks on end because you can push it out during the day but at night, or times during the day it just washes over you and there is nothing to do but let it out.
    Unfortunately we seem to be on Earth to learn love but that also brings great sorrow 🙁

  11. I just had a thought about your glass breaking in you door….I thought the glass was symbolic of your heart breaking in a thousand tiny pieces at losing your dear Abi…. It’s almost like your house is heart broken without her too!! Treasure your sweet memories and your sweet Charlie ? hugs to you both

  12. I like the font on the new header – it’s very pretty. That is such a cute picture of Charlie! I know you and Charlie are becoming even closer than ever now and that is good for both of you. You mentioned that maybe the acupuncture had something to do with bringing a release of your emotions. That makes a lot of sense. Even when we don’t realize it we hold so many feelings inside and that hurts us more than we can know. As hard as this weekend’s release of emotion was for you maybe it will also be healing for you if you were still holding things in. I sure wish I could help but I know it takes time. Just know that many people care.

  13. Brenda:
    Charlie is a cutie patutie! Have you considered quilting again? I love English Paper Piecing, it’s very relaxing. I would be happy to share some fabric and patterns if you decide to pick up where you left off. A few stitches at a time can have a calming effect, I read someplace “I do not count my day complete till needle thread and fabric meet”. That is a motto I can live by.

    Abundantly Blessed
    Susie

  14. That is a precious picture of Charlie. Do you have a picture of Abi framed ? We lost our daughter twenty-two years ago, and treasure pictures of her. If you don’t have one framed, you might think about getting one made. One of the two of you would be wonderful. You might think it would make you sadder, but it would also be a reminder of all the good times you had with her. Praying for your comfort, Martha

    1. I do have photos of her framed. They’re all in a box in the closet. I need to move everything off that box so I can get to it.

  15. You must frame that beautiful picture of Charlie. Such a loving little face. Two months ago today my daughter had to put her 28 yo Palomino horse down. He just got sick real fast and she worked w the vet for a week, went to see him every day, then one morning he couldn’t get up. The vet quietly explained what she thought was cancer and due to his age of 28 he should be put down. We had to do it the next morning. It was heart breaking. She cried every day for about 10 days. And stilll does some days. She was 12 when she got him and they had 16 great years together. The point is she misses him so much and yet sees another horse in her future but not now. The time just isn’t right for her. We all grieve in our own way. I agree with another lady that wrote about their being so many things that added up and then the Accupuncture too might have been the catalyst for it to overflow. I’m sending you big hugs, Annette

    1. I had already thought about framing it. I will order through Walgreens where I get my medicine. I had no idea horses lived that long.

  16. Your beloved Abi has not been gone very long, so, those times of grief are still going to hit you hard and often, I’d say. Slowly, slowly, there will be some space between the times of deep sorrow. But then, it’s different for everyone, how the grieving goes and what to do about it. Try to go easy on yourself and make sure you get a lot of rest and eat well. Unfortunately, life keeps going on, with bad things happening like broken doors, and bills to pay and so on, which certainly seems to get in the way. So that’s why it’s important to try to take extra good care of yourself at this time. Sharing your feelings helps, I think. It’s good you are doing so.

    1. I’m eating better and getting lots of rest. I think I’m processing that last week. I told myself to be strong for her so she could pass on without anxiety. But in so doing, I had to cram my feelings down and keep going. Hardest thing I’ve ever done.

  17. That is an adorable photo of Charlie. Those eyes are so expressive. You just hang in there and take care of yourself and Charlie. Unfortunately, I believe the answer to mending a broken heart is the passage of time.

    1. And I know that. It’s just such heart wrenching pain. I think: One month ago I had my baby. It’s been nearly a month. In six days it will be a month. I will miss her forever.

  18. Adorable picture of Charlie. Grieving is such a personal thing and something we all handle differently. I know I felt a piece of my heart had been ripped from me when I’ve had to put an animal down due to cancer, and it took me some time to rebound, but I did rebound and Brenda, so will you and Charlie. I’m so glad you can take comfort from one another during this time of healing. Please continue to send us pictures of that beautiful patio and of that adorable little boy Charlie. He always puts a smile on my face.
    Carol and Molly.

  19. Perhaps it was a cumulative thing that made the grief push forward in such a powerful way. Added stressor of glass breaking and all that entailed. Or it could be the acupuncture working as it helps you release emotions. It’s healthy to cry until you feel done. I used to go for acupuncture treatments and was educated on the benefit of release through crying. I believe it’s a powerful release and the accuncture for pain management proved beneficial for me as well. Pain comes in many forms. Grief can be painful emotionally and physically. Seeing Charlie makes me smile and feel happier. I look at the love and sweetness his cute little face conveys and I feel lighter. Dogs are so very dear.

    1. He does have such a sweet innocent face, my Charlie boy. I keep telling myself I can cry till the cows come home and it won’t bring her back. But I still need that release. I just hate to let Charlie hear me cry and try to avoid that.

  20. I’m sorry about your weekend…I agree so much with Kris. The pain is always there, but try to focus on the happy times, and really relish your time with Charlie, too. He is a cutie!

    Sending a hug and good luck with the door.

    Jane

    1. They did a great job with the door. They were here about four hours and only charged me $150. They took the broken door off too and hauled it off.

  21. Brenda, this photo of Charlie is so cute. What a sweet little pup. I am sorry that you are feeling so much pain but happy that your garden gives you a little respite from it. Enjoy the little things, because they are the most important moments in our life.

    1. Yes, I do believe it is the little things that make us truly happy. I’m just grieving the loss now. I still appreciate the little things. But I miss my girl.

  22. I totally understand Brenda, and these periods of feeling the tremendous pain all over again will happen off and on for a long time. It has only been a little while since Abi passed, and I remember crying for weeks every day, even waking up in the middle of the night to cry.

    We are all here, caring about you and Charlie, feel free to express your grief for as long as you need to.

    1. I appreciate your saying that. I just don’t want to be a downer. But I know all of you are there for me, and you’re so very appreciated!

  23. Brenda,
    Charlie is so sweet and I am glad he is by your side while you grieve for Abi. I bet Charlie is grieving too. My vet once told me that dogs can grieve like humans and can sometimes grieve for up to a year. So I feel for you and Charlie missing your sweet Abi. Life can be so wonderful but with that comes grief as a natural part of life. I know your heart is breaking with Abi’s passing. I have always said time does not ever make the pain and loss go away but it does have a way of making it more tolerable. Glad you could really cry hard and feel that pain bubble up. While that is so hard it is so good for you to get that out. I am so sorry you have to feel like you do. Cooper has been gone for over a year now and I still have moments like you had this weekend. Sometimes that incredible pain and loss bubbles up and the best thing to do is just let it come out. Hoping this week you will feel relief from the weekend pain.
    Kris

    1. I would take tolerable. I kind of think this had something to do with the acupuncture. I think it opened up something in me.

  24. That picture of Charlie is just ever so cute! Brenda you have had a tragic loss and of course the car accident and door thing, and your health issues. Everything can catch up to you sometimes as you push through those things. Please hang in there. Things will calm down. I have chronic depression and one thing that helps me is to think of three things I feel grateful for every day., even some simple and obvious stuff. Best regards to you and your Charlie boy.

    1. I hate to think what would happen if I didn’t take anti depressants. They were a life saver for me when I was in my twenties and I still take them.