One Month Ago Today

flowers

“Grief doesn’t have a plot. It isn’t smooth. There is no beginning and middle and end.” – Ann Hood

One month ago today I lost my sweet little Abi. I still cry every day.

I feel like pain is coming at me in waves, one after another. Like I’m standing in the ocean, my feet planted deep in the sand, waiting for the endless tides to come in and go out.

She was such a huge part of my every day life. Like a limb that’s been cut off, yet I still feel the pain.

I guess you just have to wait it out. This thing called grief. What choice do you have?

“The bond with a dog is as lasting as the ties of this earth can ever be.” – Konrad Lorenz

I’m taking pleasure in the fact that Charlie is doing well. It seemed that he was always behind Abi, always following.

His sweetness was always there, but with Abi in the middle usurping his presence with her leader of the pack jealousy.

Now he is my only one. And he is enjoying his new status.

“Not the least hard thing to bear when they go from us, these quiet friends, is that they carry away with them so many years of our own lives.” – John Galsworthy

I am giving him my love, talking to him, praising him, brushing him and petting him. My sweet little Charlie boy.

I say “Do you want to be brushed?” And he comes running.

Charlie’s personality is quiet and laid back. Abi was the opposite. The quiet ones, as we all know, whether it’s a pet or a child, get pushed back by the more dominant ones.

Unfortunate but true. Because dogs always have a leader.

Now it is Charlie’s time. His day in the sun. He is nearly 12, but I hope we have a good long time together. Whatever we are allotted.

“Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.” – Roger Caras

I hope there will come a time when I can picture Abi in my mind, see photos of her and have memories of her, when I will not cry and feel such a dagger of pain.

I think maybe when you lose someone you love that prior losses seep back in.

Maybe you didn’t fully grieve them and they are stuck there, waiting for an opportunity to be released.

“Dogs have a way of finding the people who need them, filling an emptiness we don’t even know we have.” – Thom Jones

It seems that my tears run in rivulets down into a hole. That hole was created the day that Abi died, when the seed of loss was planted.

My tears water the seed of the vine that began growing. And it took hold.

Every day it finds a new path and latches onto yet another surface, winding up and up.

There is no way to know how tall that vine will grow. Maybe it will never stop growing. It is tenacious and seems determined to go where it may.

There is no recipe for grief. Everyone’s version is different.

You just have to let it go and let it out.

abi

Abi Rose

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23 Comments

  1. The pain when you lose a dog is so powerful and you have to allow it and handle it in your own way. I love all your quotes. We are preparing ourselves to make that decision for our Jack Russell Sadie who has deformed legs and can no longer walk. As of now we carry her everywhere as our little handicapped dog. We know it must be done but can’t face the grief.

    1. I don’t know if this will help, but the vet acupuncturist showed photos of a dog that couldn’t use its back legs, and they got him going again. I’ll go find the link and send it to you.

  2. I lost my Lucy two years ago and still cry but not every day. I think when your dog is with you through difficult times it is even harder to lose them. When I first started getting sick with fibromyalgia some of my family didn’t understand but Lucy was always with me helping me get through it. When she died it almost did me in. Your pups have always be there with you so I am sure your pain is deep. It never goes away but it gets better. I loved the quotes in this post. I don’t comment much but I have been reading your blog a long time. I am so glad you have Charlie and don’t have to go through this alone.

    1. I don’t really turn to humans in my life when times are tough. I have a hard time with that. But with pets, I let it all out. I fully trust them. I don’t know why I’m that way, just that I am.

  3. You are in my thoughts often Brenda. So many of us that follow along here know what it is like to loose our sweet pets and it is heartbreaking. It is the kind of pain and suffering one cannot even believe that they are feeling.

    I know that you miss Abbie. if there is one small silver lining it is that Charlie has his moment in the sun and his time alone and to be pandered and doted upon by you.

    I hope that you have a good week.

    1. This is true. It isn’t just missing Abi. It is remembering those last days. It’s processing all of that when I had to be strong for her. I kept telling myself to think only of her and put myself aside, and I did. Now I have to let that part out too.

  4. I too loved all the quotes today. I hate the emptiness in the house after losing a pet. Or finding yourself looking for them, irs so difficult. I love the image of Charlie responding to your request to be brushed. Big hugs to you my friend, Annette

    1. He’s so cute. He still won’t come all the way up to me. But that’s just the way he is. I guess he’s still afraid Abi will get mad at him. I suppose he’s confused.

  5. I so understand. I’m in that land of grieving too, and it’s a strange place indeed. And, yes, different for all of us. I’m so glad that you have your little sweet Charlie boy. I have my beloved cat Max who stays close to me now more than ever. It is a great comfort.
    The quotes are so spot on. Lovely.
    Thinking of you, step by step, Brenda.
    Mary

    1. I’m so glad you have Max. I don’t know what I’ll do when I don’t have Charlie. But as with everything, I’ll get through it.

    1. Thank you. I had a really bad most of the day. But then, toward evening, a calmness came over me. This morning I am able to think of Abi without crying. I’m sure I’ll go back and forth. But I am thankful for that respite.

  6. bless you darling bean.
    it matters not that we have all been there.
    NOW is YOUR time. and we understand. just be kind to yourself.
    and thank God for Charlie. he loves you so.
    he’s patiently waited all this time to show you just how much.
    even though the two of you are missing Abi Rose I know he’s a great comfort. xo

    1. Yes, he has. And I feel guilty because Abi was always pushing him back, though I chastised her. It’s just in a dog’s DNA to have a leader of the pack. It’s just the way of things, and now it’s his turn.

  7. Let your grief out. One way or another, it’s going to come out anyway. We are not equipped to accommodate absolutes. There is nothing to which we can relate death. My heart goes out to you, Brenda.

    1. You’re right, and I’ve never thought of it that way. “There is nothing to which we can relate death.” I’ll remember that.