“Grief doesn’t have a plot. It isn’t smooth. There is no beginning and middle and end.” – Ann Hood
One month ago today I lost my sweet little Abi. I still cry every day.
I feel like pain is coming at me in waves, one after another. Like I’m standing in the ocean, my feet planted deep in the sand, waiting for the endless tides to come in and go out.
She was such a huge part of my every day life. Like a limb that’s been cut off, yet I still feel the pain.
I guess you just have to wait it out. This thing called grief. What choice do you have?
“The bond with a dog is as lasting as the ties of this earth can ever be.” – Konrad Lorenz
I’m taking pleasure in the fact that Charlie is doing well. It seemed that he was always behind Abi, always following.
His sweetness was always there, but with Abi in the middle usurping his presence with her leader of the pack jealousy.
Now he is my only one. And he is enjoying his new status.
“Not the least hard thing to bear when they go from us, these quiet friends, is that they carry away with them so many years of our own lives.” – John Galsworthy
I am giving him my love, talking to him, praising him, brushing him and petting him. My sweet little Charlie boy.
I say “Do you want to be brushed?” And he comes running.
Charlie’s personality is quiet and laid back. Abi was the opposite. The quiet ones, as we all know, whether it’s a pet or a child, get pushed back by the more dominant ones.
Unfortunate but true. Because dogs always have a leader.
Now it is Charlie’s time. His day in the sun. He is nearly 12, but I hope we have a good long time together. Whatever we are allotted.
“Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.” – Roger Caras
I hope there will come a time when I can picture Abi in my mind, see photos of her and have memories of her, when I will not cry and feel such a dagger of pain.
I think maybe when you lose someone you love that prior losses seep back in.
Maybe you didn’t fully grieve them and they are stuck there, waiting for an opportunity to be released.
“Dogs have a way of finding the people who need them, filling an emptiness we don’t even know we have.” – Thom Jones
It seems that my tears run in rivulets down into a hole. That hole was created the day that Abi died, when the seed of loss was planted.
My tears water the seed of the vine that began growing. And it took hold.
Every day it finds a new path and latches onto yet another surface, winding up and up.
There is no way to know how tall that vine will grow. Maybe it will never stop growing. It is tenacious and seems determined to go where it may.
There is no recipe for grief. Everyone’s version is different.
You just have to let it go and let it out.