Invisible Pearls

When I wake up in the morning, I don’t get up right away. I stay in bed and pet Charlie and think about things a bit.

This morning memories of Abi filled my thoughts. I didn’t cry. I just turned the pages of my memory and saw images of her there, silly girl that my sweet Abi was.

purple petunias and angel

I remember how, every little bit, she would raise her head while resting next to me on the couch. She’d look up at me as if to say: “Everything all right, Mom?”

I would pat her head and tell her everything was okay. Then she’d lay her head back down and go back to sleep.

I remember, in the middle of the night, the warm press of her body against my back.

I remember how she’d follow me from room to room, not letting me out of her sight. How she’d throw a wall-eyed hissy fit if it appeared I was about to go out somewhere.

So many memories.

garden sculpture

I don’t wear jewelry. Just a wrist watch when I go out. But it occurred to me that these memories are like precious pearls.

They are gathered around my neck and invisible to the naked eye. I feel the weight of them there, the heat warm against my skin, and it comforts me.

My memories truly are as precious as pearls.

Sometimes the memories cut so deep they take my breath away.

I will never take my pearls off. I like the way they gently press against my skin and remind me of Abi.

container plants

From The Healing & Loss Book, May:

“I cannot know where you are going, but I hold the lamp of my love aloft to accompany you on your way.”

“Her love is everywhere. It follows me as I go about the house, meets me in the garden, sends swans into my dreams. In a strange, underwater or above earth way I am very nearly happy.” –  Sylvia Townsend Warner

“In a world of such beauty as birds in flight, surely I can come to feel at home again, even after my loss. And if, in thought, I attach myself to birds in flight, who knows where that may take me?”

“The warm air makes me dream of what was, and of what would be if you were here. I know that this dream is but an inaptitude to live the present. I allow myself to drift on this current without looking too far or too deep. I await the moment when I will find my strength again. It will come.” – Anne Philipe

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35 Comments

  1. Beautiful. You are a pearl yourself with your beautiful writings and sharing your thoughts and wisdom.

    Jane

  2. The imagery of memories being like an invisible necklace of pearls is so appropriate. I know you don’t wear actual necklaces, but for anyone that does, you become aware of how difficult it is to see the necklace while you’re wearing it. Unless it has a long chain, you have to put your head and neck into contortions to see it, or, go stand in front of a mirror to see a reflection of the necklace. So, it’s easiest to just trust the necklace is there by the feel of it against your skin, as you’ve described the invisible necklace to feel like. So I definitely grasp the imagery you’ve used, and will be thinking of memories in the form of a necklace now!

    1. When I feel so deeply, my thoughts are always so varied. As if the amount of love I feel equals the amount of varied thoughts I have of them.

  3. That saying, pearls of wisdom , came to mind. You offer so many wise words I think it fitting. Take care.

  4. Lovely tho’ts, Brenda. They took me right to my feelings of sadness at losing my sweet Tavi dog. I miss him sleeping with me so much and I know when it’s cold again I will think of how he kept me warm at night. One more way to miss him. He had such wonderful, curly soft hair–very soft. I have some little clips of it that I put in a locket I have. I don’t really wear the locket but it comforts me to know that I have those little curls.

    Thanks for sharing your grief journey with us. Your words are a precious gift to help us along the path.

    1. Perhaps get another pet if you can? I don’t know that I would ever be happy not having a pet in my home. They are my family.

  5. For sure little Abi was a treasure ! Her devotion and ownership of you was completely based on loyalty and love. She was a little bit of a girl with the heart of a lioness. She’ll always be loved and missed.

  6. Your post was beautiful and sad. The loss of a fur baby leaves a hole in your heart. It also made me think of my husband.
    God bless you and Charlie.

    1. All losses are so difficult, we think we’ll never stop crying. But the tears are cleansing and from what I’ve read, does more than release liquid. It helps in other ways as well.

  7. As a defense mechanism an oyster coats an irritant with layer upon layer of mother of pearl until a lustrous Pearl is formed. Abi was special and your pearls are too.
    Crystal&Dixie

  8. “I cannot know where you are going, but I hold the lamp of my love aloft to accompany you on your way.”
    thank you for this post. xo

  9. Brenda, this is such a beautiful post. How wonderful to think of memories as pearls. I obviously did not know Abbie but when you describe your memories it is almost as I can conjure her up in my minds eye. We are all blessed to have had such lovable pets and the sweet, funny, memories as well. My memories of Munchen keep me smiling whenever I think of her.

    Have a great day!

  10. “Pearls symbolize wisdom acquired through experience…. Known for their calming effect, pearls can balance one’s karma, strengthen relationships, and keep children safe. The pearl is also said to symbolize the purity, generosity, integrity, and loyalty of its wearer.”

    Copied the above from a search on the symbolism of pearls after reading you beautiful post.

  11. PEARLS TAKE ON THE WARMTH OF YOUR BODY AS YOU WEAR THEM, SO SHALL THE PEARLS OF YOUR SWEET ABI ROSE ! FIND COMFORT IN THAT WARMTH.

  12. Lovely, Brenda. Yesterday it was one month since my Dad passed….it’s hard to believe it’s been a month already….I try to tell myself it’s a month that he has been at peace, not struggling and suffering. He had a really hard time this past year, we really did want him to go quickly when the time came. Doesn’t make me miss him any less, though…xoxo