Adjusting To Divorce After 50
(Revised and updated on December 17, 2023)
Divorce is hard, but adjusting to divorce after 50 is really hard. Baby Boomers have the highest divorce rate among other generations at 34.9%.
Gray Divorce is the term used to identify couples who divorce in middle age or beyond.
By the time a woman is 30, there is one chance in two that she will ever get married. And at 40, there’s only one chance in five.
By the time she is 50, the chances she will marry are just one in 16. And after 60, her chances drop to one in 62.
Among U.S. adults ages 50 and older, the divorce rate has roughly doubled since the 1990s, according to a Pew Research Center report.
A widely-circulated finding from a study by a London professor suggests that while marriage increases the happiness of men, married women are actually more miserable than single women.
The divorcing woman over 50 is potentially looking at brighter days and a healthier outlook on life.
What Adjusting To Divorce After 50 May Look Like:
It may proceed like this: You go through all the paperwork and heartache of a divorce proceeding and the court grants you a divorce.
In adjusting to divorce after 50, for many women it comes at a great cost. If she’s been a homemaker, she may not realize how bleak the job market may be for someone over 50 with a scant work record.
Unless you get the family home, you will have to scale down.
In adjusting to divorce after 50, your style of living may change drastically in many cases. You might lose her beloved home and end up renting an apartment.
There will be expenses. Filing fees and attorney expenses will need to be paid before you hold a divorce decree in your hand.
And then there are the Social Security benefits, pension plans, property issues, and retirement plans to think about.
Retirement accounts must be discussed and disclosed. As well as health insurance and life insurance policies.
Equitable Distribution:
There is an equitable distribution of everything you own. Furniture and every single thing you’ve acquired together.
Your toothbrushes, that might have been side by side in the same toothbrush holder for years, will be going in separate directions.
You have to divide and distribute your assets, like your retirement funds. Marital property will be split.
Fault divorce varies by each state, but some of the traditional fault grounds for divorce are adultery, cruelty, confinement in prison, physical inability to have sexual intercourse, and incurable insanity.
If it is an uncontested divorce, there might not be as much acrimony between the two of you.
Data From The Social Security Website:
If you have not made enough money while married to build up Social Security benefits for retirement, there are ways you can tap into his.
If you are divorced but your marriage lasted 10 years or longer, you can receive benefits on your ex-spouse’s record (even if they have remarried).
This is the case if:
- You are unmarried;
- You are age 62 or older;
- Your ex-spouse is entitled to Social Security retirement or disability benefits; and
- The benefit you are entitled to receive based on your own work is less than the benefit you would receive based on your ex-spouse’s work.
Your benefit as a divorced spouse is equal to one-half of your ex-spouse’s full retirement amount (or disability benefit) if you start receiving benefits at your full retirement age.
The benefits do not include any delayed retirement credits your ex-spouse may receive.
If you remarry, you generally cannot collect benefits on your former spouse’s record unless your later marriage ends (whether by death, divorce, or annulment).
If your ex-spouse has not applied for retirement benefits, but can qualify for them, you can receive benefits on his record if you have been divorced for at least two years.
The Statistics:
Statistics say that a male born in the United States today has a life expectancy of 74.5 years old on average. On average, US women live 5.7 years longer, reaching an age of 80.2.
No, this is certainly not where you thought you’d be at this point in your life.
Do you keep that couch where you once cuddled with him and watched movies?
Probably not. It doesn’t matter how expensive it was, the memories that come with it could be even more costly .
Where Do You Begin?
Get a good divorce lawyer and find out where you are financially.
In adjusting to divorce after 50, you want to be in control of your own finances and future.
Check out neighborhoods where you can afford to live. Make a list of what you must have and what you are willing to live without.
Most of all, find the safest neighborhood you can afford.
My advice is to keep things that are of great significance to you. Like family heirlooms and photos.
Then sell what you legally have the right to sell so you have a little cushion in your bank account to move forward.
Create A Cozy Home For Yourself:
Create a cozy and comfortable home for yourself. You owe it to yourself to have a home you love.
It doesn’t have to be fancy.
You quickly learn that you don’t need “fancy.” It’s just another word for having all those pretty things in a beautiful home, but feeling lost inside it.
I went from a 2300 square foot garden home in a cul-de-sac to living in a one bedroom apartment. I moved from a home that had just been renovated to a 1960s apartment that had had virtually no updates in years.
However, smaller doesn’t necessarily equate to squalor. You can still lead a good life if you’re careful with your finances.
The grief of adjusting to divorce after 50 recedes after a while.
The Bright Side Of Adjusting To Divorce After 50:
There is a bright side to adjusting to divorce after 50, and I will attest to this myself. My divorce was a gift, though I didn’t know it at the time.
It was the beginning of a new and healthier life.
That gift did not show up right away. At first I was terrified and uncertain.
But I knew that the divorce was not a mistake.
If you no longer have an outdoor space, focus on a few indoor house plants.
Nature can come in small doses and enliven small spaces. You could have a potted herb garden on your kitchen window sill.
Divorced older men often date women much younger than they are. But the same doesn’t usually apply to divorced older women.
My ex liked to say: “Men age like fine leather. Women just age”.
That is of course sexist and disgusting. But it is unfortunately true that older women are not a hot commodity in our society.
You May Like Living Alone:
You may find that you really like living alone. I certainly do.
It doesn’t necessarily mean being lonely. It just means living in a one person home. There’s a vast difference between the two.
Think about adopting a pet if you don’t already have pets.
Isn’t it better to live alone than live with someone you no longer love? Isn’t it better to eat alone than sit across from someone and have absolutely nothing to say to him?
If you’re adjusting to divorce after 50, you’ll learn that older wings can still fly. And with the wisdom you have gained during this adjustment period, you may even begin to soar.
The Light At The End Of The Tunnel:
When it comes to divorce and women over 50, you will stop thinking about what he wanted. And begin focusing on what you want.
Not everyone wants to get remarried. I swore I’d never even date again. And I’m quite happy with that decision.
There’s a lot to be said for fixing meals for one, cleaning up after one, and being in charge of one.
You can eat pancakes for supper and decorate however you want.
You can move the furniture around at 3 a.m. if you so desire and sleep with three dogs and two cats.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Further Reading:
I found a website I shall be digging into later. It is for those of us aged 60 and over. It is called Sixty And Me.
Another website you might want to check out is called Midlife Divorce Recovery. Here is a link to a great article on how to survive divorce after 50.
And here is a link to information on how to save during retirement without going back to work.
Well said, Brenda, spot on.
This is so encouraging for others Brenda. Divorce is so hard and emotionally draining. Everything we did and all the people will change. And you are right, inexpensive doesn’t mean living in squalor. Our homes can be decorated tastefully and beautifully regardless of the location or the size. You have done a beautiful job decorating your apartment and I love it! Hope you have a great evening! Love and hugs!
You have begun an amazing discussion about a huge issue. Even if marital breakdown and divorce are not the issue, it is so important for every woman to know that she can take care of herself. For those who do not experience divorce, there may be widowhood, which can be emotionally, financially, physically, and socially devastating. And for all of us, married/divorced/unmarried/widowed, aging itself brings all sorts of challenges which can easily derail us.
You are SO right! Whether we’re married or divorced or widowed or not, aging itself is difficult to adjust to.
Brenda, what a wonderful post. Full of compassionate advice that I wish I had had when I was dealing with my husband having left me and the family. I was in shock, didn’t know what I would do without his income and so embarrassed. To me, at that time, I felt that divorce was somehow the result of a “tawdry” life. Can you believe it? I actually tho’t that my value as a human being dropped because now I would be a divorcee. I so wish I had had a blog like yours to read and gain strength and encouragement from. It’s a compassionate and much needed gift that you offer by reaching out to women the way you do on this blog. I can’t tell you how much it’s needed. Even though it’s been years since my divorce, there are still some issues that impinge on my present day life. It is comforting and helpful to hear how other women have faced similar issues and survived and flourished after divorce.
Thanks you, again, Brenda for being open enough and brave enough to touch on these issues openly. I hope that we might hear more about how “Liz” is doing also, if that seems appropriate.
I will follow up with “Liz” as much as I am able to. She told me last week that she got her attorney appointment bumped up to today. I think you all scared her into moving even faster.
Brenda, this is such a wise post. My mothers’ divorce lawyer said the worst thing women do is try to keep the family home. Women think it is easier on the family to keep the house, often times they cannot afford it and it causes theme to go down a bad financial path.
IT is difficult to have a breakdown of a relationship at any age, especially if you have been with the person for any length of time. It is scary to start over and make our way in the world, but I think it is worse to be in a relationship and to be treated badly, to be lonely or to have no life.
You have made a beautiful home of your appartment and it is an inspiration to many.
I agree with your mother’s attorney. Too many memories there too.
Great advice, Brenda. You truly are wise and have your priorities straight.
It took me getting by myself for some time to get my priorities straight. When you’re in a bad marriage, there is so much noise you can’t hear yourself think.
Spot on! Great post.
I’m glad you enjoyed reading it.
This is why a woman should ALWAYS obtain as much education as she can and work experience, as well. She may need to go back to work one day either due to a spouse’s death or a separation/divorce. A woman should also have her own SECRET STASH OF CASH and build it up over time. Invest it in an IRA, inside of a Living Trust – consult an attorney. Trust me, it’s worth the money to do this because your account will be secured from being grabbed by creditors and/or a greedy spouse. Skim money off the grocery $$$ if need be. If you work, be sure you contribute the full amount you can afford to a 401(k) plan if your employer has one. It may hurt – like OUCH to stretch to get the maximum match your employer pays, if your employer pays a match, but you will be rewarded by seeing your balance grow monthly. Aim to contribute a MINIMUM of 10% of your paycheck each payday. If need be, in a desperate financial situation you can take out a low interest “loan” from your own 401(k) to help you pay expenses until your financial situation clears up if the husband has siphoned off all the marital assets. It is a sad truth these days of 50% of all marriages ending in divorce that you must first take care of yourself, because a spouse who is divorcing you may not once he walks away from the marriage. And he may not take care of any children you have, either. Sad facts of life that we need to teach our daughters. Really, why would any woman want to marry these days?
If I had it to do over, I would never have married. But hindsight is 20/20. You have wonderful advice. I didn’t do any of those things but get an education. If I hadn’t had this blog, I’d have been in real trouble financially.
Great advice. Wish I had known these ideas when I was young. Too dumb and trusting.
I agree with Laura Lilly. You’ve done well, Brenda. Some of your life experiences could have soured you on people but instead you reach out to share experience and kindness. I’d say you are a very caring person who will not be held down and hopes to help others avoid the same.
I like to think of myself as someone who puts their experience to good use by helping others whenever I can.
Indeed. ?
Very wise words.
Brenda, I’ve been reading your blog for years now and I admire so much how you’ve made a whole new life for yourself after your divorce. It’s a very good life too with your lovely little apartment, sweet pets and patio garden. I am so happy for you!
It is a good life. Losing Abi was the worst thing that’s happened since the divorce. And I’m very worried about Charlie. But I have a good life.
I divorced at the age of 40. I did not know one person who was divorced but after a good friend went through her divorce I realized that even if you file, you can get child support and while the money can get tight, the peace you have with the removal of the stress is so worth it. There were times when I freaked out about home repairs but I quickly learned there are people you can hire to do the repairs and paying them is so much more rewarding than having to praise someone who reluctantly helps you. I could go on and on about the positives of singledom, but I’ll end with that. You will learn what you like, what makes you happy and have the calm and peacefulness that you probably never did. And let me tell you, I was a lot lonelier when I was married than when I was single. I am remarried now, but I love my alone time when I get it. I am able to stand up for myself, able to know that it’s not wrong to say what you want and find joy in being exactly who you are.
I so agree! Sometimes it’s much lonelier being with someone.
Just tuned 71 this fall
Divorced March!
Good blog
And you sound like you still have a lot of spirit, despite having gone through such a life change!
I hope what you’ve written here becomes a source of empowerment for any woman who reads this, no matter her need or situation. The message is very encouraging and offers hope with a little how to on the side. I like it. ♥️
I keep returning to read posts about your divorce and how you created a life for yourself.
I left my husband of 28 years just 5 weeks ago. He wasn’t abusive but we couldn’t communicate.
Even though I chose to leave, I am reeling from grief and fear. I’ll be 46 in September and was always a homemaker. Now I have health issues.
I feel like my life is over. Your blog gives me hope. Thank you for sharing your story.
Sorry, didn’t think the first comment went through and did it again.
No worries. I deleted the second one.
I think this column could help women of all ages going through divorce —I would have benefitted by the sure, steady words when I went through a divorce in my 30s. I do hope this post reaches women who are feeling uncertain as they begin the journey of stepping out on their own. When you go through a divorce, a lot of people you talk to haven’t been through it themselves, or they are newly divorced too and still finding their way. But you have the divorce behind you and a number of years of living on your own so you know what you’re talking about. Thanks for helping.
Yes, I’ve been through the tunnel and came out the other side. I have started a category on this blog for divorce and plan to write more about divorce and older women.
What a fabulous post and very “on point”. I agree with Jo – every divorce lawyer needs to print this.
You said something very thought provoking – living alone doesn’t mean you have to be or will be lonely. That is so true. Additionally, it’s also your safe zone.
Thank you, Brenda for a wonderful post.
Lonely is when you’re with someone and you have nothing left to say to them.
Very true, Brenda!
I’ve been with you so long I remember when things started breaking down and how you moved into that one room to not have to deal with him all the while living in the same house. You had to leave behind the cats. Then your move to the little house and now to this smaller apartment that you have made look like a million bucks with a patio that would put any nursery owner to shame.
I went thru a divorce when I was 20. Made the mistake of marrying my HS sweetheart and it soured. He gave me a black eye one night and I left. That was it. I was out of there. I wound up in a small studio with a Murphy bed but slept much better. I never looked back. Your advice is wonderful. I hope it reaches the right people. We just need to put on our big girl panties and take action.
Yes Annette, you have been with me since just about the beginning. I cherish our friendship!
You are amazing!
Well thank you!
Every divorce lawyer in the world should print this post out and give it to women who arrive in tears at their office!
No, I don’t have experience in this matter and probably never will, but I have to tell you, Brenda, that despite living in the midst of a happy family with attentive adult daughters, their wonderful husbands, my own kind and generous husband, 10 perfect grandchildren, and more than enough rescued pets to go around – all in a large beautiful home with no financial worries, I often long for the solitude you enjoy every day. I’m not sure what it is you have, but I want it! You make yourself happy – and share the resulting inner peace and strength with your pets. I will never actually do it, but my dream is to find a small place like yours, install a couple rescued cats, and decorate it as sweetly as you’ve done your own. It would be my little secret hide away. I’d go there often, sink down into a chair, pick up my quilting with cats in my lap, and just “be Brenda” for as long as I’d like! And somehow, I don’t think I’m the only one of your readers who’d like to do the same thing!
What is that saying? Every woman needs a room of her own.
You are right Jo. You are not the only one. I need to look up the Henry Thoreau quote that says something about the blissfulness of solitude. And we know that solitude does not mean the same as loneliness. Brenda lives in solitude every day with grace and joy. I have experienced loneliness on more than one occasion while being in the midst of a crowd. I love my husband, however, whenever I am alone I find that I wished a day held 1000 hours so that I could go on a decorating binge.
you are so right. Since I was a kid, I wanted a little cottage all to myself, with no one to have to deal with. I still dream of it.