Healing What Hurts You

“If you don’t heal what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.”

I saw this quote the other day and it really stayed with me. How true that one sentence is.

I don’t know who wrote it. But I found the words to be very powerful.

Love relationships are mirrors of the inner self. We learn how lovable we are and how valuable our love is to others only by interacting with the people we love.

“Young children attribute negative reflections of themselves from significant others to their own inadequacy and unworthiness,” said Dr. Steven Stosny, Ph.D.

Internalizing Negative Images:

If you internalize your body image based on the reflections from a fun house mirror, you will see a distortion of what’s really there.

Once you’ve internalized this negative image, you might then come to distrust even accurate mirrors.

“Some part of us buys into the “blemishes” reflected in the mirror of love, even when we know intellectually that our loved one is distorting who we are.”

Attacking The Mirror:

“Not so much for their behavior as for our painful reflections in the mirror of love. We want to attack the mirror because we don’t like the reflection.”

“The mirror of love generates energy when it reflects value and depletes energy when it doesn’t.”

Reflections Of Love:

“When it comes to physical appearance, at least we have lots of other mirrors to compare to the distorted fun house reflection. But there are no reflections of love other than those we get from the people we love.

“If you judge how lovable you are based on reflections from someone who cannot love without hurt, you will have a necessarily distorted and inaccurate view of yourself.”

Therefore the default assumption may be, if someone you love is not pleased with you, that must mean there is something wrong with you. And thus you need anger or resentment to protect yourself.

“The mirror of love generates energy when it reflects value and depletes energy when it doesn’t.”

Blaming the Mirror

Each person must create more value and meaning in life for themselves, independent of the opinions of those we love.

The way to heal our wounds is to accept that the wound is separate from the self.

Instead of putting so much of yourself into pleasing others, get outside in nature and you will realize that the world is vast. You will learn to find pleasure in the sights before you if you take the time to sit and watch.

You will find joy in the singing of the birds. The way the trees look in any given season. Maybe you will take up bird watching or photography as a hobby by extension.

Find pleasure that is not dependent on another person. Learn to love yourself.

Heal Thyself:

The way out of emotional pain is to learn to use it as a motivation to heal and improve.

“You can love without hurt,” said Dr. Stosny, “but only if you use pain as a signal to heal and improve rather than punish.

During the holidays emotions are often high. Especially now that we are around one another so much due to the pandemic.

Try to use this information to blunt the pain you receive and the pain you might be tempted to inflict during times of emotional stress.

Find joy in unexpected places.


(Much of this information was taken from an article in Psychology Today written by Dr. Steven Stosny, Ph.D.)

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7 Comments

  1. Wow, very powerful post. I’m going to be checking the links you offered in your post. Elizabeth above wrote about expectations. I have also found over the years to check my expectations vs reality. Accepting others and myself without using self imposed expectations has helped me to enjoy what comes rather plan out how I think they should be. I try to see things for what they are rather than how I want them to be…. this has lead me to less disappointment. Your blog is refreshing… one day it’s an idea about decorating, then another day it’s something to do with how to navigate the world around us. Thank you.

  2. Brenda, first, must tell you how much I enjoy and learn from your posts—thank you so much
    I just finished reading DARE TO BE KIND by LIZZY VELASQUES, don’t know if you’ve heard of this young woman—she has a SYNDROME that doesn’t let her gain weight and has a slight deformity
    which made for her to be bullied thru out her life, but in spite of that, she is now a motivational speaker
    I found very inspiring—–also thank you for sharing your wonderful girl’s stories

  3. Those are very powerful words! Thank you so much for sharing.
    I’ve suffered some incredible hurts in my life and it’s only been in the last almost 2 years that I’ve learned the importance of self care.

  4. I have found in the last six years to love myself and my self worth and I am my happy self that I once was! Thank you for this today it meant a lot to me !

  5. Seems true to me, Brenda. And you know, in my life, the less expectations I have had in December, the better that difficult month has been. And for me, the less plans I have made the better…if I fall ill in a year, it has generally been in December for some reason. Perhaps part of that has been due to crushed hopes and maybe that lowers the immune system? So for the last decade or so, I have found more joy in just basically taking advantage of whatever good comes along and not expecting anything else.

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