Moody Music Of Rain

Yesterday I stood on the back step of the patio. The sky was like a placid body of water. A smooth gray velvet surface that made me want to touch its softness. Last night it erupted into a rain shower.

I don’t find rain dreary. It is like moody music you keep playing over and over again just to hear the soft chords deliver a familiar song.

Growth Of Self:

Sometimes I feel that I plunged on ahead before I could grow into a certain place in time. Missing a step somewhere along the way.

I think in some ways I’m stuck there. And over the many years of my life, the path, the growth of self, feels like it abruptly ended for me in that one place.

That there was no bridge to get me to the other side.

Rickety Stairs:

When I was young I did a lot of things I’m not proud of. Threw everything out there, my anger a cloud of confetti raining down, spilling over everyone within reach.

No one was there to catch me if I fell. And I fell many times before I became an adult and managed to put a stone in the broken sidewalk so I could safely step over it.

Still, that step I missed is like walking down rickety stairs to a dark basement. That scary moment when your foot can’t find sure ground.

And so you stand there, one foot dangling in the air, afraid to move forward. Fearing there will be nothing solid to catch you.

And now the rain has turned to snow, I see as I gaze out the French doors.

Change always happens without your consent. There is no pause to let you catch your breath. Time moves on and takes you with it.

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” ― Søren Kierkegaard

8 Comments

  1. I do like the winter months in my state, which is a good thing because there are a lot of gray, rainy days. It is strange how a gray day can cause one person’s mood to turn negative but it can cause another person to feel moved in a more positive way. As for your feeling of being stuck at a point in the past, maybe the one good thing is that you are at least able to acknowledge and verbalize that feeling of being stuck. I hope that as a new year begins, you can feel less stuck and more free, like a bird you see flitting about on your patio who then flies up into the sky.

  2. “Change always happens without your consent. There is no pause to let you catch your breath. Time moves on and takes you with it.”

    I love that statement. It stopped me in my tracks as it is so true. I’ve never looked at it that way.

  3. Sometimes I wish that the person I am now could go back in time and warn my younger self about the mess that I was about to step into. But knowing the kind of person that I used to be I would have told my older self that I know what I’m doing and that I’m not about to listen to some old lady.

  4. Hindsight is usually near perfect…but you know, there are parts of my life I still do not know HOW I could have changed anything for the better. I think life for some at least, holds places with NO GOOD answers!! We just muddle through the best we can…and also the secrets held in some families do nothing towards helping solve some things either…I think you have done remarkably well considering your difficult childhood, Brenda!!

  5. I think change is hard and when we have been in a place for a long time it can be hard to make big and permanent changes. When my husband and I travel to places we love, I always imagine what it would be like living there..and then I realize I have a life where I am and after being a military brat for all my childhood I am content to stay put but I love to go places and see new things. I think for me a temporary change of venue is always needed but with COVID we have had to cancel two trips this year. I guess we need to just get in the car and just take a break from the monotony and get a change of scenery. Another ice storm is approaching so for the moment we are stuck here, but looking forward to something new because I could sure sure a mental health break! Stay well and safe!

  6. What a perfect comment… “ life can only be understood backwards….” . Try as we may we can only under suit just that way. I wish the weather did not affect me so much but it has a strong hold on my mood. Now the next two months are the long haul for me. I have come to not enjoy winter even a little. I despise the dark & cold. Best I get some books in and hunker down for this to pass. Look forward to your post daily.

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