Learning To Lean Into The Sun

All my life it seems I was searching for something. Turning over every rock looking for it.

I just didn’t have the wherewithal to see my own worth.

Come to find out, after decades of searching, I found that what I was searching for was within me all along.

I was stronger and more resilient than I thought.

Closing The Door Behind Me:

When no one lifts you up when you’re young and shows your measure by the depth of love in their eyes, you go out into the world thinking you’re unworthy.

Without confidence in yourself, you get tossed about the world like debris in the wind.

When I finally struck out on my own I can’t say I felt steady on my feet. I was ambivalent about closing the door, finally, behind me.

Because then there would be no clawing my way back to that desperate place that at least was familiar to me.

“Women don’t endure simply because we can. No, women endure because we aren’t given any other choice. They wanted us weak but forced us to be strong.” ― Amanda Lovelace

It’s About Control:

I can’t say it was an epiphany to realize I already had within me what I’d been searching for all along. It came over weeks and months of no one whispering doubt in my ear.

I understood, finally, that it is about control. The firmness and tenacity of the hand that’s holding you down.

To see someone rise up and lean into the sun threatens them.

“Even to me the issue of “stay small, sweet, quiet, and modest” sounds like an outdated problem, but the truth is that women still run into those demands whenever we find and use our voices.” ― Brené Brown

Reaching Toward The Sun:

To leave the dark and find the light is so hard to do when you’ve never given yourself credit for much of anything. When you feel that you’ve failed at everything, and excelled at nothing.

But like a little weed among taller weeds, I reached up toward the sun.

I jostled the other weeds aside and leaned into that light.

It felt so warm on my face, like someone who loved me was caressing it.

“It is amazing what a woman can do if only she ignores what men tell her she can’t.” ― Carol K. Carr, India Black

Learning To Love Yourself:

What I found is that you have to love yourself. No one else can fulfill that starving need within you. It must come from within.

And if anyone out there finds themselves in this place, know that if I can do it, you can too. I write this to remind you of your worth if you happen to be in a place where you doubt its existence.

I want other women, if they see this in themselves, to have hope. To hold on tight and not let go.

The lifeline you are desperately reaching for is not outside, but inside.

You too can rise up and lean into the sun. The path is there.

“Women saw everything, and they thought about everything. The result was wisdom. For men, this was a frightening state of affairs, which is why they insist on holding on to power.” ― Tamar Myers, The Witch Doctor’s Wife

19 Comments

  1. I never felt that I was worth much, knew much, or could do much. It took a major breakaway from a relationship that forced me to do what I thought I could not do, to really feel like ‘something’ and to have some semblance of power and choice. However, when I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior, I realized that I had infinite value just as a created being–not because I had gone through any trials or because I had done ‘great things’. God’s Word tells us we are “fearfully and wonderfully made”, having been “knit together in our mother’s womb”. I’m a daughter of the King, I don’t need to do anything other than admit my need for a Savior and then walk in His wisdom, love, acceptance, and power. I can do nothing apart from God. I could be Queen of the World, or simply a queen of a dumpster, as long as I am grounded in the fact that I am worthy in the eyes of God. I don’t need anyone’s approval or acceptance, other than the acceptance and grace that is found in our loving God. It can be so easy to listen to the devil when he tell us we are worthless; that is the time to read and listen to what God says about us. Women don’t need to act like a man, and they don’t need what the modern day ‘world’ tells us we need to do–or look like–to be worthy… our worth is found in God and nowhere else.

  2. This is perfect. It sums up my life and let’s me know no matter how old I am I can take the next step toward better. ❤️ Thank you a thousand times for this inspiration. You changed a life this morning.

  3. Fabulous Brenda, just fabulous. I tell this to my girls all the time, but not nearly as eloquently as you have stated it here. I’m sending them the link so they can come and read it for themselves.

  4. I happened across Dr. Les Carter, a psychoanalyst, today on Youtube. Wasn’t looking for him or information on this particular subject, I search under “recently posted” or similar and it popped up. I found it profoundly appropriate to your post today, and also what we are going through in many ways as a nation. In this video, Dr. Carter speaks to finally saying NO to being controlled by a narcissistic person and, if need be, walking away from it, how the narcissist will respond, and how to deal with that response. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28eUzjSFL90

  5. So very well said. Now if these words could be said to very young women perhaps more could stand tall and know they are valuable. More women need to know they are every bit as good and valuable as any man around. I also want to add that I very much am in agreement with your words from the other day speaking up about our country and the place where we find ourselves with this virus that never had to be this bad. I’m proud of you for speaking up and saying your opinion ( which I agree with 100 percent) out loud. Keep speaking your honest mind and I’ll remain a loyal reader. Thank you.

  6. Brenda,
    strong , sage words honestly said. I think this type of thinking applies to us; “perhaps the Baby Boomer generation?” As a Mom of two girls, in this day and age, these thoughts and attitudes are becoming extinct.

  7. Beautifully stated. I know you have encouraged women to see their own self-worth and stand on their feet again.

  8. I’m sure you’re helping women who feel stuck or worthless with your beautiful words and encouragement.

    How are you feeling today? You were sick a couple of days ago. Hope you’re better now!

  9. You’ve struck a chord with me this morning! I felt that you were speaking directly to my heart and mind. I won’t bore you with all the details. Thank you so much!

  10. Your words are so encouraging. It seems like most of your readers, including me, are all in the same boat and it is so nice, and also therapeutic, to be able to express ourselves on your blog. Thank you so much!

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