Funny the things you think about the first hour you’re awake. The subjects that roll through your mind like a steadily turning film reel.
I thought of the over 500,000 COVID-19 deaths in this country that I would not have dreamed of last year had someone portended the future.
Just about this time last year we were becoming aware of this virus and learning to wear masks.
I thought about how pretty Ivy is as she stood on her hind legs in the kitchen while I prepared her food. My word, that cat is tall!
I thought how much I love this big ball of fur. How she has wrapped her paws around my heart and squeezed it.
And of course there’s my sweet Charlie, who has been through so much with me. Who traveled from Texas with me at a sad time in my life.
He and Abi and me. On toward a new adventure.
Moving Toward Our Future:
I was looking straight ahead and wondering what our future held. Whether I’d be happy in Tulsa. If I would adjust quickly.
I drove with all the memories corralled and spinning through my head. The good times. The bad times. And how the bad times often tinge the good times so that the good times lose their color altogether.
It had taken an immense amount of fortitude to start the ball rolling. Of leaving a tainted and most likely doomed to fail relationship that has both confused and gripped me more than any other.
After not having seen him for ten years during the decade of my thirties, he had contacted me again.
Who Knows Or Will Ever Know:
Maybe I ultimately grabbed onto him. Or he grabbed onto the memory of me. Who will ever know now?
I think what was most confounding to me, what made me want him more than anything else, was the fact that he probably knew me better than I knew myself.
And he seemed to want me anyway.
That compelled me more than the thought that he might love or want me.
The fact that in my twenties he sat three days a week for three years across the desk from me and listened to me retell the entirety of my life.
Or the parts I remembered anyway.
And still he did not run away. He ran toward me instead.
Secrets Have A Way Of Turning On You:
I should have known that the relationship had no true foundation other than the secrets and memories I’d spilled out over time.
Of course there came a time when he turned all those words against me. Used those memories to hurt me.
But instead of providing comforting words as he did all those years ago, he said all the bad things about me were in fact true. That he’d lied.
I think maybe that hurt the most. That he would flip the script like that. And now I would be left wondering. Because he’d been the first person who helped me feel good about myself.
He’d given me hope and a feeling of positivity when depression seemed to rule my life.
But Now He’s Gone:
And now he is dead and gone. But still in my head.
I do not mourn him as I thought I would. Somehow the knowledge that he cannot get inside my head again is a relief. Even though, in some ways, I guess he still does.
I don’t think I ever truly relaxed fully until I knew that he was gone and gone forever. What that says about me I don’t exactly know.
So the questions will remain where the person does not.
You must wonder why I feel compelled to write about him still. And I can only tell you this: I honestly just don’t know.
“Don’t allow someone to treat you poorly just because you’re afraid of losing them.”
― Charles F. Glassman