Out Back In My Patio Garden

Yesterday I was out back in my patio garden, weaving in and around all the pots. And decided my patio garden looks something akin to a war zone.

A war with the sun and high temperatures that have burned my garden.

So many of my plants have turned brown. My zinnias are still blooming, but they look like they’re on their last legs too.

And it’s just August 2.

This is happening earlier and earlier every year and it saddens me.

Gardening Disappointments:

Is there any point in working hard and creating a garden only for it to be gone so soon? Not to mention the expense involved.

The alliums that just started blooming are still looking good. The plant was new last year and this year the blooms are thicker, more developed. This pot is somewhat in the shade

Even most of the plants I have in partial shade are just not up for this crazy heat.

It’s much too hot to go out and sit in my wicker chair. I only go out to water the patio garden and that’s it.

It’s even hard to get photos because my camera lens fogs up as soon as I go outside.

I will have to rethink next year if I’m still living here.

Still On A Month-To-Month Lease:

By the way, I never did sign a new lease for my apartment. I’m going to continue paying month to month.

My 85-year-old neighbor asked the maintenance man for a filter the other day. And he told her that they weren’t getting any new supplies, so he didn’t have one.

He said before this new management company recently took over, someone did not pay the bill.

Well, that would have to be the owners who didn’t pay the bill I suppose. Because this management company put a notice on my door about a month ago saying they were now managing the complex.

He said no one will send him supplies until the bill is taken care of. Hopefully that problem is resolved by now.

The Craziness Of The Real Estate Market:

The real estate market is going to be like this for a while, it looks like. And maybe it’s for the best as for my own plans. Maybe I’m just not meant to take on a loan and home repairs and all that.

Eventually one of the senior (55+) complexes will have an opening. I am on 3 lists right now.

There are only three 55+apartment complexes in Tulsa that aren’t income-restricted.

Or they’re the kind of senior facility that meals and all that for a high fee. And I can’t pay that kind of monthly rent.

Grief:

I’ve decided that grief is a continuous loop. The images of Charlie just keep appearing in my mind. Over and over again.

I see him walking out on the patio. Sitting in the passenger seat of my car. Lying next to me in this chair.

And then the worst memory of all. At the vet’s office when the female veterinarian looked up at me and said: “He’s gone.”

That image appears a lot in my mind. And it breaks me.

I miss him, both of them, so very much.

Yesterday I ate my supper while tears fell into my plate.

I just kept eating. And grieving. Wishing I could push back time to when Charlie and Abi were younger and full of life.

Where Their Photos Are Now:

If you noticed, I took their photos off the blog page at the top of the sidebar. It is just too upsetting to have it there right now when I’m still so raw with grief.

So I put them on the Home page, photos of Abi and Charlie, and a little memorial for them.

It never seems like enough, the words I use to convey my love for them.

That love is too big to be contained.

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26 Comments

  1. I grieve daily for my little doggie that passed March 8th…she was almost eighteen . I miss her so very much!

  2. I understand your grief – losing pets, well, they are family members, and the most wonderful companions. It is heart-wrenching.
    My flowers are suffering this summer, too, because we had so much rain. And then, there’s the deer and rabbits eating the ones that aren’t fenced in. Ah well, they do bring me joy, so I’ll keep at it!

  3. They sell Sun Shades typically in a Triangle Shape.I know Amazon has them .They start at around 40$.You would have to pay someone to put it up for you but I think it would help with the direct Heat on your Patio.Global Warming is real and will only get worse. So very sad.I have a Friend in Brazil who said it Snowed on Sunday there.My Friend from Iraq said most days it is 117 degrees.Crazy times. On another note remeemeber your Dogs and sometimes we just cry thinking about them. I have lost many Dogs and still miss them all.

  4. We have bad heat here in eastern NC. My brother in law bought some inexpensive beach umbrellas from Dollar General and sets them up to give his flowers some shade in the afternoon sun. Maybe that would help.

  5. I’m noticing the with heat and plants. And earlier every year. Out here in California we are water restricted too so we can’t even water to keep things alive.
    I agree with you about the grief. I still cannot look at pictures of my babies that passed in January and February. And I still sometimes think I see them. It has gotten a bit better though, at least it’s not constant.
    Agree about the real estate market.

  6. we’ve lost three cats over the year. All much loved and all three have come back and visited me after passing away. I know it sounds crazy but one woke me up with kneading his paws on my legs. Another one used to rest by my leg every morning til his best buddy showed up and then they both went off together and I haven’t felt them since.

  7. Have you thought about adding a sun shade to your patio? It would make a big difference in shading plants & keeping it cooler.

    1. Same here with the flowers. Water didn’t help in 90+ degree days. Getting ready to pull up the ones that I don’t collect seeds off of.

  8. Sorry about your suffering, Brenda…those little doggies were of such comfort to you…at times maybe all you had…and that alone makes them worthy to be grieved…maybe when you can, getting a new dog might be of help…I suppose that may depend upon where you end up living. We too are on month-to-month, thus paying even more, but I feel we must be able to relocate quickly if ever we can. Everyone must think we have a gold mine someplace…how do they think those who are on a strict income can continue paying for all their luxuries?? ESPECIALLY in this time of never ending covid?? It blows my mind. This country did not use to totally function on greed…but it seems so now.

  9. I’ve read that putting disposable diapers in the bottom of the pots helps with moisture. They puff up with the water.

  10. Brenda have you considered lining your pots with bubble wrap prior to filling with soil? Fortunately I have a covered deck for most of my potted plants which is a blessing in this brutal South Texas heat but I started using the bubble wrap on those on concrete, some of which only receive partial shade during the day, and it seems to make a difference. Of course they still require daily watering and I found that the wrap with larger bubbles seems to provide better protection.

  11. We have just had so much rain that my zinnias it definitely are not doing well. I always invite you having a patio, but if you aren’t able to use it I guess it’s not much use. XO Laura

  12. My window boxes are on their last leg due to extreme heat and then too much rain so I decided no more spending the money on them anymore. My pots of flowers under a shade tree are looking the best of anything in my yard so I too question the expense of trying to make it look pretty. Please know we feel your same grief and it’s how we process losing our beloved pets so you share your feelings as it’s healthy to work through your loss.

  13. I am truly sorry you haven’t been able to enjoy your garden as much as you have in the past.
    Allow yourself to grieve the passing of Abi and Charlie – it’s ok, Brenda. Give yourself grace; you deserve it.
    More gentle hugs!

  14. Pets, in my opinion, are one of the purest forms of unconditional love. I think that is why it’s so hard to turn that page to move forward. You can do it though. They want you to be happy.

    You are smart to keep your month to month lease. It keeps your options open so you can pounce on that perfect place when ready. In some ways you are ahead of many since you don’t have to wait for a house to sell.

    Your allium are lovely. They are one of my favorite flowers. Just a ball of purple perfection!

  15. Why don’t you try lighter colored pots that don’t take in the heat much. Where I live our growing season is from maybe the middle of May til a little after labor day.

  16. This year just for fun I planted zucchini and potatoes. I wanted to see how I would do. So far so good. I have had 2 nice zucchini and will have more. I will use a tote next year because a 5 gallon bucket has not been big enough.
    I planted potatoes late so that is yet to be seen how they will do. I have heard the plant has to bloom and die before I dump potatoes out. This has been very enjoyable. Learning is fun.
    I wish for you only good things. You are always so kind. And I learn from you.

  17. Mourning is a natural response to losing a loved one. Don’t feel as if you should just try and shake it off or that you should be grieving like you are. I still mourn the loss of my three dogs, who died in 1999, 2001 and 2004, just thinking about them brings me to tears. That isn’t a bad thing, it reminds us that we have normal feelings and are empathetic loving women. That’s something to be proud of, in a world that today seems so filled with deliberate cruelty and hate. It’s been far above normal hot and humid here too, the “new normal.” I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it. I hate being cooped up inside but I just can’t stand sweating in the shade when I’m sitting still outside just trying to relax in my Shezebo. Can’t do it in this kind of weather. The gardens have suffered, cutting the blooming time way short and the burning sunlight killing some plants outright, and my formerly beautiful Blue Grass lawn – oh my. Even running up the water bill several hundred dollars a quarter hasn’t helped much. The insects and weeds have invaded en masse. Welcome to global climate change. We’ll be dealing with this from now on, and getting worse and worse. Makes me furious we humans supposedly the top creation have been so stupid that we are killing our own world. Makes me glad sometimes I’m 70 next month and have less years ahead of me than behind me.

    1. Lovely ❤ words to live by.
      We’ve gone through so many deaths of our precious pets.
      So difficult.
      Because rescuing older pets, (a few were either lost or strays) are important & necessary to use, we loose them sooner.
      I think it does cause all of us to age. It’s the guilt and worry that we didn’t do enough to save them. Not really true though. Most of us know when it’s time for our pet(s) to stop suffering.
      Be more gentle on yourself Brenda.
      Abi & Charlie know you deeply loved them.
      They are at peace now.

  18. Minnie, Taffy, Mittens, Satchel, Shake, Rattle, Roll, Baby, Munchkin, Daisy, Dixie…..all names of some of the babies, both cats and dogs, who have travelled through my life and given me joy and heartbreak when they passed on. We are so lucky to have these treasures in our lives, even if for a short time. I now have my Zoe, a coton de Tulear and a rescue who spent 7 1/2 years in a crate at a breeding facility. One of the sweetest darlings ever. Celebrate the joy they brought you.

    1. My Gabe was rescued from a puppy mill raid in South Carolina years ago. He was 3 yrs. old, being used as a pure bred “stud” wire haired dachshund. He spent the first 3 yrs of his life in a cage, never having touched grass. When he made his way to me, he was terrified of the outdoors and had to learn how to walk outdoors, potty train, etc. it took time, but he finally quit shaking. A fews years after we got him, we moved to the blue ridge mountains and he became quite the adventurer and even treed a young bear! He became fearless. Now he and I are both old and arthritic (he is 18!) and I am so glad we adopted him and turned his life around and he knows joy now. He has entertained and loved us, bringing so much into our lives. Oh, and he isn’t even close to be being a full dachshund. Vet says he has some kind of terrier in him. Give me pets to love on any day over most people. We have had many fur babies pass on, and grief is part of the process of loving. I believe in the rainbow bridge and that I will see my babies again when I pass on.

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