yellow rose

The yellow roses are abundant right now.

Andrew

Andrew sitting on my couch playing games.

cucumbers

I ate one of the peppers from my garden. Last night I sliced fresh cucumber over my salad. It tasted wonderful. Nothing like store produce.

charlie

Last night in the wee hours I felt Charlie lie down against my back. He didn’t stay long. But still, more progress.

Charlie has always been submissive. If you reach down to pick him up, he will belly flop on the floor like he’s afraid. I don’t know why he does this. I guess it’s just his nature.

I know his back is still hurting even though I’m giving him the pain pills the vet gave me. I hope the acupuncture helps him on Wednesday.

Every morning I wake up and the loss of Abi slaps me in the face. The fact that she isn’t here with me.

patio plants

Last night I was standing just outside the patio door while Charlie was outside. When I looked at Charlie through the film of my tears, he looked just like Abi.

For just a moment, it seemed she was back here with us.

Grief feels like a foreign entity has crept into my body. And I am a mere puppet waiting for it to pull me in the direction it wants me to go. I’m crying and then suddenly I’m numb.

Charlie is always close to me. I pet him and talk to him and tell him I love him throughout the day. Last night he went under the bed again. I wonder if he’s looking for Abi?

I’m looking for Abi too. Will she be a butterfly that lights on my flowers? A bird that sits on the fence and chirps its song?

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18 Comments

  1. I feel for u brenda. When I lost my bella I would sit outside in my truck and dread to go in the house. I knew it would be so empty without her. I said the only thing good to come out of it was she is now in heaven and is running free. And I get to save another dog. I waited 10 months then rescued my memphis from the humane society. He is a sweet beagle/blue tick hound mix and is the light of our life. Ur abi will be waiting for u with her tail wagging. Grief is a process to go through, it takes time. God bless u!

  2. Charlie is going to become a snuggle pup, you just wait! I’m so glad your grandson came for a visit as I know he put a smile on your face. Homegrown vegetables, you just can’t beat them! Enjoy your Monday Brenda!

    Carol and Molly

  3. I love what Lena wrote, so true! Right now my Zoe is on my lap, I’m grateful that she loves me, warts and all. She’s a Min Pin mix, a barker, but a sweet girl:). Your roses are beautiful and Andrew does look like you:). Hugs to you and Charlie,
    Kathleen Zoe and Bella in Az

  4. It can take a long time Brenda. Emotions in this can feel like a roller coaster ride. One moment feeling as though you’ve progressed a bit and then in the next, smashed into the oblivion of sorrow all over again. I find relapse days especially difficult – those days when even getting out of bed and forcing myself to participate in life is more than I care to give. I’ve experienced a lot of numbness too.

    I have found keeping busy can help. I took on an extra work project etc., and although it is distraction and I recognize it for exactly what it is … it can help. Morning after morning I’ve arisen since losing him with the first words of my day being … “oh boy, another day of living”.

    It is not for lack of gratefulness, truly not. Rather, the loss of something that was so so dear to me, I’m simply at loss without him. I’ve never known life to be easy or even particularly kind and not from a babe in the cradle did I know it. But I tell you true, this has been one of the most heart wrenching experiences of my life. For some it can pass easier but for others it will not.

    Sounds like Charlie may be trying to comfort you too. Being a little bit more like Abi perhaps, it seems he’s telling you in his own way, “I know she’s gone too mom”. Abi may come to you when you least expect it. Give it time. Be gentle with yourself.

  5. Brenda,
    They say losing a pet is most painful loss there is. I have mentioned before the utter pain and loss I felt when I lost my Munchen. For the fist weekend I laid on my couch crying, sobbing and only got up to take the dogs out. I could not believe how empty and yet filled with pain I felt.

    You have only just lost your girl. You are going to have some bad days, probably more than good for a little while. Just do what you can, don’t take on too much. Rest, relax and hug Charlie.

    I wonder too if he is looking for Abi under the bed. I am sure that he is confused.

    Take care,
    Elizabeth

  6. Continuing to keep you and Charlie in my prayers. I know how hard it is, this grieving process. Your garden looks so good and nothing tastes as great as home grown vegetables. I have lots planted but nothing to the stage of eating yet. Red is my favorite color and I love the mix of the fabrics. Hang in there Brenda…so many of your readers are holding you in their thoughts and prayers. Carolyn in northwest Florida

  7. Like so many others Brenda, I wish I had the words to make this better. I just saw somewhere today that the only thing that helps grief is action and I thought of you right away. I think you are doing the right thing in keeping yourself busy with your gardening. I know this is small comfort and in no way the same or enough, but nothing can ever take away the love you and Abi shared. That will be yours forever and Abi will always be in your heart. Charlie is so sweet and I am so glad you are helping each other. Also, I think Andrew definitely looks like you.

  8. Your photos just blow me away, Brenda. The one of the rose is absolute perfection. We had five kitties, but over the years are now down to three. When the last one passed, the kitty who was her special little buddy definitely sniffed around and looked for her at first. I sometimes wonder if she still thinks about her missing friend, but since it’s been almost two years, I suppose not.

  9. I’ve come to the conclusion that life is hard. No revelation but was difficult to accept. However, with the hard things joy still comes. Like seeing your rose today that’s pure joy. I know grieving is something we have to endure but hug Charlie close and don’t miss the moments of joy he has to give you . Andrew is a handsome young man and seeing our children and our grands gives us hope and joy for the future. I’m praying for you .Keep on going ,Brenda all your readers look for you each day and care so much about you.

  10. You already have a wonderful garden while mine is still waking up!
    I wondered that too about Charlie looking for Abi.
    I have never wanted two cats because I always wondered when one passed on how
    the other would feel. Of course it is different for cats they don’t get so attached.
    I am sure Charlie is grieving too in his own way but with your loving, tender care he
    will be fine in time.
    .

  11. i wrote in my journal through all the losses.
    and one thing about the computer age…
    we are never alone. and putting feelings on a page
    whether an electronic one or a paper one…
    it’s a good thing and of healing us in ways we’re not even aware. xo

  12. I think Abi may appear as a mischievous squirrel, just to drive Charlie a bit bonkers at the patio door and to entertain you for a little while with her antics. Your grief will fade with time, Brenda For each of us, the process is different and here isn’t a timetable. But just because the pain fades doesn’t mean you will forget the great love you have for Abi, or the joy she gave you during her life.

  13. Losing a pet is so unbelievably painful. For me there was nothing to be done except feel the grief and wait it out. Time. It took time. Hang in there….

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