What a bizarre title, you’re probably thinking. I’ve been doing some reading about sociopaths. And since there are a high number of them, there may actually be a sociopath sleeping right next to you in your bed.

How Many Sociopaths Are There?

It is estimated that 1 in 25 people are sociopaths. Startling, isn’t it?

I started thinking about this due to the number of emails I was receiving from women about their divorce or impending divorce. Some of the stories were horrific.

Not that they were beaten to within an inch of their lives; those scars would heal. It is the psychological torture; the gaslighting.

sociopath quote

What is Gaslighting?

“I never said that. You’re making things up again.”
“Are you sure? You tend to have a bad memory.”
“It’s all in your head.”

I have been reading about women whose husbands have cleaned them out financially behind their backs. Husbands who never let them see the tax returns, but demand they sign on the dotted line.

You’re probably thinking. Why on earth would a woman sign on the dotted line not knowing what she was signing? By virtue of that question, I must assume that you have not been in a toxic abusive relationship before.

You can’t judge a book by its cover. You have no idea what is going on behind closed doors.

They Have No Conscience, Therefore No Guilt:

You are dealing with someone who has no conscience. And if you are the person signing the documents, you have a conscience. And you are smart to be afraid.

It’s not like they (men or women) go around with a sign looped around their neck that says: Warning: I am a sociopath.

You know what they say regarding what you should do when someone is pointing a gun at you: Stay calm. Keep your wits about you.

The sociopath’s gun is his/her lack of remorse. So don’t be foolish and poke the bear. Just quietly find a way out of their sights until you are safe.

sociopath quote

The bizarre manipulation and confounding lengths these individuals will go to to ruin you is scary. The statistics alone are frightening.

Four percent. 4% of ordinary people are sociopaths. One may be sleeping in your bed. They may be a family member, a co-worker, or a friend.

Unmasking The Sociopath:

It is only when you manage to unmask them that you see what they really are. Don’t cross them. Turn around and walk in the other direction.

If you are sleeping with the sociopath and just had a sweeping flash of what your future will be, you are probably looking for a way out. Good for you. Because it will only get worse.

It’s like fighting someone with one hand tied behind your back. You have a conscience and therefore limits to your behavior and the lengths you will go to. He/she does not. This puts you at a great disadvantage.

sociopath quote

That’s all well and good, you may be thinking. But how do you untangle yourself from such a person and a relationship?

Leaving a Sociopath – 5 Break Up Musts

1.  As soon as the door shuts, have your door locks rekeyed. 

2. Go No Contact and Non-Threat

3. Reconnect With People Who Love Us

4. Find People Who Know What We’re Going Through

5. Please – don’t even think about dating

Remember con artists, users, and takers sense vulnerability.
Right now we’re more vulnerable than a newborn baby.

As we can – do things that soothe. – Avoid romantic music and “our song”. Go for care and nurturing. We gave up things we love doing during the con. – Start again as we’re able. Fall in love with ourselves. 

(Information found at The Mind’s Journal)

quote about sociopaths

How many times have I sat and picked at the carcass of a now dissolved marriage, trying to figure out why? I have learned that that is a fruitless labor. There is no answer to why.

I never could figure out how he could so fulsomely make me believe he loved me while doing the things he did.

I tried so hard to figure out when things went wrong. Now I know they were never right to begin with.

It was never really a marriage. It was a time bomb set to go off.

I so wanted closure after the divorce. I needed to put my questions and answers to rest. But that would never really happen.

sociopath quote

There are many reasons why you will not get closure from the sociopath:

  • They like to retain control
  • They do not like exposure
  • They are secretive because of the above
  • They do not think that they have done anything wrong
  • In  their own mind, they would prefer to shift the blame onto you
  • If you take them back, you will still not get closure, because they have by now put on a new mask
  • They often do not know why
  • They have a sense of entitlement that they can behave in that way
  • They do not want to go over the past

(From Dating A Sociopath. I suggest you go to that link and read more.)

sociopath quote

Finding Peace:

I have found happiness and peace. It took some time to get there. I am still to this day bewildered by what happened.

But I have gone through the tunnel and am now firmly on the other side. And it is from this side that I wish to help women just like me.

We may look different, act different and be different. But with the burning embers we are left with, we are all the same.

Please take this very seriously. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been married 1 year or 45. This  person wears a mask. When all is said and done, you will wonder when that wonderful  charming man that you married changed.

The important thing to remember is that he did not change. He just put on different masks when you weren’t looking.

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21 Comments

  1. Thank you for being a guiding force for women who are in this situation. I am a widow but would help anyone who needed me. I can not share the pain of their lives but
    can see this in others lives. God bless you and each of the women who can get help from your blog.

  2. Another thing — why did I stay eight years when things were bad in the first three months? For one, and probably biggest reason of all, I was kind of conditioned to put up with crap. I grew up being bullied and manipulated by my parents. I didn’t like being mistreated but I got to the point of believing the negative things they and my ex said about me. Also I’d had a previous boyfriend break up with me and I wanted to be wanted. And we’d made plans for the farm and I had believed in us as a couple and in those hopes and dreams for the farm. But it was like he had a second set of plans in a drawer I hadn’t known about. I kept hoping he’d go back to the plans he made with me. But the plans he made with me weren’t real, they were a mask like Brenda write about. It took a long time for me to catch on. I hope my comments can help someone look at their situation and dig deep to find the truth and know it’s ok to realize you made a mistake marrying the person and it’s ok to want to get out of there and have some relief. It’s even ok if you bumble around like I did and make bad decisions when you finally do leave. You don’t have to be perfect at it but you do deserve to be safe.

    1. We all make excuses for them. Of course we don’t want to break up the marriage. We do all we can to keep it intact. Until we can’t do it anymore. People think you should immediately leave. But it just isn’t that easy. You are already entwined with them. It’s hard to untangle yourself emotionally and financially no matter how long you’ve been together. It’s hard to let go of a dream, even if you eventually learn it was one-sided.

  3. One other thing — I referred to our farm, but it was his farm, he bought it before we were married, and he never saw any need for my name to be on the deed. That meant he made lots of decisions about the place and never asked my opinion, and he didn’t want me making any changes, even cosmetic changes, to “his” house. More sociopathic behavior, I’d say!

  4. Based on this post my first husband was a sociopath. Ive thought of him as a narcissist but maybe he is a sociopath too. The heading to this post immediately made me think of this experience with my ex- husband: He worked outdoors for his career and on our farm and at some point in the marriage he quit taking showers at the end of a long day. He literally had twigs and dust in his hair sometimes from working in the woods, and when he got up in the morning there would be little bits of leaves and a smudge of dirt on the pillow. When I told him it didn’t seem good for him, me or the laundry for him to go to bed so dirty he, of course, made it about me. He said I was as too picky, not understanding about the work he did, people took too many baths and no longer accepted good, honest sweat, and so on. Now he did this work before we married and always showered, and he had showered for the first few years of marriage, so this change was not about me being too picky. It was one of dozens of things he did, some right after the wedding, some coming later, to put more distance between us. I mean, our sex life definitely stalled out when he came to bed looking and smelling like Sasquatch. So yes, I think I had a sociopath in my bed!

    1. You’re among many. One in 25 is a high number. Everyone probably knows someone who is a sociopath and just don’t know it. From what I have been reading, unless you’re married to one, they hide pretty well in business, etc. They know how to put on that mask when they need to.

  5. I think there are many women out there who suffer in the same situation you describe. They won’t comment because to comment is to acknowledge the problem and to acknowledge the problem is to be faced with the awful question of “what am I going to do about it”. When one is managing just to keep oneself functional , the thought of taking on further emotional, economic and social burden seems impossible. The knowledge that one dealing with someone who will use any means, legal or illegal, to “win” and will not stop even after the situation has progressed far beyond the bounds of common logic simply reinforces the feeling of hopelessness and fear or that the repercussions will be too great to survive.
    It seems unconscionable that social services and the law does not offer a defined pathway for these victims to follow.

    1. I remember calling a women’s hotline once. She said to me: “Well, what is it you think I can do?” Or something to that effect. I never called again. I didn’t know what to do and needed guidance.

    1. I will! I didn’t want anyone to think that Christmas has slipped my mind. But to me this is SO much more important than holiday decor. Please email me if you’d like.

  6. They are controlling and even seven years later my ex reaches out on my birthday or just to try and reel me back in. Not that he wants me, he just can’t stand to lose. So grateful to have escaped with my sanity. Married 33 years.

    1. Exactly what a sociopath does. Even if they don’t really want you, they have ulterior motives. They will do anything in order not to lose. I’m so glad you escaped with your sanity. Many do not. I write these posts, rather than the merry Christmas posts many are writing now, because I know there are so many women out there for which Christmas will just be another day to fear and to get through.

  7. Such an interesting post. I hope this gives even just one woman the strength to leave and know she can come out in the other side.

  8. What a powerful post you wrote today. I think my first husband was borderline sociopath. But I was born with a strong backbone and was determined to remove myself from a man who was so controlling. Luckily he was only ‘borderline’ and I received half the savings and half the profit on the house sale so I was good. But in the almost 30 years since we have been divorced I have only talked to him a handful of times, even though we share 2 children. I wish your readers who are in such bad marriages could see a way out. It is heartbreaking that women are put in so much jeopardy and have all their freedom taken away, living constantly in fear. So glad that you were able to walk away with your self esteem and sense of worth still in place. Maybe you can publish the information about shelters and help for victims of abuse, physical and mental. I believe you have done that before. I hope that your post helps just one person find peace.

    1. Great idea! I shall look up resources for women in these circumstances and put it her on this blog. I also feel terrible for these women who have lived their lives in limbo, just waiting to be alone in order to really live. It is awful.

  9. How alarming about how many sociopaths there are out there right now. I also just heard the statistics on how many serial killers are lurking out there. These numbers are alarming. You just want to shut the door and lock and it never come out!!!!!
    Kris

  10. This is so true. I have lived in a marriage like this for 51 years. He threatened me and our children if I even thought about leaving. I knew from the look in his eyes that he would do it. He made sure that if I had a friend he would sleep with her making it so that I had no friends, no family because he moved us five hundred miles away from my family. He spent what extra money we had on whatever he wanted , not what we needed . My children are gone now and will not visit him and he still thinks he was a great father . He was not home to do anything with them. I kept my children and I alive but that is it. I’m just waiting until he is no longer warm then I will be able to have a life. Loving Jesus is the only thing that got me through

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