All my life it seems I was searching for something. Turning over every rock looking for it.
I just didn’t have the wherewithal to see my own worth.
Come to find out, after decades of searching, I found that what I was searching for was within me all along.
I was stronger and more resilient than I thought.
Closing The Door Behind Me:
When no one lifts you up when you’re young and shows your measure by the depth of love in their eyes, you go out into the world thinking you’re unworthy.
Without confidence in yourself, you get tossed about the world like debris in the wind.
When I finally struck out on my own I can’t say I felt steady on my feet. I was ambivalent about closing the door, finally, behind me.
Because then there would be no clawing my way back to that desperate place that at least was familiar to me.
“Women don’t endure simply because we can. No, women endure because we aren’t given any other choice. They wanted us weak but forced us to be strong.” ― Amanda Lovelace
It’s About Control:
I can’t say it was an epiphany to realize I already had within me what I’d been searching for all along. It came over weeks and months of no one whispering doubt in my ear.
I understood, finally, that it is about control. The firmness and tenacity of the hand that’s holding you down.
To see someone rise up and lean into the sun threatens them.
“Even to me the issue of “stay small, sweet, quiet, and modest” sounds like an outdated problem, but the truth is that women still run into those demands whenever we find and use our voices.” ― Brené Brown
Reaching Toward The Sun:
To leave the dark and find the light is so hard to do when you’ve never given yourself credit for much of anything. When you feel that you’ve failed at everything, and excelled at nothing.
But like a little weed among taller weeds, I reached up toward the sun.
I jostled the other weeds aside and leaned into that light.
It felt so warm on my face, like someone who loved me was caressing it.
“It is amazing what a woman can do if only she ignores what men tell her she can’t.” ― Carol K. Carr, India Black
Learning To Love Yourself:
What I found is that you have to love yourself. No one else can fulfill that starving need within you. It must come from within.
And if anyone out there finds themselves in this place, know that if I can do it, you can too. I write this to remind you of your worth if you happen to be in a place where you doubt its existence.
I want other women, if they see this in themselves, to have hope. To hold on tight and not let go.
The lifeline you are desperately reaching for is not outside, but inside.
You too can rise up and lean into the sun. The path is there.
“Women saw everything, and they thought about everything. The result was wisdom. For men, this was a frightening state of affairs, which is why they insist on holding on to power.” ― Tamar Myers, The Witch Doctor’s Wife