There are so many life changes. For instance, falling in and out of love.
There is losing the old to death and welcoming the new to life. More life changes.
The one thing you can surely count on in life is change.
When Someone Dies:
When someone you love dies, at first you are in shock. And then you begin to let go of them, a little bit at a time.
For that is how you survive.
When my dog Pepper died in 2006, I didn’t think I’d ever stop crying. And then on the heels of that death, my best friend died too.
I fought the losses and raged at the world. Because I didn’t know how I could bear losing both of them so close together.
Just after my friend died, I found out my then-husband was keeping many secrets from me. That was yet another shock.
Living With Someone:
When you live with someone, see them every day, you don’t imagine that they might have a whole other life separate from you.
That too is a form of death. The death of trust. It is a bitter pill to swallow.
I cried till I’d grieved it through. Wrung the rag dry.
People meet and fall in love all the time. They think it will be forever.
That feeling is so joyous it fills them up. It carries them like a buoyant balloon, light as air.
Falling Out Of Love:
But then people fall out of love too. And that is a whole different kind of loss.
You look at that person you fell so hard for, and they look the same. But somehow, in your heart of hearts, they are not the same to you any longer.
You want to walk back through the years, step by step. Following the trail until you find that deep as a river love just beyond a curve in the road.
You loved them once. They said they loved you.
It was everything you ever wanted. And then it just faded away. Like twilight fades into nightfall.
The Bell Has Wrung:
You can’t bring it back. It is a bell that has already rung, and everyone knows you can’t unring a bell.
These things, you cannot stop them from happening. Just part of life.
Sometimes I think I survived the war, just to lose myself in the shadows.
Last week I finally got in to see a doctor. We talked about my ankle. He said that what happened to me was a freakish accident.
The doctor said they usually see these types of injuries when someone falls out of a window from two or three stories. Or is in a bad car accident.
He told me I’d probably be wearing a brace on my ankle for the rest of my life. That these things heal. But the damage is done.
That old familiar rock came up in my throat. I didn’t want to hear anymore. What I wanted was to go back to July 8, 2012, and start the day over again.
Somehow I remember so much about that day.
I remember I glimpsed something purple outside the kitchen window from the corner of my eye.
It turned out to be the first morning glory bloom of the summer. I grabbed my camera and started out the back door.
When Everything Changed:
It was the moment before everything changed. With my camera around my neck, I started down the porch steps. I took about two steps and fell.
It all seemed to happen in slow motion. The pain was immediate and it took my breath away.
There was no one around to help me. I had no idea I’d broken both sides of my right ankle.
Sure, I know it could be much worse. It isn’t the end of the world. There are people who have so much more to bear.
What I Now Miss:
What I miss is taking my camera and walking blocks and blocks. In every direction. Finding things to photograph.
Seeing little rabbits run under houses. Mourning doves landing right in front of me and walking their funny little walk.
I’m still planning on walking around that block I’ve talked about for so long. Maybe not now. And maybe not tomorrow.
But I will see the sun set from another angle once more. I will talk to neighbors in their yards again.
The Second Winter After It Happened:
This is the second winter, and the wind is blowing the now bare branches to and fro. The sky has been a purplish-pink all day.
Brown leaves, they have given up clinging to the trees and are blowing around in the Oklahoma wind. Dusk is settling in. Soon it will be dark.
“If nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies” – Author Unknown