27 Comments

  1. It’s such a tough situation. Before I got to the end of your post, I thought probably the driving factor in your concern is your girls. And, you’re a caring person, most of all.

  2. Maybe if he were local you could find a way to be kindred parents to your girls? I can’t imagine, but you are so perspective and thoughtful. Would you be able to visit, converse…did you share commonalities while married? Must have been ok in the beginning? You are such a good writer, I see a novel, fictionalized version of your lives where you become … not friends, but tolerant interested people. My mind is being impractical. 😍🥰

  3. Brenda you are kind and compassionate and that is what this world lacks the most right now. Please stay that way always. You have a past w this person good or bad, and you are helping your daughters navigate a senior health/medical system which is beyond complicated these days. No other explanations are needed and I believe that your kindness will be gratefully accepted.

  4. my mother-in-law had hip replacement at 78 years old and did very well. she spent two weeks in rehab and then went home. but she did have her husband and other family next door. I hope your ex does well.

  5. “We’re talking about a man who has a Ph.D and taught psychology, but didn’t like the idea of antidepressants.”

    I don’t understand this thinking either, although I’ve encountered it a lot from people when I was open about my own personal struggles. People used to make the most demeaning comments. I suffered very serious clinical depression and antidepressants helped me along with talk therapy. I think it literally saved my life as well. I especially don’t understand this type of thinking from someone who taught psychology who didn’t like the idea of meds.

    “My ex-husband is stubborn about these drugs for some reason I’ve never quite figured out. And yet he is also the most depressed person I’ve ever known.”

    My mother is/was the same kind of stubborn. She suffered from depression–I think most of my life, although she would deny it and demonstrated little empathy towards my own struggles. She refused to seek help or even consider it and it unfortunately turned into a full blown psychosis. I had no idea that could happen with depression, but in her case it did. I did everything that I could to try to help her. It’s an emotionally painful experience to talk about as I basically lost my mother to mental illness.

  6. That pic through the old window, and the path through the forest tugged at my heartstrings ~

    1. Well, I didn’t take that photo. But I thought it was certainly beautiful. I get them free with my photo editing software.

  7. I would not be surprised to hear you have feelings with all that is going on. You had your two beautiful daughters together so that will be something you will. always have from each other.
    I hope if he does go into assisted living they can find a good place for him close to them so they can check in on him.

    1. I had feelings for him once, a long time ago. And I felt a connection with his mother later down the line.

  8. Wow. What a powerful post. You are kind and compassionate.

    1. I just couldn’t stand watching her and listening to her, knowing she could not speak and was alone, for all intents and purposes.

  9. Brenda, you have such a large and giving heart. It’s a pleasure to “know” you, dear lady! Don’t ever change!
    It never occurred to me that we are forever connected to our children’s other parent, whether we like it or not.
    Enjoy your Friday, Brenda!

  10. You will always be connected to your children’s father emotionally.
    Medications for people with learning disorders has changed. Psychologist can not prescribe them. Psychiatrists can.

    1. Which I suppose is why this is so important to me. And they might be making a decision about me someday, so I want to see how they handle this!

  11. What a kind thing you did, Brenda…holding your former mil while she died. Beyond any expectation. You know, aren’t you mostly doing research FOR your daughters, to help them in helping him?? That looks like you are just trying to help make this decision less problemic for your daughters. And we often do kindnesses for total strangers. It is a good thing to do.

    1. I guess you’re right about trying to help my daughters. Also, being older and not really mobile myself, I’m trying to put myself in his shoes. And my daughters are healthy and I don’t know that they can process where his mind his. Usually you go into assisted living, I would think, you never leave it.

    2. I have found my advise is more accepted when people ask for it. Once I read that older women in an Indian tribe who were accepted by the braves waited until they were asked to give opinions.
      It is difficult for me now that I am older and have had more experiences to share.

      1. I know this is true. But this decision was too important to me to stay out of. I want them to have looked at all the angles and truly make the right decision. And I’m sure they will.

  12. Don’t post this but just a heads up. One of the ads that Is on your blog is for sex toys and lubes. It’s a company called “ Adam and Eve” I doubt that is the kind of ad you want on your blog! Lol

    Best wishes

    1. I’ll get with the ad company right now. Nothing remotely like that is on the list of ads I approved a long time ago. Thanks for letting me know.

  13. Being near to someone who is vulnerable like your ex and also when your MIL passed is the sign of a generous person with a giving heart so Brenda don’t change or feel like you are butting in. There needs more kindness shown to those who are in unfortunate situations without judgement. We aren’t walking in their shoes to know what they endured in life just as many would not know what you experienced at an early age. I believe it makes you more understanding of older peoples needs growing up with grandparents. Thank you for sharing what your daughters are dealing with the next few weeks as most of us have been down this road trying to make someone move or go into a place that provides better care.

    1. I was just thinking this morning that I’ve always been worried about older people because I grew up with them and always respected them.

  14. Brenda, you are a sympathetic, empathetic person. You had two children with your ex-husband, and it’s natural to feel some empathy for someone you did share a monumental portion of your life with, resulting in two of your most cherished accomplishments on this earth. It doesn’t matter if it’s appreciated or reciprocated in any way – you are being authentically you.. a caring soul. Your daughters will appreciate that you were kind to their father regardless of past history. He will always be their father and that alone is enough reason. Wishing you all the best as you each navigate difficult waters.

    1. I just want to ensure that they are thinking this through for the greater good here. I don’t want them to take someone’s advice who doesn’t even know him and not explore all avenues of aging in place care. Aging in place would be what he would want. I just don’t know if it’s possible.

  15. I’m glad you are able to enjoy the comfort that your behavior at your MILs death bed brings you. I wonder if her sons have any remorse, but I doubt it. Heartless!

    1. I don’t know. I recall calling out to them once she passed. Because I didn’t leave that hospice bed until my daughters had arrived from Tulsa, 90 miles away. Because her youngest son was in a hurry to call and have them come take her to the funeral home. And I told him that was not happening until the girls arrived. I wanted them to see her in her home, the only home they’d ever known her to live in, and not the funeral home. So I laid there with her for several hours just so he couldn’t derail that.

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