Yesterday I was sitting in a waiting room waiting to be called for the ultrasound. Next to me was an elderly couple, probably in their late seventies.
The woman was obviously having tests done. When she sat down to do the intake process, the husband stood and hovered over her for a bit, then sat back down.
What I found interesting was that when she was asked certain questions, she’d turn around to the husband and say: “What do you want to do?”
He’d tell her. And she’d repeat his words.
I asked myself if I’d ever done that when married. I don’t think so. But I do recall the feeling of needing to keep the husband kind of involved when he was sitting in a waiting room with me.
When I look back on that now, I feel kind of tired. Seems to me that always having to think of that other person was a distraction, as I’ve never been good with chit-chat.
I think now I should probably have never married. I should have just gone to college and bought myself a house for me and my pets and lived a quiet life gardening and reading and doing what I do now.
I thought when I got married at age 20 that I was finally beginning my life as a real “family.” And at the time that was extremely important to me.
I’d lived a childhood where I was not much like other kids. My great-grandmother’s notions were a far cry from the young parents of other children I knew.
And you know how it is, when you’re young you just want to look like everyone else and not stand out. But I probably stood out anyway. I was kind of an old person living in a child’s body.
I didn’t like raucous children play and noise. I preferred to be in a quiet place reading a book.
So here I am, finally living by myself with my pets,. I garden and read and live my quiet ordinary life. I know now without a doubt that this is the life for me.
I find it far more appealing to sleep with two snoring dogs than one snoring husband. I am much more at peace with myself. The anxiety of feeling that I need to be part of a couple is long gone.
So why oh why did I try so hard to fit myself into that “wife” role when in reality it felt so terribly awkward?
If someone was to ask me why I got married, I guess I’d say that family meant getting married and having children and…
Well, I never filled in the blanks. Family back then meant children and I didn’t ponder life after that.
In reality, how many of us ever thought about life after children?
If I’d been sitting there waiting with a husband in tow, I’d have felt like I needed to converse here and there to be polite.
But to tell you the honest truth, I’d have probably been a “chit-chit” away from complete and utter boredom.
Because I prefer to sit quietly and people watch.
I stared at some object in the distance because that’s the polite thing to do. But I was aware of everything going on around me.
As I drove home after the test, I truly enjoyed the abundance of gorgeous fall leaves on the trees. It’s prettier this year than I recall the past few years.
I enjoyed watching the leaves floating in the wind and spiraling to the ground as I sat at streetlights.
And you know what I was thinking? That I don’t recall enjoying the fall leaves as much when I was sitting in a car with a husband beside me.
I was thinking that I’m just as happy as a pig in mud being single and unfettered and watching everything around me.
Note: I got a call late yesterday that they had the results of my ultrasound. I have a cyst on my right ovary. It is a fatty cyst, so should not be problematic unless I’m in great pain.
I’ve had virtually no pain for two days. They said I should get more exercise and work on my diet, which I’m already doing. So I will see how it goes.