Seeking Peace
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I’ve been seeking peace during these spring months. Somewhere, my mind can settle down and find a tranquil place to land.
I love the sight, scent, and sound of rain.
I’ve always loved the sound of thunder and rain. But now there is a bit of trepidation when hearing those first claps of thunder.
I wonder if the rain will seep beyond the doors and bleed into what I used to think of as my peaceful home.
So I hope this feeling of apprehension eventually sets sail and leaves the shoreline. Because at some point, I’d like to get that feeling back.
Sometimes I’ll just be sitting here working and realize that tears are rolling down my face. I seem to be in a steady state of alertness, wondering what will happen next.
I’ve always landed on my feet, and I know I will again. I’m just sad that life is more cruel than I anticipated. I guess I thought at my age I’d seen it all. And yet I obviously hadn’t.
When I go out and piddle with my garden containers, I can’t seem to summon up the joy I usually feel when working with plants. Something is missing.
Do you think sadness colors the world? Does it take some of the color out and dim the lights a bit? At least for a while?
Sadness can’t be a perpetual condition. It has to be dialed back, or we’d never survive it.
Recovering:
I know down to the hour when I’m beginning to recover from a blow.
It is when the words flow into my head and won’t leave. They’ll repeat themselves over and over, begging me to listen and write them down. Like a steady drumbeat, they’ll replay like a broken record.
I eventually reach for a laptop, a tablet, or a somewhat crushed paper napkin in the car. And I’ll write them down.
After I commit them to paper, I can breathe a sigh of relief. Because then I know I will survive whatever has crushed me. I will move on.
“One day, a train will come to your station and take you to the place you’ve always dreamed of. And then you will see that the place you dreamed of is a complete disappointment for you. And then you will remember the beauties you did not appreciate of the station you left and want to return there. To the place you did not include in your dreams back then. – Mehmet Murat ildan
I always sleep well after I write down and work through my confusing thoughts. As though I’ve torn through the cobwebs and can now see things more clearly.
There have been times when what serves as memory leaves me like a breeze sweeps in and takes me away for a time.
Trying To Remember:
I’ve tried many times to remember a long-ago day. To summon up whatever it was that triggered my brain to flip the switch as I was driving through Texas.
My brain picked up something I wasn’t conscious of. A sight, sound, or scent. And it protected me from that memory for two hours.
I came back to myself in a flash. And suddenly I was conscious and aware.
The first thing I saw was tall trees on either side of the road. They were so tall they nearly obliterated the sky.
Dissociative Fugue Definition: A dissociative fugue is a dissociative disorder characterized by memory loss and wandering. It leaves the person in an unfamiliar setting with no memory of how they got there.
To this day, I don’t know what activated that episode. Whatever it was, my conscious brain won’t let me sift through events to find it.
It’s been 18 years now, so I doubt the memory will explain itself.
Many things have happened in my life, and I’ve always made it to the other side. Not always unscathed. Sometimes a little dinged around the edges. But the world always turns, and a new day arrives.
You learn that the world can be a cruel and heartless place sometimes. Not everyone operates with kindness or respect.
I think their heart may be damaged in a way that makes them act so unsympathetically. Something that makes them want to disparage others.
There is no such thing as universal goodwill.
What I Wrote About Long Ago:
There was a time when I wrote about cruel and heartless crimes. About men who steal random children and never bring them back.
The more vulnerable and scared the girls are, the better. Because these individuals feed on fear.
There can’t possibly be any compassion in their souls. They are manipulative, calculating people with little to no conscience. Perhaps they’re just wired differently than you and me.
I wonder: Are we born with an innate moral compass? Or is it something we develop as we grow?
Whether humans are born good or evil has long been debated by philosophers. Aristotle argued that morality is learned, and that we’re born as “amoral creatures”.
Sigmund Freud considered newborns a moral blank slate.
Martin Luther King, Jr. said that we must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.
I don’t think people are intrinsically evil. Sometimes they just do bad things.
We have to keep that at the forefront of our minds. Or else the world tilts on its axis and throws us into a sea of endless despair.
Hi Brenda, so sorry about your recent woes and that horrible manager. How awful that she wields such power over tenants and subjectively treats you with such distaste. Hoping for better days in your cosy little house.
I enjoy reading your past posts also, but recently I noticed that that none of your posts have dates anymore. Wondering if this a mistake or intentional?
Just saw this article, Brenda…maybe something in this man’s story will help you with some of your pain physically anyway:https://www.msn.com/en-us/health/medical/i-was-in-horrific-pain-for-decades-in-six-weeks-my-life-changed/ar-AA1dCIxv?ocid=mailsignout&pc=U591&cvid=51fb46367531427d90dac1c8ef967b67&ei=22
Having dealt with a very narcissistic family that tried to ruin me and my daughter, it’s difficult when I’m in toxic situations. I see it. Your apt administration is toxic and that bleeds into your peace. I would remove myself. Life is way too short and the older I get the more I guard my peace and my loves. I also think the surrounding people are good, but your particular apt isn’t conducive to your personal love of gardening. It’s too uneven, too shady and while you’re trying to make do, it’s killing your peace. Between those two things – you may have to just cut the losses and move on. And why not? Time is short. Are people crappy? Absolutely. As I always say, shocked, not shocked. But you don’t have to live in it! And with your apt admins, you are living in it. Cut the losses, find your loves and move on I say!!! The latter parts of life should be enjoyed and guarded.
Brenda,When it rains it pours!!! I can relate to your posts especially today. I am not on social media but I read your posts and I like them. I had a troubled child and escaped to a horrific marriage and had two beautiful children as a result of my exhusbands actions he is responsible for my my younger sond death and my older one hasn’t spoke to me in 20 years as a result of his lies .I still have that fear of what they are both capable of and things they did to me. I try to move forward but my new husband is going down mentally and physically we have such a small home in the woods .Its always cold and just so isolated.Its just us and our fur babies. On April 25 2024 my only sister died from pancreatic cancer. I stopped working to care for my husband and i just wish there was more Free programs to help singles seniors and not just for immigrants and low income families. It’s hard to handle it all alone. Brenda your blessed with your words to help others out there and let’s hope the sun will shine .God Bless Linda
Brenda,
did you write all of these posts today? I can commiserate with you about rain and windstorms. I live in the Pacific Northwest and I am cleaning up the wreckage of my beloved greenhouse and one of three hen houses. My best apple tree broke apart and the wind pushed it into the greenhouse. None of my chickens were hurt. I used the small hen house as a nursery to integrate the chicks with the adults; to avoid bullying. Now I am a weather hawk. Any big storms forecasted make me nervous!
At my age now, I seem to have more questions than I ever did. I do think we are living in a very difficult time. Yes, there are good people, but we may not find them as often as we might like. I also think some people are so evil, that IF they indeed had a soul, it has gone. They are simply a body without compassion, conscience, loyalty nore kindness. That is who my daughter’s EX is now…maybe always was and we never saw it till a few years ago. Because a mistake is one thing, but a planned evil deed against another is something else. I believe if he had a soul, he no longer does. He used to tell my daughter he felt empty inside always. And he has well proven his point. Sadly. I personally am confident that there is yet a much better world and life awaiting and it may be at the doorstep…so many others seem to think so and I so hope they are right. I have been shown the other side 2 times in my life…both times I was in the depths of dispair. So if you are in such a state, do keep your “eyes” and ears open…you may be shown something wonderful to indeed look forward to. I did not ask to be shown a thing. It just happened. And my heart was so healed from its pain and much hope entered in its stead. I think the ideas presented here are good ones, Brenda…at least while you are still in this location and the storms are so bad. Looks like all of us in the South may take some beatings this summer in the weather. Better to sandbag etc and save your belongings so much as you can. Mold inside can be near impossible to get rid of, so very important to protect yourself!! And Ivy, if you cannot protect yourself…you can sometimes leave…she cannot and mold is bad for animals too.
There are several ways to prevent flood water from coming in and around a door. I don’t think sandbags are practical for you. The other is caulking around the door or windows. Caulk between the door and the frame are pretty effective. There are soft caulks that could be easily removed after the threat of flood is gone. Even duct tape can seal a door. You could seal it from inside, and ask someome to tape the frame/door borders from the outside. I know that would be inconvenient, but I think it would be better than dealing with another flood.
Brenda,
I believe there is good and bad, those with morals and decency and those without. We’ve all met both kinds if we live long enough. It hurts us when people are cruel and meanspirited towards us. Those kinds of people are usually that way with others too. Please remember, it is not a reflection of you, but of who they are inside. You are worthy of peace in your home and of the joy your flowers bring to you. You have many who read your blog and care for you. Reading your words and seeing your pictures brings joy to my life. Thank you.
I too am going through a bad time, including an E-2 tornado that ripped through my town May 10. I would chose a tornado over the divorce I’m suffering through right now. Your post touched me and was so relatable that I copied down some of the quotations. So know you helped someone today, and I hope that knowledge lightens your load.
Marie, Sending you wishes for a quick journey to peace and happiness!
Such powerful thought provoking words. I don’t understand anyone being unkind to anyone or anything. Wishing Brenda and all her readers peace and joy.
Brenda, the world is a cruel place but you cannot let it get you down. YOU have survived so much worse than this and come out the other side to find happiness.
You are in my prayers. And the people that are cold heartless and abusive to you and all of those around you will answer to someone higher than ourselves some day.