I am sitting here with Charlie listening to “Peaceful Piano” by Paul Cardall. I had never heard of him before a few days ago. But I found his music online, listened to it, and ordered the CD.

Yes, there are digital ways to listen to music these days. But this is the way I left off listening to music long ago and the way I’m picking it back up now. Like a thread that needs to join up to a seam and be knotted.

Melodies:

The soft music flowing through the speakers of the CD player is so relaxing that my mind drifts. Back, way back, to other times.

So many years I didn’t want to hear music. I needed silence. To collect my thoughts and explain them to myself. And then find a way to let them go.

How something happened and what we did then and what we perhaps should have done differently is how we gain insight.

I suppose my brain isn’t quite ready to move past all the memories, even if I want to let them slip away.

Where I Have Lived & Left:

I have lived in so many houses. Loved gardens I created and then walked away from. It’s hard to leave things behind that we love. That we know we’ll never see again. And that we’ll hold in our memory, a fragile object that we take with us down a lonely road.

I’ve said goodbye to so many places. So many houses that I lovingly fixed up and decorated with my heart filled with such hope for the future.

There is one particular house, an old two story house built around 1900, that I lived in 20 years ago.

I remember the way the sunlight came through the front window. And when it snowed, I’d sit on the couch and the light shining through would be almost blinding. The crystals of the snow would light up like diamonds.

It was such a beautiful old house, but I only lived there a few years. All that hard work and I had to walk away from it.

Feeling So Lucky:

I’d first walked into that house in disbelief. I couldn’t imagine how I’d come to live in such a grand old house.

But the memories there are like shards of glass. If you placed a finger on the pulse of the atmosphere you would come away with blood on your hands.

When I left that house I took with me the sadness of how things turned out. I had to let go of the dreams I’d had that my future grandchildren would run up and down those stairs.

Inside those old walls were whispers of the past.

Spirits:

That house had at one time been a doctor’s office and his patients would come there to see him.

They walked up the front steps to the big porch. Entered the grandeur of an old house that had stood resolute in the best and worst of times.

I wonder if the doctor had rocking chairs on that front porch like I did? To sit and rock and watch the sun set. To greet neighbors walking past.

Just Going Where It Leads Me:

Oh, how do I drift so far off my original topic, I always ask myself. I rarely intend to write what I end up writing. It is like a script has already been written and I just follow the lines where they take me.

There is probably a reason this happens that I’m unaware of. A necessary recalling of other times. Something that, for some reason unknown to me, just needs to be remembered.

I learned a long time ago not to struggle against it. Those memories light a path for me to follow. And so I follow it.

“We leave something of ourselves behind when we leave a place, we stay there, even though we go away. And there are things in us that we can find again only by going back there.”

― Pascal Mercier, Night Train to Lisbon

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18 Comments

  1. Originally from Northern Ireland, my mother enjoys soft Irish instrumentals. She played it when my son was a baby to put him to sleep. You might like it. Soothing and sort of ethereal.

  2. Your post brought tears and memories flooding back. Now I long to read the rest of the story. You have such a talent for words and writing. I would love to be able to sit and talk at length with you. Our lives are so similar. I hope you , Charlie, and Ivy have a wonderful Christmas!

  3. Thanks for this post that has so much in it that I can identify with. There have been times when I couldn’t listen to music because it caused me pain rather than enjoyment. I have a lot of sad memories related to past homes where hopes and dreams didn’t come to pass. But now I live in a little 1950 kit house, and we sometimes play some Cajun music in the tiny kitchen while making breakfast. While we are not happy with some things about this particular home and its location, we are so grateful to have this place in which to be warm and dry. Regarding your memory of the house where the doctor had lived, it caused me to remember my own visits as a child to a doctor who had his office in his home. The house was a big white frame structure with a covered front porch in a little river town in southern Ohio. It probably was built in the early 1900s. The office had a Victorian air, with its high white ceilings and walls and very dark woodwork, with transoms over the doors. I was fascinated with the big glass jars holding cotton balls and tongue depressors. They looked a bit like jars of candy and I yearned to stick my hands inside and squeeze the contents. But I knew my mother would have yanked my arms and spanked me right then and there! I remember sitting on a table while the kind old doctor with the wrinkled forehead gave me the smallpox vaccination in my left arm. I did not feel afraid and didn’t cry. I trusted the old doctor. Wouldn’t it have been great if such old doctors had been able to give us a shot to boost our emotional strength for what we’d be faced with over the years? But I guess we were supposed to go through the tough times and develop such strength with each new challenge, just as you have done, Brenda.

  4. I just asked Alexa to play the music you mention. It’s very soothing. You might enjoy an inexpensive alexa echo, just ask it to play anything. You can also use alexa on fire stick tv. My echo on sale was under 20$. I even use it as a sound machine to play ocean or rain effects.
    Thank you for the beautiful words today.

  5. I’m speechless. Please pass this post to the papers and publishers. Oh how I wish I could put my mind into words. Music music music. That’s my getting out of my head. It soothes me. Please make these words move people. One of these days I’m going to run into you🥸😎

    1. I wrote one long ago but I don’t know what I did with it. I really prefer to write short little essay type daily posts rather than commit to something that intensive.

      1. I LOVE Paul Carnell and listen to New Life; another instrumental album I really enjoy is Awakenings by David Nevu. Beautiful sounds to quiet your mind.

  6. George Winston’s album “Winter” is a favorite of mine. You might also like Liz Story, another pianist I like listening to. You have inspired me to start listening to music again. Thanks!

  7. Such a soothing post as always. You amaze me with your written words. Wish I could have studied English under you. Enjoy your day. We are so far behind here. We’ve had power outages 3x since T Day and we really lost our steam for decorating. Plus you can’t have anybody over. It feels like Why Bother!! But I am putting a few things out. Plus today we have wind warnings for Wednesday and Thursday. The bad thing is often even tho the wind stops they don’t restore power for 12 hrs. Ticks us off. Enough of it this grumpy old elf⛄️🎄

  8. I think we are in our 29th place now…most we lived in only a few years and a couple just a month or 2 inbetween others…but 2 of them were in such awesome spots…only 20 months in each one of those 2. One at the snow line in the mountains and one beside one of the major rivers of Washington state. Places we could not have dreamed of living. The houses were not spectacular, but the locations surely were. Saw wildlife up close we had never seen elsewhere. Made wonderful memories in both places and a lot of folks came to stay for visits in both places. Everyone said that it was the best sleep they ever had because they were in quiet places!! Everyone should have at least one chance to live for a time in a super quiet peaceful place!!
    Music is healing…need to listen to more myself…thanks for keeping us up on what you find!

  9. It is amazing how certain music is so soothing and lets our minds wander to a place of peace and reflection. I love playing Enya and new age music. I even found a new age Christmas music station on Alexa. Love having music all day. Have a peaceful Sunday.

  10. I’m glad you are enjoying soothing music. You might like George Winston piano, and I’ve enjoyed the music of Enya for decades now. Her first songs were her best imo. Also Celestial Soda Pop album is a lovely upbeat album.

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