Things happen, and then there are sometimes subsequent things that happen to create that icing-on-the-cake kind of feeling.
Like one too many things happened to tip the scales.
The one that causes you to lapse into inertia.
Plants From The Nursery:
The pots of hostas and coral bells are still sitting where I placed them on the patio day before yesterday.
Normally I’m anxious to get things planted. But I just go out and look at them and feel tired and a bit overwhelmed.
If all this wasn’t going on with my ankle and hip, I believe I would be moving forward at a faster pace. I would be able to think and plan and design.
But pain dulls everything, I’ve learned. Have you noticed that? It makes you feel dull and de-energized.
I thought if I purchased the plants just taking them home would make me feel better. Lighter.
I remember what true depression feels like. It is the worst feeling I have ever had.
Since I went on antidepressants at age 26, the depression has always been kept at bay. Like I was placed inside an impenetrable fence where it couldn’t reach me.
I’ve felt down, sure, but something always catches me and lifts me back up to safety before I’ve fallen too far.
I’ve felt sadness, but not that tip-of-the-iceberg despondent feeling that scrambles your thoughts and confuses you.
Medication For Depression:
With the medication I take, I might stumble, but there is a cushion to soften my landing.
I’m not advocating antidepressants for everyone who feels sad. It might not work for you as it’s worked for me. I’m certainly not a clinician or expert.
For me, it’s like a safety vest. It helps to keep me afloat.
I remember clear as day when I felt the medication working and lifting me out of the abyss.
Oddly enough, I was at the grocery store waiting for the cashier to ring up my purchases.
I’ll never forget it. It was as though someone suddenly turned on the lights. Like a miracle had just given me hope.
I stopped having those intrusive thoughts about death.
The month of April has been a detonating force that became even more complicated this time around.
But this too shall pass. It always does. It’s just getting there that’s hard.
But I will get there. My emotions will level out. Life will seem more balanced and enjoyable again.
That Icing On The Cake Kind Of Feeling:
Social situations, situations where there’s a crowd of people, are always kind of difficult for me.
It’s hard for me to read people. I can’t look at someone’s face and know what their expression means. A person’s body language does not clue me in on what to do next.
Sometimes it feels as though pain is an inconvenience to those around me. A social faux pas of sorts. Something you could manage to hide if only you were stronger.
My hope is that whatever demons might be chasing you on this spring day, you manage to outrun them and get back to a safe place. Open the gate and get back inside that impenetrable fence of protection.
The tide will turn. I’ll join you there.
And springtime will feel like the joyous event that it is.