Thinking Of The Future

Yesterday I had nerve pain along with ankle pain, which led to me thinking about the future.

I began retaking Gabapentin to try to alleviate some of the nerve pain.

Pain has ruled about 10 years of my life and I can’t bear the thought of more. The pain even woke me up last night when I was sleeping.

A few days ago this wasn’t happening.

This morning I began to look at motorized wheelchairs online. Our doors are narrow here, so it might be a problem.

It occurred to me when I woke up that I have to look toward the future, whatever that may be. I have to take some of my power back.


Last night when I got out of the shower Ivy was not in her usual sleeping spot on the table next to my bed.

I began watching TV, but I kept calling out for her. She didn’t materialize.

I tried putting cat treats out and they went uneaten. And she loves those cat treats.

After several hours of not finding Ivy, I was beginning to get frantic. In the back of my mind was the chilling memory of finding little Gracie dead that night some months ago.

I kept getting on my knee scooter to look behind all the curtains in my apartment to see if Ivy was watching critters.

Why wasn’t she responding, I wondered. Ivy will generally react if I’m calling out to her.

I rode the knee scooter round and round looking everywhere.

I’d read somewhere that animals will sometimes go off by themselves to die. Of course, these thoughts were premature. But my mind was racing ahead to all the dire possibilities after losing Gracie and never knowing why.

Where I Finally Found Ivy:

Finally, finally, I found her in a corner chair in the darkness of my office. I felt such relief. She stared at me as I petted her and told her how frightened I was.

I’d gone in there looking for her several times. But Ivy never wants to spend time in my office. So I didn’t look in the corner along the wall where you enter the room.

Ivy still would not come into the bedroom and that is very strange behavior from her. I have to wonder if she is reacting to my pain and anxiety.

So that’s why this morning I got up and began looking online at motorized wheelchairs. I have to look toward the future and be proactive about my life.

It’s up to me to determine my quality of life. My hands hurt and it’s hard to hold onto the handles of the knee scooter or the walker. So there’s that as well.

So if I have to do that, I will. I’ll figure out a way. Maybe they make narrow wheelchairs.

Always Hoping:

In the past, with this injury, I just chugged along hoping to find a doctor who could find a way to fix my ankle.

The doctor told me himself that this surgery might make no difference, and that I should keep that in mind. So there’s that.

But if the pain is still there and is constant, then I have to look at lifestyle alternatives. I don’t think more surgery would be the answer.

I’m not giving up. Please don’t think that. I’ll continue working with Greg and doing all that I can do to make this surgery a success story.

Because I want to walk again.

This is just a setback. Time will tell if I can walk without pain.


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  1. I can relate to that feeling of panic when you couldn’t find Ivy – that’s happened to me with my dog. So relieved you found her. The picture of her playing with the paper is precious. A rented wheelchair may be good for getting you out of the house in the interim, but keep the faith that you will be able to walk again. Recovery is a long road, but take it slow!

  2. I think a wheel chair is a good idea, if you can find one to fit through your doors. You can probably have the doors removed, if you need to. That might allow you an extra inch or so. Could be all you need. I’m sorry you were so upset about Ivy. My mind tends to go to worst case scenarios as well, so I totally get your fears and concerns. I’m glad she was ok. I love the picture of her with the paper bag. She is so cute. I left you a comment on yesterday’s blog too. Sorry I’m so late in commenting. Hopefully, you can go back and read them.

    1. Don’t worry. I’ll go check your comment. The paper Ivy was in was the long piece of paper Amazon puts around products in boxes. She had the most fun with that thing! Steve next door says he’s never seen a cat that needs so little to entertain herself.

  3. I don’t know if you’re able to get out and about once a week (a neighbor-friend take you), but would you consider acupuncture for your nerve pain? I’ve had it twice: once many years ago when I was having nerve pain from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, and this past winter when I was having nerve pain in my head and temple (long story – it’s from a horrible nerve pain issue that was never properly diagnosed, not even by a neurologist) last Dec. Both times helped.

    1. Yesterday afternoon and so far today, I don’t have the nerve pain in my ankle. Thank goodness! Still, I always have it in my hands up my shoulders though. I’ll be having my hands looked at once I can drive. No, I only go out now to doctor’s appointments. It’s just too hard and I can’t drive yet.

  4. When my mom lived with us we had to find a wheelchair that would fit through our doorways, etc. A Home Medical Equipment company is the best bet if you would ever need to take that route. A custom wheelchair can be made for you and the company will come to you to do that and assess your home and even provide chairs to try before committing and service as needed going forward. Even without that, there are all kinds of wheelchairs and all sizes/dimensions to suit.
    I love Ivy. The cat documentary noted, as have you, how cats can sense our feelings.

  5. Brenda,
    I agree with Sherry B, so I won’t elaborate. If I was close, I would help you try out wheelchairs and pick up a lunch and take you to a park. Getting outside for some natural Vitamin D (weather permitting) is a mood changer.
    My husband had his right knee replaced last Tuesday. The nurse commented that he had healthy skin for his age (76) and being on baby aspirin; which thins the skin and makes you susceptible to horrible bruising. My husband replied; after helping me shower ( he uses a chair) my wife oils me down like a “Thanksgiving Turkey” while I’m still wet! Then she blots me so the oil has a chance to soak in. Then after dressing, she makes me put Eucerin cream on my face and arms. The nurses all got a good chuckle!
    Gosh that picture of Ivy with the brown paper wrapping was priceless!
    Hugs and Prayers to you, Brenda

  6. I would agree w Sherry B that a follow up w your surgeon might be in order. As awesome as physical therapists are, they are also not medical doctors. Voice your concerns and your fears w your surgeon. If the source of the pain is inflammation there may be an injection (that might be appropriate for you) that can take your pain levels down. In my (unprofessional) view, the pain medications prescribed right after surgery should not be required weeks and months later. Have your surgeon assess your current state. Pain, stress and anxiety can slow down your healing not to mention dampen your spirits. Keep the faith! You have many people rooting for you!

  7. Greg sounds like a great therapist and I’m glad you have him. Before you buy a motorized chair is there a place you can rent one for a week or so just to give it a test drive?

    My daughter suffers from nerve damage in her left ankle and two weeks ago she was hurt again through no fault of her own. She’s been in constant pain since. So I do feel for you and know that time will help heal but it doesn’t make it any the less frustrating for you.

  8. If you don’t talk to your doctor about anything else, talk to him about getting a different pain pill, preferable something that also works when your hands are overused and start aching. The nerve pain may be caused by something that is wrong with the boot itself – its structure, some part of it pressing too hard for too long on a sensitive area of your ankle or leg. Has anybody thought that it could be a flaw in the boot design? The nerve pain could also be related to your overdoing it the other day in PT by walking those 10 steps, exacerbated by the boot that doesn’t sound to me like it fits properly. Is it possible to wear a brace instead of that boot – something that would give your ankle the stability it needs but not be clamped down and rubbing on it constantly? You’re already taping yourself up to prevent getting sore from the boot rubbing, that indicates something is wrong with the boot, not you.

    1. I don’t think it’s the boot. I think I overdid it. It’s not the boot scraping any longer, because the wound is healed on the outside. The pain in my hands is arthritic joints and I have nerve pain there that goes up my arms into my shoulders. It’s acting up bad now because I put those darned dining chairs together. Last night there was also nerve pain in my ankle. It was there before.

  9. Please don’t rush things Brenda. I know it’s very frustrating, but just hold on and take it one day at a time. It seems like it has been a long time, but considering the scope of what was done it really has not been very long. Just a few days ago you were in no or minimal pain. So, wait a little bit and I’m sure you will get back to that place. I also agree with the person who stated that you need to take you Gabapentin (Neurontin) every day. It is not to be taken on an as needed basis. You might also want to discuss with your doctor about prescribing a safe anti inflammatory medication. I agree with you and don’t like to take narcotics but anti inflammatory medication is not habit forming and would greatly improve your pain and inflammation. There are so many so if one upsets your stomach do not hesitate to ask doctor for something else.

    1. I can’t take aspirin and meds like that. Upsets my stomach too much. I’m not giving up. Just trying to find an answer if the worst comes about. I know you have to take Gabapentin every day. I contacted the pharmacy for more.

  10. You aren’t supposed to start and stop and start and stop. gabapentin. Either take it every day or don’t. It’s not good for you .

    1. I know it isn’t good for you. The surgeon prescribed that and aspirin for after surgery, but I couldn’t handle the aspirin on my stomach and I don’t really think the Gabapentin helped all that much. But I’ll try it again and see. He mentioned I’d probably have nerve pain.

  11. Maybe you could rent a motorized wheelchair for a month to see if you like it before buying one. They also seem to have some gently used ones on Craigs List and different organizations. Just a thought .

    Hope you have a good day 🌞🌞🌞

    1. Yeah, I would rent one first. These doors are really narrow here. The one that goes into my bedroom I measured and to clear everything I’d only be left 22 inches to get in and out.

  12. Unfortunately it seems like forever when slow and steady wins the race. Sending blessings for pain free days that lead into you being able to walk again soon. The picture with Ivy under the craft paper is adorable. We worry so much about the ones we love.

  13. Sherry B I agree, I couldn’t say it better myself! As the saying goes Rome wasn’t built in a day! We’re all praying for u Brenda!

    1. I know. I did too much and I’ve been lifting things with my left hand. Maybe lifting weight affects your other side even if your foot is on a scooter. I don’t really know. But the nerve pain started after I did that yesterday. My back hurts so I know I lifted too much. The plastic box was filled with sacks of Ivy’s food. She eats two kinds I mix due to her weight.

  14. I’m so sorry you couldn’t find Ivy. I would have been beside myself if I were in your shoes. Whew!
    I believe narrow wheelchairs are available but I’m not 100% sure. Brenda, you need to do what will improve your quality of life. Just don’t do things in panic mode. That’s when I make the biggest mistakes.
    I’ve been out of sorts the past few weeks and I can’t seem to shake it. Someone came along and upset my “happy cart”. Grrr!
    Make the best of your day, Brenda and I will, too. 🙂

    1. That would be my last resort. But I measured our doors and some are around 22 inches wide counting the door and facings. That’s very narrow. Try to reset your applecart. I’m trying as well.

      1. I’m trying to have a better day than the wkend as well bc today is my bday. Oh well, I’m still alive and kicking and healthy! Lol

  15. Brenda,
    Perhaps it’s time have a follow-up appt with the surgeon and review your PT plan and goals. I hate to hear that you are suffering again, you are making progress, but not at the pace you’d like. Pain, anxiety, immobility and fear of the future are all huge stressors. Take good care of yourself. So many of your followers are praying for ease of your pain and steady improvement.
    Sherry B

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