Yesterday I had nerve pain along with ankle pain, which led to me thinking about the future.
I began retaking Gabapentin to try to alleviate some of the nerve pain.
Pain has ruled about 10 years of my life and I can’t bear the thought of more. The pain even woke me up last night when I was sleeping.
A few days ago this wasn’t happening.
This morning I began to look at motorized wheelchairs online. Our doors are narrow here, so it might be a problem.
It occurred to me when I woke up that I have to look toward the future, whatever that may be. I have to take some of my power back.
Last night when I got out of the shower Ivy was not in her usual sleeping spot on the table next to my bed.
I began watching TV, but I kept calling out for her. She didn’t materialize.
I tried putting cat treats out and they went uneaten. And she loves those cat treats.
After several hours of not finding Ivy, I was beginning to get frantic. In the back of my mind was the chilling memory of finding little Gracie dead that night some months ago.
I kept getting on my knee scooter to look behind all the curtains in my apartment to see if Ivy was watching critters.
Why wasn’t she responding, I wondered. Ivy will generally react if I’m calling out to her.
I rode the knee scooter round and round looking everywhere.
I’d read somewhere that animals will sometimes go off by themselves to die. Of course, these thoughts were premature. But my mind was racing ahead to all the dire possibilities after losing Gracie and never knowing why.
Where I Finally Found Ivy:
Finally, finally, I found her in a corner chair in the darkness of my office. I felt such relief. She stared at me as I petted her and told her how frightened I was.
I’d gone in there looking for her several times. But Ivy never wants to spend time in my office. So I didn’t look in the corner along the wall where you enter the room.
Ivy still would not come into the bedroom and that is very strange behavior from her. I have to wonder if she is reacting to my pain and anxiety.
So that’s why this morning I got up and began looking online at motorized wheelchairs. I have to look toward the future and be proactive about my life.
It’s up to me to determine my quality of life. My hands hurt and it’s hard to hold onto the handles of the knee scooter or the walker. So there’s that as well.
So if I have to do that, I will. I’ll figure out a way. Maybe they make narrow wheelchairs.
In the past, with this injury, I just chugged along hoping to find a doctor who could find a way to fix my ankle.
The doctor told me himself that this surgery might make no difference, and that I should keep that in mind. So there’s that.
But if the pain is still there and is constant, then I have to look at lifestyle alternatives. I don’t think more surgery would be the answer.
I’m not giving up. Please don’t think that. I’ll continue working with Greg and doing all that I can do to make this surgery a success story.
Because I want to walk again.
This is just a setback. Time will tell if I can walk without pain.