12 Comments

  1. This is so interesting. I have no idea if your 6 week old self knew she was being abandoned but certainly as you aged you realized it. You have made a great life for yourself and raised two wonderful daughters through much hardship so you should be proud of that.

  2. Hi Brenda. You’ve done an excellent job at presenting a complex account in a simple way that doesn’t get bogged down with the details. Yes, I do have wake up with snippets of dreams in my head and I sometimes wonder why am I dreaming about that issue again. Just this morning, my husband and I woke up and he said, “I was having a bad dream.” I said, “So was I!” He had been dreaming about how his adult son keeps such an emotional and geographical distance from family members. I was dreaming about how unhealthy my adult daughter was before she died. We know about these issues, but we hadn’t expected to be focused on them as we started this new day. But we know we will indeed be thinking of these issues as the day progresses. Dreams have a way of hanging around on the edges of our minds all day!

    Whenever you write about your dreams, or give an account of your past, I always can find something that relates to an experience in my own life. In this account, I can identify with your efforts to find a new father figure for your daughter. After my divorce from my first husband, I really wanted to find a new father figure for my two children. Their dad was involved in their life, he saw them regularly, but he is an emotionally distant person and I wished so much I could find someone to be more comfortable with loving my children. But all the men I dated proved to be real losers who didn’t want a thing to do with my kids, so thank goodness I didn’t marry one of them. I finally had to tell myself, “Your kids have a dad already, so just accept it and quit dating these idiots.” When I finally did meet my second husband, a lot of years had gone by and my kids and his son weren’t little anymore, so, none of us looked at the situation as them getting a new dad or new mom. We’ve all gotten along, thank goodness — we’ve had a lot of issues to deal with, but problems between kids and step-parents hasn’t been one of them.

    The other thing you brought up that I found to be relatable is when you talk about testing your ex-husband. I think that my second husband and I both were tested by our first spouses. I just never thought of it as testing until I read this post. So, it’s been really helpful to read your explanation of your behavior with your ex-husband, because it definitely gives me a new way to look at things that we experienced with our first spouses. We know that they had behaviors that were not a bit helpful to the relationships, and we know they had grown up in dysfunctional households. But, it hasn’t occurred to us to think that they were testing us to see if we would abandon them as they might have felt abandoned. I think that there could be something to it. Our first spouses grew up in much more prosperous circumstances than we did, but they both had at least one parent that was abusive, and a lot of other nuttiness went on. So maybe they did feel abandoned emotionally by these parents. It definitely is a new way to look at what we went through with them. Neither of our ex-spouses has had a successful long-term relationship with anyone else since we were with them, and meanwhile my second husband and I have been together for 20 years, 14 of it being marriage. So, I guess our ex-spouses never found anyone that they felt like they could trust, perhaps. Anyway, I do appreciate it that you were so open about your past as a way for readers to understand you more, and to perhaps understand our own lives better as well. Thank you.

  3. This is one of your best posts ever, reflective and insightful. You are wise and have so much to share with other women.

  4. I had a very disturbing dream this morning right before I woke up. It brought back some painful things, but it also helped to clarify something. I try not to dwell on dreams, but let them sift through my mind and then move on. xo Laura

  5. Have I experienced some similar type dreams, as to the mind working out problems in sleep and if awakened, then can remember? Yes I have. Maybe it is not uncommon among those of us who had difficult childhoods especially…

  6. Acknowledging one’s own imperfections is, maybe, the most difficult thing a person can ever do, but a necessary step to growing both personally and spiritually. Dreams often help us do that, when we have the courage to face what they’re trying to tell us. It’s not always easy! You have been very brave, facing truths about your past. Some people can never do it, some people can, but at different stages of their life. Personally, I think that as we get older, we do acquire a certain amount of wisdom that comes with experience, whether they were good experiences or not. And we begin to face things and be really – sometimes maybe scarily – truthful with ourselves, a necessary step to let go of the past and to grow into the future. Perhaps you triggered this process in yourself in creating your “zen” space and opening up to more experimentation and freedom in adapting “boho” to your own wants and needs. All good things!

  7. When in doubt try this: Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference. Thank you for sharing your deepest hurts with us. We are all connected by our suffering and our joys. It’s called compassion and love. . I wish you more joy.

    1. Dreams can be so powerful-sometimes in impetus to move forward with something we have been avoiding. I know you had some traumatic years but it has also helped form the person you are today…and that’s not so bad, is it?

  8. You know Brenda sometimes dreams aren’t about the actual thing we are witnessing in our sleep. Sometimes they are messages about something so different than what the images or the story it is telling. I think it could be letting your subconscious come up and let a burden being buried there go. Very interesting dream and I love always to read your great writing.
    Happy Sunday.
    Kris

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