It is gray and somewhat cold outside today. I had hoped it would be nice enough so I could get out on the patio and start to clean up from all the winter storms.
I did get the dogs a puppy cut earlier in the week.
Pupsters Get Puppy Cut:
Never Feeling Good Enough:
Yesterday was probably one of the few times in my adult life that I haven’t carried out some form of emotional self-flagellation.
Can’t do it…don’t know how…just aren’t smart enough…why can’t you… stupid.
And the litany went on and on. From what I’d heard others say; and what I said to myself.
“Why can’t you be like normal mothers?”
I’ve gone through every conceivable variation of putting myself down for the things I haven’t been able to do. Silently. In my head.
Finally I Am Comfortable In My Own Skin:
Yesterday was quite possibly the very first day in recent history where I felt completely comfortable in my own skin. Relaxed. Able to get through a day with relatively few worries.
I let myself just go through the hours without forcing myself to do things. For some reason I always feel that I must be doing things.
Just Being Still:
I stared out the window while the dogs laid beside me. And read your comments and the many emails that continue to come in. Really I couldn’t have imagined this much support. I’m so thankful and feel humbled by your words.
Plus I ordered books you mentioned would be useful, two of them.
One email from a reader read: “I’m so glad you finally found out. Because I’ve known all along.”
A Humiliating Day From Childhood:
Probably the single most humiliating day in my childhood life was when some of the girls in my class (I think it was 4th grade) arranged a surprise birthday party for me.
Of course girls can’t keep quiet, so I found out.
I was horrified that there would be all those people looking at me. And I knew it was all because they pitied me.
I Didn’t Want Attention:
I was the little girl who didn’t really fit in and felt anxious among my peers.
The little girl that didn’t have a mother or father to attend functions, and so stood out from the group.
And the quiet little girl who only wanted to be part of the woodwork.
As I expected, it was horrid. They meant well, I knew that. But I hated this sort of thing. The minutes crept by and I just wanted it all to be over so I could go be by myself and cry.
That was the one and only birthday party I ever had. And never wanted one again.
Wanting To Be Invisible:
Wanting to be invisible has been a common thread throughout my life. It would be nice to hear and see and stand outside, as I did anyway.
But with no one being able to see me, I would have felt less anxious. If they couldn’t see me, then I could wander through life unnoticed. That’s what I really wanted.
No one would be judging me, criticizing me or feeling pity for me. To be invisible would have seemed a great gift.
I feel a little more comfortable in my own skin. And that is a wonderful feeling.