Looking in the rear view mirror love is equally exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. You don’t really choose who you love or know why you are drawn to that person.
Sometimes you know from the onset that you are loving the wrong person. Or that loving that person is just wrong.
That fact sits in your mind and festers there. The space between you should be widened, not narrowed.
You knew this.
But you couldn’t seem to stop yourself, or so it felt like all those years ago. A lifetime ago.
You both knew it was wrong. But love often can’t be talked to, cajoled or argued with.
I don’t ever want to love like that again. I have felt the highs and lows. Fallen into the dark hole and clawed my way back out again.
I have turned away, driven down the road and not looked back. Kept on going. My mind unreeling a kaleidoscope of memories. Just a road in life taken and then after a time left behind in the rear view mirror.
But I still remember how the sight of him made my heart beat faster. All the while knowing that eventually it would break me.
That I was tempting fate and fate is not something to be messed with.
You knew that any love between the two of you would be built on sand. That it would shift with time.
Deep down you knew that it would all eventually catch up with you both. Replacing that sweet music called love and leaving strains of sorrow in its stead.
Your need for that feeling was so pressing, so determined, that you were not brave enough, strong enough, to do the right thing and say no to it. And you paid a dear price for it.
And so, with all of it behind you, what is left? Good memories along with bad. Words, horrible cringing words, said between you.
Because, you see, you knew, that it was all doomed from the start. And you went forward into that warm beckoning darkness anyway.
So now, are you alive or just living?
The highs and lows are gone and what is left is an everyday contentment. A fluid line of sameness.
But I’ll take it. I’ll take living.
Over that steep road that wound down through hills and valleys and ended up going nowhere after all.