A Thousand Little Cuts
Sometimes it feels like life is made up of a thousand little cuts. Crippling losses that remind me of who I no longer have here with me.
Most of my losses have been in the springtime. First, when my great-grandmother died. I had just turned 13.
It was mid-April. Springtime was budding on the tree branches and green was emerging from the dirt.
Losses & Memories:
Over the last 20 years, there have been more. I lost my sweet rescue dog Pepper in April 2006. Then a woman I called my dear friend, my ex-mother-in-law, I lost her that May.
May seems to be a pretty full calendar of losses.
I lost Abi in May 2018. And I still can’t look at her photo for more than a few seconds without breaking down. It’s that way with all of my pet babies.
I lost Charlie in June 2021. Oh, how cute he was with his tongue hanging out! My sweet handsome boy.
And the last, little Gracie May, died nearly a year ago.
I lost Gracie the last day of March 2022. I’d only lived here for two months. I had envisioned us being together so much longer.
Losing pets hits me particularly hard. My pets spend every single day with me, often sleep with me, and bring me so much laughter and love.
And the worst, the very worst, is when the memories and all the day-to-day stuff you enjoyed with them begins to fade. Little by little, you begin to lose your grasp on the clarity of those images. Like sand sifting through your fingers.
Last night I kept thinking: Where is the essence of them?
Are they, invisible and unable to make sounds, clawing at the window outside begging me to see that they’re still trying to reach me?
Do they follow along right behind me as they did in life?
The Little Things:
Springtime equals losses.
When I lost my great-grandmother, I had to grow up quickly. I was angry at the world for putting me in that position. Of having to grow beyond the size of my shoes.
I don’t know if I really grieved that loss. There wasn’t time. Because I had to tie my shoe laces and keep going. I had to push that anger down until it just became part of the loss.
I still have that with me. Those anxious dreams where I’m unprepared and afraid.
But time passes, just like spring will be here before we know it.
And all the little anniversaries will be remembered and cried over. Instead of having all my precious pets here with me, I’ll have a bucket of tears.
The Most Recent:
The anniversary of Gracie’s death will be soon.
I’ll never forget walking into my bedroom and immediately seeing her there on the floor.
I remember shouting, “No, no, no!” even as I knew she was already dead. It was such an unbearable shock.
Still, I find it hard to look at that area of the carpet.
If I drop clothing there, I immediately put it in the wash as though the loss will be invisibly etched on that shirt or pair of pants.
She was such a sweet little thing, Gracie Mae. I gave her my middle name.
She was a cuddle bug. Sometimes I’d wake up to find her sleeping on my head.
Gracie was so young. She was just a kitten whose body hadn’t yet fleshed out so I’d see how she’d look as an adult.
I will never see Gracie all grown up. Gracie turning into an adult, for some reason I’ll never know, was stolen from me.
I grieve for Gracie and Charlie and Abi and Pepper. My great-grandmother and best friend.
I’ll keep the memories alive by knowing that my love for them will never end. It’s what I have left and I’ll hold it close and protect it with my life.
And Ivy and I will still be here making new memories.
I do believe with my whole heart that those who have passed on (both people and animals) are still with us in some way. I find that thought comforting.
My eyes welled up with tears reading this, Brenda. I think anyone that has ever lost a pet knows exactly the feelings you describe. There are certain pets that I can’t think of without crying a bit. They become like children to us and love so unconditionally. Prayers for your heart—xo Diana
Grief is my biggest mountain to climb everyday. We lost our son-in-law (whom I had known since he was 8) 2 and 1/2 years ago. Our daughter died this last May. Our kids are all gone now. My brother bled to death in my arms 11 years ago Christmas. Holidays are the hardest for us. Listening to that last voice mail, or trying to delete their last text. To have this big of a hole in my heart only means that I loved them deeply. The tears I shed are because I loved someone more than myself. I thought I had grown up when my father died. But now that our kids are all gone, I feel like adulthood has hit me with a bulldozer. ~jackiesee~
I know what you mean about particularly feeling the losses at a certain time of year. For you, it’s spring. For me, it’s fall. My son died in September; my dad, mother-in-law and grandpa all died in October. Zippo (my oldest kitty) died in November. Fall is rather depressing for me not only because of all these losses (especially my son, of course – his anniversary death date is unbearable for me every year) but because the earth is dying, too, with all the leaves falling and everything withering up and fading away. Just one big reminder of death.
Speaking of pets and them passing away, my sweet Monkey’s one year anniversary of his passing is Wednesday. I can’t believe it’s been a year already. Because his death was so unexpected and sudden, my heart still hurts horribly whenever I look at his photos. Like you with Gracie. Though at least I had Monkey for 11 years. I’m grateful for that.
I’m so sorry Brenda. I know you miss them dearly. Any loss is hard to get over. And really, I doubt you get over it so much as just learn to deal with it. Everything in your own time, Brenda.
I agree with that. I think you just learn to live with loss.
I’m one of those who believes we will meet our pets once again “in a place without sorrow or tears,” and our joy will be eternal.
Wouldn’t that be wonderful!
It’s said that we all die twice. There are a couple of definitions for this second death: When your name is uttered for the last time, or when the last person who personally knew you dies.
How interesting! I’d never read or heard that.
I have had lots of loss in my life. People, family & friends range from Sept. to May. Pets are Spring & Summer. I seemed to have grieved more intensely in my older years over the pets. They give unconditional love and always chose to be around me. My family growing up was dysfunctional at best, traumatic at it’s worst. My solace in life has been the love and companionship of animals. I find they are warmer and more trustworthy than the average human. So Brenda, I can totally empathize with you. I didn’t realize you were only 13 when your great grandmother passed away. I was 16 when my mom died. both she and my father were alcoholics, so I had full care of my mother for two years before her death. She was gravely ill from cirrhosis of the liver from the alcohol. Life deals some of us tough deals. Why do we have to lose our pets as well?
PS – I tried the Isotoner gloves for my arthritic hands. They give somewhat firmer compression than the cloth gloves, but in all honestly have not helped much at all. Let me know how your copper ones work out. I am desperate for some relief! It even hurts to pet my fur babies! Wishing you all the best. Brighter days are ahead.
You expressed it so well, while I struggle to try to explain why I probably grieve for pets more than people. As you said, that unconditional love is just so precious. Where else would we find that?
I grieve for a very long time when I lose a pet. I know my heart breaks off more and more each time I lose one. So I feel your pain as mine are always next to me like yours as being home as much as we are, well the pets become our company. And we miss it when we don’t have them. There is no time limit on when to stop feeling sad over the death of a pet so know I understand.
I don’t know if I’ll ever stop grieving them. They say time heals all wounds, but I don’t know.
Your post was very timely. Our dog, Gabe, passed away on Saturday. We were blessed to have him for 13+ years but it is never long enough. He had the sweetest soul. The house felt very empty and quiet yesterday and you listen and look for them even though you know they are not there.
I’m so very, very sorry for your loss.
We lost a cat we had had for only a week. I wrote about it here:
https://www.nutbrowncottage.com/2019/05/lament-for-cat-i-only-knew-for-week_5.html
It was devastating. I totally understand your losses, especially your loss of Gracie Mae. Pets give us so much love and ask for nothing in return. And they even love us when we aren’t always the most loving ourselves.
I read your post and that was so terribly sad. But he sounds like he died peacefully. So maybe he needed to be with your family when he left this world.
Maybe you’re right. We certainly loved on him a lot in his last week of life. He deserved all the love he could get. Sweetest kitty I’ve ever met.
Kim, that really was a beautiful post. I’m sorry you had such a short time together. I decided to check out your blog and found a post I read about why you love your husband. I think that was one of the most wonderful things I’ve ever read! I felt like I loved your husband too, after reading all that, lol! He sounds like a wonderful man! You are very blessed. It also made me think about my hubby and making a list. I realized so many of the things on your list are things I could write about my husband. Sounds like we are both blessed. Thank you for writing that post!
Grief is so individual.
I have learned from grief that asking “Why? delays it. There are a lot of people fighting it. I learned I would never win (move forward) if I kept asking why. The answer that I have read is “Why not?” Things change. I am not in control. That was one of my best conclusions. Recovering is like peeling the peel from an orange. Each part of your life is pulled away and replaced to make a different you.
Good points you have. Some days I just feel so sad I don’t know what to do but write it down. For some reason last night it hit me hard. It was dark outside. And I wondered: Are they just outside my window, gathered together, reminding me of their love for me and mine for them?
I am sending you another set of bowl fillers to cheer you up and to be a healthy distraction. This set is birds. Some patterns are enclosed. ENJOY!!
I haven’t started sewing yet. My hands are sore and I think I need to let the weather warm up before I begin. I did order the copper gloves to wear. Thank you for being so kind! You know I love birds!
Myrna, that is so thoughtful of you!
I think most of your readers, including me may still be shocked at the sudden loss of Gracie Mae! Can’t help but wonder what happened and why. I remember sweet Abi and Charlie – such sweet pups! And now your Ivy keeps you company and fills your heart with joy. Cry when you want but smile often as you remember them.
Gentle hugs, Brenda!
For some reason I’m not to the point that I can think about them without crying. Maybe someday.
If you can’t that’s ok. We do what we have to do in self care!
Oh Brenda,
As I sit here reading your post, I can’t help myself and have to comment. With Merci Kitty on my lap, cleaning herself and Baby (my older cat) nearby wanting my attention, meowing away, I feel you sadness too. Sadness for all the kitties, I’ve TNR’d and fed and tried to save that passed through my life and home and touched me so. Sadness for my Liberty, a shepherd/chow mix, an angel of a dog that would let some of those stray kitties in the house. The memories do fade a little for me too, but the love and friendship they shared with me will always be penetrated in my heart. They were my family.
I feel exactly the same. I saw my pets every day and don’t see my daughters or grandchildren that often because they are busy.