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  1. At least they gave you life, Brenda…and here you are, being a blessing to others!! Some of us who had parents, likely had my experience…when he died my grief was for what COULD have been, SHOULD have been, rather than for what was!! A rabbi told me that with some toxic parents, the best you can do is separate from them and then live the most upstanding, wonderful kind life you can because when you are good to others, that in itself is honoring of your parents. It is hard to think that we agreed on some things prior to our births, that were what became of our lives…yet, I know there are those who believe that. In some regards, I can agree with that…but did I REALLY agree to come to a very abusive dad? I wonder. Well, we all wonder from whence we came…though being I had parents all along, I wondered more about those distant ancestors. I had always been told that one of my dad’s ancient ancestors was Charlemagne…and when I came across a painting of him online, lo and behold, one brother looks JUST like him!! Amazing. Maybe your cousin can fill you in on some family health info anyway. That might be of some use.

    1. My parents weren’t toxic. They just weren’t there. I’ll take that over toxic any day of the week!

  2. Very sad story but I know you try not to dwell on it. Please don’t because they were obviously very troubled people.
    Continue to take care of yourself as you’ve had to and remember that you are very loved. Gentle hugs, Brenda!

    1. I think of them every once in a while, but not often. So when I do or wake up and they’re on my mind, I tend to write about it.

  3. What a lovely and vulnerable post. Appearances are not always reality and that is true of many families. Sometimes things that did “not” take place become a blessing. I believe that most people do the best they can in life w what they have and maybe your birth parentsboth knew they could not properly take care of you and that you would be better off w your grandmother. The nature vs nurture discussion is always valid but hard to measure – by not being in your life, your parents may have inadvertently given you a “gift” of creativity that you have developed over the years of your life. We may not be reading your blog today had they been in your life:)

  4. Brenda, you survived it all…and with a loving heart.
    Am I remembering correctly that you had a sister show up in your life a few years ago? Maybe I dreamed it!?

    1. You didn’t dream it. I still haven’t met her, as she lives in another state. But we stay in contact.

  5. Thank you for sharing that, Brenda. I don’t think I ever heard your father’s story. All I knew was that neither of your parents were in your life. I’m still so sorry for that.

  6. Brenda, I’m so sorry your parents were both so unstable. Thank God you had a dependable, loving grandmother who had the privilege of raising such a wonderful woman! How many siblings do you have? Were you raised with any of them? I remember you mentioning a sister, and now a half brother. Is there anyone you’ve stayed in touch with? I really love these posts, although I realize they might be difficult to write about. Thank you for sharing a little of your past with us.

    1. I believe I have 2 full sisters and 1 full brother. I’m just not sure. There are half-siblings in there as well.

  7. Some of us had a father “present” for most of our lives and yet the connection was just as distant as yours.

    You may have lucked out not having this person bring his bad side into your life (even though it’s sad to never know the good).

    I am like my father in many ways. It’s a burden sometimes to carry around the inherited traits of someone who did you more harm than good psychologically.

    I was so relieved when my father died. A constant source of disapproval & disdain was gone. It’s sad to say that when I know many women have beloved fathers and won’t understand.

    Loss comes in many forms. It’s how we respond & take care of ourselves that counts.

    1. Well said, Kate! I, too, think Brenda may have escaped a life of turbulence when he moved on. As it’s said: “better to want something you don’t have than have something you don’t want.” I’m glad Brenda wasn’t caught up in the behavior that landed him in prison.

    2. You are absolutely right about that. And he probably did me a favor. I’d rather have the gaping hole instead of horrible memories.

  8. Brenda this is very interesting and good. Don’t be sad. Possibly you could begin a relationship with the person who sent this to you, or your half brother.
    Sincerely,
    Diane

  9. Brenda, it must have felt so strange looking at those pictures yet knowing the relationship
    but having such a disconnect. Like the others have said, you had a great grandmother who did her best. Times were tough when we were raised.

    1. It’s strange, yes. But there is no feeling of connection. Nothing to feel. There was never a loss because he was never there.

  10. It’s a good thing you had your Granny to guide you through life. She did a wonderful job! You are a brilliant, beautiful, compassionate person!

    1. You wonder what you inherit and what insight you gain from your environment. I guess no one really knows the answer.

  11. A poignant post … a feeling for what might have been. You have come far in your life’s journey and made great progress. You are a strong and brave woman. Congratulations.

    1. Thank you. I don’t know what brings these thoughts to mind. Sometimes they just pop into my head.

  12. I’m sooo glad u had a loving grandmother that was always there for u Brenda!
    Have a fantastic weekend everyone!

    Yesterday my comments disappeared twice before I could hit send!

  13. Our birth and childhood stories are very similar. I completely understand your feelings and what you wrote. I have the same situation with my birth father.

    1. I guess they’re more non-feelings than feelings. I don’t feel anything when I look at these photos.

  14. We come into these lives with our karmic agreements with other souls already planned. You can forgive your parents, because they did exactly what was agreed upon before your soul entered this dimension. You can thank them for carrying out such heartbreaking roles for you so that you might learn your life lessons and move forward, off the wheel of 84. They had difficult lives also.

  15. I am so sorry Brenda; I cannot imagine what you went thru and that you are left with so many unanswered questions.

    1. Don’t be sorry. There is just nothing there but that gaping hole. At least I have no bad memories of him.

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