The other day I was standing at the patio door looking out and saw a beautiful black butterfly flitting among my plants. At that moment the phone rang. So I was occupied for a few minutes.

When I got off the phone I grabbed my camera, which is never far from me, and started to go out on the patio. But the pretty butterfly was gone.

I’ve been watching for it for the past several days, but I haven’t seen it again. I sure hope it comes back.

I’ve got all the curtains closed, trying to keep it cool. Later in the afternoon it will get up toward 80 degrees in here, but that’s normal for this apartment.

I truly hope they put insulation in the ceiling. Surely that would help my electric bill.

I open things up so my house plants can get light in the mornings, then close everything up about this time every day.

Some of my house plants are spending the summer outdoors in the shade.

vintage bottles

I was looking around here the other day and thought to myself: Sure has been a long time since I moved furniture around. But I kind of have things how I want them, so I just don’t feel the need.

I do like to change up things on the table surfaces. But I’m not as crazy about moving furniture around anymore. There’s only so many ways you can arrange things in here.

pansies

I lost Abi two months ago today.

Every time I’m going through my photos on this computer and come across a photo of her, I choke up.

It just somehow doesn’t seem possible that she’s gone. I hold precious the last 12 years I had with her.

Every time I write about her I cry. At night when I’m lying in the dark waiting for sleep, I think about her and I cry.

My funny little floppy-eared pupster.

abi

I sit here and type but the words are blurry. Sometimes I wonder how many more tears I could possibly have in me.

If you match the amount of love to the amount of tears, I may never stop crying.

Sometimes when I’m in another room and begin to cry, Charlie will come look for me. He just stands there and stares at me. I tell him I miss Abi, but that I’m okay.

Don’t worry, my Charlie boy, your mom is okay.

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26 Comments

  1. I think multitudes of people don’t adjust well in grief. Even TV shows now like to do portrayals of serious disorders people develop as a result of trauma, sadness etc. I don’t think failure to adapt in loss is uncommon and because life can be hard if not downright brutal …so many lose their way.

    I don’t personally know how people get through extreme grief without an interior spiritual life. If I were left only to think in terms of the here and now I would have serious doubts on my own ability to cope too. I know of few things in this life that could have brought me to my knees faster than my own recent loss. But, in the same token if I didn’t work to remind myself that a bigger picture remains regardless of my state of being … then I feel certain I would have been decimated long ago.

    I think we usually are a result of those who loved us or those who failed to love us. Children who never knew a safe harbour can hold very deeply to something that brings them to a safe harbour too.

    But then, I’m entirely certain its only one reason those pets came into our lives to begin with.

  2. Isn’t it amazing how our heart and soul is tied up in a little bundle of fur? Who would ever think that we humans could love our pets so much? My heart aches for you…and 2 months is not long enough to mourn a pet that was with you for all those years. It will take time…and more time for the ache and sense of loss to go away.
    I hope that they get some insulation in there for you. It will help keep the heat out in the summer and your bills should go down.
    Have a good Wednesday- xo Diana

  3. Google eastern black swallowtail and see if that was your butterfly. Also if you have dill, parsley or fennel on your porch it might have laid some eggs on the plant. The eggs are really tiny so you might want to google them too. If you already know this, ignore me. I have been raising these butterflies for years and it is a lot of fun. Something I did not know EBS is the state butterfly of Oklahoma. I still cry over my Lucy dog and she has been gone for almost three years. Losing fur babies is really hard. I’ve been reading your blog for a long time. I really enjoy it.

  4. We will never get tired of your Abi-girl comments for most of us know how much it hurts to lose a pet. And your above reader is right, your blog helps with thoughtful wisdom and also the comments of your readers helps, too!

  5. I don’t get tired of you writing about your sadness. The thing is, your posts on grief have helped me as much or more than any other source of information and support I’ve turned to since my daughter died in August 2016. I’ve done group therapy and individual therapy and I’m glad I went for awhile, but, what I’ve found so helpful with your blog is that I can go back and read your posts as many times as I want, and I can read the comments over and over as well. In group or individual sessions, you can’t go back and hear something again. Sometimes, in group sessions, you can barely hear things the first time because people interrupt other people, or head off on some other topic. So, for me, your posts have been very helpful and I hope you are helped too by writing them.

    1. I’m so glad! I just need to talk about it, get it out of my head. Glad I’m not offending anyone with my grief.

  6. Good afternoon Brenda and Charlie,

    Stay cool, 80 inside is still hot. I hope that you both are hydrating! I know how you feel about all of your photos of Abi, each time I scroll thru my photos I see my funny Munchen. She was the happiest dog and she wagged her tail so much she wore the hair off one side of her body where the tail would hit it.

    It will be 3 years for me this August 21 and I have to be honest my friend there are some days I still cry when I see a photo or tell a story about her and like Charlie my other pups come running to see what is wrong.

    Keep writing and taking photos, it is a balm for your soul and ours as well.

  7. Cry when you feel like it – its part of healing. Only time will heal your heart. Ever time I see a Westie on an advertisement, I think of my Molly. None of us will stop reading your blog because of your sadness. Your blog is special and its about every day life and we love hearing from you. Sending you and Charlie (((((hugs))))) and cool thoughts. Its very hot here in mid Indiana.

    1. Charlie and I will take those cool thoughts. It’s nearly 80 in here even with the air conditioning working. I have it set to 72.

  8. Crying after a loss is good for you. Not releasing your emotions is not good for you. It is often suggested that crying long tears in the shower is helpful, too.

    1. I take full advantage of the shower. I don’t think Charlie can hear. They say if you don’t release your feelings now, it will come down the line anyway.

  9. That little face is just precious, Brenda. I know how you must miss her. Seeing their pictures is hard. I reach out and touch the noses on the pictures of Otis and Milo every night before bed. I feel like they’re telling me goodnight too.

    We planted two butterfly bushes last year and watching the bees and butterflies visit them now is something we never get tired of.

  10. I CRY AS I READ YOUR POST, FOR YOUR ABI AND FOR ALL MY BABIES THAT I HAVE LOST.
    IT’S PAINFUL TO LOSE THEM, BUT I WOULD RATHER ” HAVE LOVED AND LOST, THAN TO NEVER HAVE LOVED AT ALL “.
    SNUGGLES TO CHARLIE, AND KNOW IT’S OKAY TO CRY !

  11. Such a cute pic of Abi! And your flowers are amazing. I hope your butterfly does return; I would like to see that.

    I don’t blame you for not wanting to rearrange and move things around. It’s too hot for that activity. Hope you just take it easy and read/write, and try to stay cool.

  12. It sure doesn’t seem like two months have passed by. You and Charlie are doing okay and that little boy adores his mama. Keep writing and expressing your loss for all of your readers to help absorb that pain. It will get better my friend. Stay cool!
    Carol and Molly

    1. I keep worrying that you all will get tired of reading about my sadness, but when writing about it, it helps.

  13. Your photos are beautiful as always and what a pleasure to have all those photos of Abi. She was a cutie as is Charlie. I think I speak for all of your readers when I say that I love to see the pictures of Abi and of Charlie (and all of your photos for that matter). You have a gift with that camera and certainly with words. I do look forward to reading your words/thoughts each day. Thank you for sharing.

    1. I have all these photos of her and want to use them here. But then it makes me so sad to see them. I hope that changes soon. Maybe one of these days. I do want to honor her, for she was one of a kind.

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