When Did This Happen?
When did this happen; that I’ve begun to shuffle along like rope is tied around my upper legs?
I used to pick up my feet and move so quickly I left all three husbands walking behind me.
And why did I end up marrying those three to begin with? I look back now and all I can reasonably say is: What was I thinking?
When Did This Happen?
When you’re young, you sometimes make ridiculous decisions based on emotions and desire. Mistakes in choosing mates keeps occurring over and over again.
And you can’t figure out why you keep stumbling into them. Thank goodness that is now the past.
When did this happen; when I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t bend some of my fingers? Typically the middle one. It is stuck and I can’t seem to get it to work.
When I sit at the table and food dribbles onto my clothes. Just a spot or two, but still. I’ll have to look into those bibs if this keeps happening and I stain my clothes.
I sometimes feel like a doddering old woman. And then I pass a mirror and realize that that isn’t far off the mark. That’s what I’ve become.
When did this happen: that I try to type something on a phone and my fingers keep hitting the wrong keys? Everything seems to be too close together.
I finally grow angry with my fingers. Why does it take me so long to type things that seemed so easy before?
Aging & Arthritis:
When did this happen, that I can’t straighten out my hands. And when I hold them out in front of me, they almost resemble claws. Wrinkled and sometimes slightly trembling claws.
I can no longer get my fingers to sew or pick up small things. I tell my fingers to work and by golly, they just won’t. And why is it they hurt so much now?
Once I sewed fine quilts and embroidered and created things and my fingers sped along like a finely greased motor.
When did this happen, that I can’t seem to get my days straight? Tuesday seems like Wednesday and Wednesday seems like Tuesday.
When younger people start to call me hon or darlin’ or sweetheart. And it isn’t really a term of endearment.
No, it’s what they call little old women that remind them of their mother or grandmother.
When did this happen; that I want to bake something and forget what to order for the recipe. I’ll order everything but the thing I need most: bananas for banana bread.
How could I forget the main ingredient?
Aging & Forgetting Things:
I could have sworn I ordered bananas. I go to my receipt online to look, thinking they made a mistake.
But no, I didn’t manage to order bananas.
When you are growing old, it happens before you can come to terms with it. It is something that was expected, but somehow it felt like years down the road.
And then suddenly it is upon you. Time sped by so quickly.
Aging & Living Alone:
When did it happen; that you begin to think about those life alerts in case you fall.
Living alone, who would find you if you stumbled in the night and hit your head? How long would you lie there, scared and hurt?
My daughters have to put my walker in the back of their car to take me somewhere. And then have to drop me off at the door before they can go park the car.
I sit on a bench outside the door, obedient and waiting. So glad I don’t have to do whatever it is alone.
I’ll tend to some errand a few miles away. And once I’m home and parking my car, I thank my lucky stars something awful didn’t happen.
I might have swerved to avoid hitting that squirrel and nearly run over a pedestrian. But I managed to avoid calamity. I’m just ever so grateful to be home.
What happened to my once lithe body that I now have to sit on a stool to shower? And it’s necessary to sit on the seat of a rollator to prepare a meal for myself?
I was once so agile and energetic that I could easily multitask. But somewhere along the line, that ability leaked out of me like fluid from a hole in a car’s transmission.
Sometimes I feel like a mummy that’s been wrapped in gauze.
Aging & Confusion:
I get confused trying to remember whatever it is I can’t remember. And then I can’t remember why I needed to know in the first place.
Did my memories not transfer onto the memory stick properly?
Will I still be able to put words together like I am still thankfully able to do now? Dear lord, surely that won’t happen.
The years pass quickly. Like a flash in the dark.
Somehow time seemed to transport me from young to old without my realizing it. Where did those years go and why didn’t I manage to hold onto them better?
Why didn’t I make better choices when the right decision seems so plainly obvious to me now? Why didn’t I turn left instead of right and go east instead of west?
But then that’s how it works, isn’t it? If you don’t make mistakes, you will never learn the error of your ways.
When you’re young you feel so confident that you refuse to accept the misstep. And thus have to keep repeating the blunder over and over again.
You realize what you should have done now. When of course it’s far too late to change things or make amends.
When did my feet grow so cold? And my brain get so muddled? And I forget important days because I just can’t cram any more information into my brain.
I have lived long enough that there are reams of memories stored in there. And I just keep piling them on day after day. Year after year.
There’s now so much in there that I can no longer properly close the door.
When did things become so hard?
Yesterday I went into the phone store after having ordered a new phone because I couldn’t figure out how to use it.
Aging & Taking In Information:
The young man explained how this new one worked. But the longer he talked, the more I forgot what he said.
He transferred my information onto the new phone. Even put the plastic protector on for me because he saw how hard it was for me to use my hands.
I told him I had trouble holding the phone. So he added some plastic magnetic thing to the back of the phone.
It kind of reminds me of a handle on a purse. It can be raised up when I put my fingers through it and I feel less pain holding onto it.
Why, I didn’t even realize they made such things. How is it I don’t hear about things?
When I signed the credit card slip, it took me quite awhile to legibly sign my name. I felt embarrassed while he looked on.
Then he walked me to my car. When did young men think it was necessary to walk me to my car?
The same car that has hit the pole under the carport again and again. And now tape is holding car parts together. That car is 18 years old now. Old like me.
Like all the things in my brain, something as flimsy as tape is patching all the places that have thinned and cracked over time.
I watch the days pass from my easy chair as I read and work on this blog. I’ve been working on it for nearly 15 years.
All those words and thoughts and memories sit in this binder called a blog.
Safely placed where I can’t forget them as I grow older.
In the last six weeks I have been to seven doctors. After each I have had to rest and even another week.
Today was my first entire day out. I appreciate your description of thinking and moving.
Same here!
Minus the 3 husband ls & bananas.
I’d never be able to explain all my woes like you just did Brenda.
Amazing really. 👏 How you describe so much of our aging problems.
It’s truly terrifying some days. I worry a lot.
For the month off December, I began having severe pain in my left hip. Anything I do must be with caution.
Even sleeping.
Thanks for sharing, explaining it all.
Possibly Santa 🎅 has something in his sack to give us this Christmas Eve! 🎄
I am 61 and feel that I have one foot in youth and the other in old age. Most days I feel vibrant and healthy and clear-headed, but there are sometimes where I forget things (even if they are written down) or the osteoarthritis in my knee acts up.
I think what’s helped me so far is having a healthy diet, walking and strength training, yoga, meditation, a good relationship with my husband, and wonderful, supportive girlfriends that I see often.
I also know that I don’t know what tomorrow will bring – and that anything can happen. So I just live one day at a time and count my blessings.
Brenda – you had an MRI on your back. What did the MRI show? Have you had a consultation with your doctor about it? Maybe some of the issues are due to health issues in your back.
Brenda, you are a magician with words and are able to express what so many others experience, think and feel. You have definitely not lost that gift. Thank you for sharing it so generously.
Oh! join the group! I think a good many of us reading your blog regularly are in the same boat — or at least climbing into it. It is frustrating to not be able to accomplish that which my mind wants to do. But I’m learning (slowly) that I have got to take it easier with my body or it’s going to exact payment (in pain) from me. I do all I can — and then some more — and then I stop until another day.
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Brenda it is always a pleasure reading your blog …. And today’s is especially relevant as I am 71 and experiencing all that you are experiencing – except the fingers!!! Mine are my feet so always need a walking stick. As Joyce said “today is your future nostalgia era!!!” Thank goodness for our memories. Merry Christmas to you Brenda from sunny Melbourne Australia.
Some days are harder than others…many of us are around the same age and going through so many changes. Today I went shopping for the grandbabies and got overwhelmed in the store..came home and put the car away and later said to my hubby..I have to go put the car away…he looked at me and said the car is in the garage! Oh my…he is the one with dementia…one day at a time is my suggestion to all…the years have flown by…loved the saying you put on here…blessings💕
Beautiful descriptive writing! You still have it!!!
Brenda, I think we all feel like that. You’re not alone. Hang in there. We’re here for you.
Brenda, I can relate to everything you’ve said. I try to live in the moment and be grateful for my good health and having my loving family by my side. I just wish I had appreciated how good my life was when I was young.
As my mother’s dementia worsened, I began to write the story of her life. I figured her memories were somewhere still in her brain. I didn’t write a novel, just ten pages or so for her to read every day–where she was born and lived, her three marriages, her two children. After she passed last year, I’m starting to make notes for myself. I did my will and trust, so at least my end is taken care of. I just turned 73, hard to believe in itself, and I’m not doing too bad. But like you, the middle finger of my right hand “pops” in and out. I’m doing my best, and that’s all any of us can do.
This is my first year without a Christmas tree. When did that happen?!
I’m not ready to quit cooking but scaled back is the theme of that too. I’ve enjoyed your blog for years. I hope you don’t mind if I pay my dues with two recipes for the “almost ready to quit cooking cook”.
Chocolate pie
Prepare a larger box (3 cup size) of cook and serve chocolate pudding mix by package directions. Microwave directions are easy. While still hot add 1 cup of chocolate chips and stir until smooth. Pour into a graham cracker crust and top with Cool Whip when cool. Refrigerate.
Cranberry sauce
Mix a can of whole berry cranberry sauce, half a jar of orange marmalade, and a good handful of toasted walnuts. Refrigerate.
Merry Christmas to all
thank you. sounds delicious
Those DO sound delicious! Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for sharing these recipes. I’m going to make them this week.
I feel the same way. But look at this way. Today you have more spunk and mobility than you will ten years from now. Today is your future nostalgia era! Just do what you can and then enjoy a sit with Ivy nearby and enjoy what you accomplished for the day! That’s what keeps me going on many days. You still get A LOT of quality work done…your beautiful decor and the deep meaning of your words – today, especially!
Don’t be so hard on yourself Brenda bc everybody forgets once in awhile! Nobody is perfect! It would be a boring world if everyone was perfect.
I want to thank all the ppl with their kind and caring comments on my losing two beloved family members within three mos time. It means the world to me!
Merry Christmas to each and every one that reads this and Brenda too that makes it all happen for everyone!
J, I am sorry to hear that you lost two beloved family members. I must have missed your comment. May your special memories of them comfort you.
You are not alone, I feel the same way. Sometimes I am content slowing down and watching what is going on around me. Our children and grands have the joy of having us as Mom and Grandmom.