Focusing On What You Can Do
This week I’ve been working on focusing on what I can do. It’s been a hard couple of weeks.
Getting from one room to the other is sometimes like running a marathon. And getting my trash to the dumpster, which is approximately 30 feet from my apartment, seems like a herculean task.
Getting to my car is about 40-50 feet.
High Hopes:
A year ago I had high hopes for my ankle. But it’s been 16 months and it’s getting worse lately instead of better. The surgeon told me to give it a year. Well, I’ve done that.
Let me say that I have had some good weeks that made me extremely happy. Like being able to water my garden without pain there for a little while.
But it does get depressing when your body just won’t work right. There’s no way around that.
Last night I slept in my chair. It gets me sitting upright by pushing a button.
Getting out of my bed has become harder. One of those beds that help you with that would be great. But it isn’t in the budget right now after buying this expensive chair.
I wanted to write this post to tell others in a similar situation that you cannot do anything about what’s beyond your control.
So you have to start focusing on what you can do. But just before that is another important step. Go ahead and grieve.
It isn’t like losing a precious pet. Not that kind of heart grinding grief that tears you asunder.
Grieving The Loss:
This is grieving over the loss of what you can no longer do. Your body just will not comply.
I look back in my blog posts as I’m working on them (another Google god must), and am astounded. At the other apartment, early on, I was painting entire rooms.
And that was after my second ankle surgery!
I almost couldn’t believe it when I read it. It seemed beyond belief that I actually painted entire rooms. Painted cabinets, and DIYed so many things in that apartment.
I redid my kitchen counter tops and backsplash 3 times in the 8 years I lived there!
Where did I get the strength to do that? Why has my body now begun to fail me?
Well, I don’t have any answers about that. It’s beyond my reasoning. That was then; and this is now. I’m older, more prone to accidents, having to take more medications for nerve pain.
I’ve had back pain on and off since my twenties, so that’s no surprise. But now it’s terribly hard just to sit on a toilet seat without searing pain.
When you’re in a lot of pain, I’ve learned, your bodily functions sometimes don’t work as well. Some of you will understand this sentiment I think.
So here’s what I’m doing. I’m not going to lament what was before. This is now. Let’s just get this first part out of the way and allowing myself to grieve it.
Any way you look at it, it is a loss.
What I Can’t Do:
- I can no longer walk around in a store. Some days I can’t walk to my car.
- I live with daily pain so outside activities are few and far between
- I can no longer stand up to cook meals
- I can’t work in my garden without a walker/rollator to sit on
- If I exert myself in any way by walking much, I will have pain
What I Can Do:
- Accept what is and move on
- Enjoy the things I can still accomplish
- Find joy in the little things
- Mentally reduce my need to get out and about
- Adjust accordingly
Adjusting is hard, there is no doubt about it. If this has happened to you in any capacity, you’ve suffered, and are still suffering, a loss. A big one. So grieve for it. If you don’t you will be stuck.
It’s just accepting what is and what possibly may never be again.
So cry in increments and flush your mind of all the “what if’s” and “what was” and get to living life again. Just in a different way. Learn new ways to accomplish daily tasks. It will keep your brain active!
I’m no longer wearing the walking boot. I’ll try to manage without it. Wearing that walking boot off and mostly on for 2 years has taken a toll on the rest of my body.
So now, and you will be relieved, I am driving short distances with my shoe on instead of the boot. Yes, there is pain. But I don’t go far from my home. Usually within 2-3 miles.
The biggest lesson here is: I can still find joy in the every day. And I do that. I don’t let this get me so far down that I can’t laugh or decorate my home in small ways. Or create a garden. I managed that somehow.
I’m focusing on what I can do.
A Craft Project In The Works:
Yesterday I was able to sit at the table in my office/craft room and work on the leaf clay dish project. You have to let it air dry on both sides. And two of the three I made are thick. So it will probably be awhile till I can do the next step.
I can confirm right now that I will never be a clay artist. But it’s the fact that I managed to do it at all that’s important here.
And I can also tell you that mine will not look anything close to the DIY online.
Yes, it’s a project for kids. And I don’t know if an adult or a child made the pretty leaf dishes in the photo above. Just don’t expect mine to look that good!
I used morning glory leaves because they were the leaves closest to the patio and I could get to them without the walker.
So I can still manage projects if it doesn’t include having to be on my feet for more than a few minutes.
What I’m Grateful For:
Most of all, I’m grateful to have a roof over my head. So many don’t have that luxury. And these days, I consider it a luxury because of the many homeless people I see on the streets.
I can still bake a cake and scramble eggs while sitting on the rollator/walker. Wash the dishes. Go outside with the walker and sit to take photos of the garden.
I’m grateful that, though it took me till my fifties, I finally managed to find a way to make a bit of money. I’ll never be rich or anything close to rich.
But with my social security and blog income, I am independent. Nothing is a surety. Especially the ever changing blog income. Nothing is a given.
Google changes the rules constantly and puts content creators in great peril. We all wonder when the sky is going to fall.
But for now, I’m okay. I have my precious beloved Ivy as my companion. I’m so grateful for her!
I have children and grandchildren. Though I rarely see them, they’re still there, and that bond will always be an invisible umbilical cord.
I’m grateful that I can do small decorating and gardening projects. Not anywhere near what I used to be able to do. But I won’t ever stop doing those two things because they’re so important to me.
Still Trucking Along, But More Slowly:
And I worry I’ll lose you if I don’t keep churning out the decorating or gardening posts. Because I’m limited now in what and how much I can accomplish. So what used to take me hours now takes me days or weeks.
I worry that you’ll think to yourself: Well, that gal had a good run. But she just isn’t up to par anymore. She can’t do what she once did. So I’m heading to greener pasture (blogs) to read.
And I sure wouldn’t blame you. I’ve been at this now for 14 and a half years, and I’m not going anywhere.
My energy and excitement about my home and garden is still there. But my body is limited on what I can accomplish.
I never stop looking around me and wondering what I can do to make things prettier/more cozy. What I can add to my outdoor space. My mind keeps chugging along.
The Biggest Loss:
One of the losses for me is not being able to go out to the parks and take photos of the beauty of fall. Something I looked forward to doing every year. Maybe I’ll get to go back to Woodward Park one day.
My physical therapist, Greg, asked me once: “If you could go out and do anything, what would it be?”
And I said without even thinking about it: “I would go to parks and places of beauty where I can take photos of nature.”
That wouldn’t cost me anything but the gas in my car to drive there. But I might as well ponder walking a marathon. Because for the foreseeable future, that just isn’t a consideration.
Can you believe that Greg is still coming to my home every week for physical therapy for well over a year now? How time flies.
So if you have physical, or mental, limitations, be kind to yourself. It isn’t your fault. It isn’t really even your body’s fault. It’s just the card we’ve been dealt.
The secret: Adapt.
And you adapt by finding new ways to do things that bring you joy. Or even just things that will get you through the day.
Unless I had a brain injury of some variety, I’ll always have the ability to write. My mind never stops clicking when it comes to putting thoughts into words. It’s been there my entire life, like an old friend that never stops visiting.
Learning To Adapt:
There are many ways to adapt. And that’s what you must do. If there is something you cannot change, then you have to adapt to what is. To focusing on what you can do.
Greg recently mentioned the idea of a wheelchair or scooter of some kind. But he worries about the narrow doorways and the corners I’d have to navigate to get from room to room.
But if it gets to that point, I’ll look into it for sure. I’ve never even seen all the grounds here where I live and I’ve lived here since January 2022!
I can’t go enjoy the pond for instance, etc. The sidewalks here just aren’t safe for walkers. Lisa goes down to the office on Monday mornings, and the ladies have donuts and coffee.
I really don’t know if I’d want to do that, but the fact is, I can’t. But then again, I’m not as social as she is.
But I’m grateful I have neighbors who come visit. Who I can sometimes talk to when I’m outside in my yard.
Neighbors like Peg who help me and pick up prescriptions for me if need be. I’ve never had that before.
What A Difference A Year Makes:
And speaking of the yard, what a difference a year makes! I can’t take any credit for the landscaping because I paid for it to be done.
But I planted lots of flowers and herbs that flourished. And, if I do say so myself, they have been beautiful to behold from spring onward.
It took the morning glories and moon flowers till August to bloom, but I didn’t plant them early. And they were planted from seeds.
The ferns are massive now. Easily 2-3 times the size they were when I planted them.
And I got many plants from companies willing to mail them to me. That way I could just go online and order what I needed.
I ordered the plants below from Great Garden Plants.
Plants I Ordered For My Garden:
I ordered herbs from The Growers Exchange.
All the herbs did well over the summer. So I’ll probably order from them again. Because every year I like to have pineapple sage and lemon verbena.
So this post has turned out to be almost a full-length book! If you’re still with me, the gist of all this is just to enjoy life. In whatever capacity you can.
For as long as you have. In as little pain as you can manage.
That’s all you can do.
Sorry it’s taken me so long to get this out. Peg went to CVS to pick up prescriptions for me.
It seems there’s always a neighbor coming in the patio door. Especially when I have chocolate cake to give away!
Brenda, I’m a long time reader and I don’t plan on going leaving.
I don’t comment often but I read every post you make & gave been for years.
Is it possible that you could get a motorized chair? Would you be able to get around inside your apartment? And, if dr ordered I think Medicare pays some if not all….next thing, I was thinking, if you got motorized chair, could you have your car equipped with a carrier….or even get a van that allows the door to open up & you drive chair up into it?
I have no real knowledge about these things but have seen other handicapped people with them……
Just thinking about ways that might give you more options of mobility.
Hugs Brenda!
Brenda, it may have been a “book” blog today, but I enjoyed reading every word of it! Truly! I’ve really been missing your daily posts! I can’t imagine I’d stop reading your posts voluntarily. If you stopped posting all together, I’d miss you terribly! It’s hard to not do all the things you used to easily do. Your mind still says you can do it, but your body says you can’t. It’s like slowly losing your independence and you’re fully aware of it. It’s frustrating! But your advice, as usual, is spot on. You’ll be much happier and better off, the sooner you realize you must live within your physical capabilities. Otherwise, you’ll drive yourself crazy, or push yourself too far and really hurt yourself. And as you pointed out, if you’re looking for it, you’ll see there’s still plenty of things you CAN do. It’s important to concentrate on those things, rather than what you can no longer do. You have really sweet friends. I hope you never have to move again. I can’t imagine you’ll find a more wonderful group of friends and neighbors. And they’re just as lucky to have you, as are we, your faithful friends and readers.
Brenda, enjoy reading your blog. It speaks to many of us going thru some of same concerns as you. Age and health problems have slowed me down. Like your title: Focus on what you can do. I have to remind myself of this each day. We are blessed to live in tech age where we have many advantages to help us stay connected with world. I love to spend time flower gardening, but now spend more time with computer, iphone, kindle, streaming movies, pinterest and like other programs, especially exercise programs. Can order groceries online. So we make adjustments to our life as we go thru many stages of this journey. I also enjoy Church and Bible Study Groups which helps me tremulously. Hope you will keep blogging , you are interesting with many good ideas to share with us.
Brenda, everyone has said it already, but just to add my appreciation and gratitude for your posts, pictures,Ivy,and originality. Your blog is authentic life.
Brenda, you are so right about adapting. I have strong feet, ankles, and legs. I can stand and walk and go where I please. I have some different things I need to adapt to.
My path has cancer to deal with. The poem below is so helpful to me. Perhaps others would like to consider it as a way to think about their own situations.
What Cancer Cannot Do
Cancer is so limited…
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.
~Author Unknown
Thank you for this poem.
That is beautiful and so true! Thank you for sharing it with us.
You have described so well what we too have been and are living through. Not our choice, but we get to adapt. Trying always to find a few things to be grateful for. I think your location as to friends and neighbors sounds ideal. Your yard area is beautiful. WE too continue trying to find ways to cope and do things differently in order to cope. Dreading when we no longer can manage. Grateful for the doc here who has Summus laser treatments that have SO HELPED us with pain, arthritis and otherwise. Sending you all good wishes as you traverse a similar path to ours.
Brenda, Your blog is the only one I receive since I “met” you many years ago in a Country Sampler issue of you, your beautiful home and your precious little dogs. Your decorating is inspiring and your writing is always interesting with all the little happenings in your day. I’ll always read your blog and I hope you will have relief from the pain. We have cats too and I always enjoy seeing and hearing little stories about beautiful Ivy. Take care!
Long time reader here and will keep reading as long as blog. Don’t comment often but always read. Take care, 🤗
Thank you for being you, Brenda—honest and kind and inspiring!
I love your blog even tho I don’t comment often. I am 76 and my hubby is 80. Our theory is that our bodies were meant to work, and that’s what we do—not like we “used” to work, mind you, but we try to keep moving. We saw what inactivity did to my parents, although they both lived into their 90’s. I hope you can find someone to help with the pain so you can keep moving and feel better.
Wish I could stop by for a piece of cake–such a neighborly gesture!
Sending hugs…Jane in Florida
This was an interesting day. So sorry to hear about tour pain and complications. I had to give up driving in September. That has been a huge adjustment. Friends have driven me places and I have two or three I can call on now. My voice is giving me problems again. The speech therapist told me more than likely it will heal because it did before. That cake sounds delicious.
Brenda,
I won’t leave you. I enjoy your blog so much! Infact, it is the only one I read. I enjoy reading about your life and the everyday things that happen. I enjoy your decorating, gardening, and Ivy! Most of all I just enjoy the everyday mundane things. That is what keeps me coming back! You have so much great advice to give to others and you have helped me in so many ways! Thank You! Have a great evening!
*In fact, oops!
Brenda your blog is interesting to read no matter what you chose to write about. Others have said, and I agree, you write with words that seem to flow so beautifully. Never boring, to me, for sure. A picture of Ivy, the photo of the two jugs, your garden area posted today, all of it is so nice to see, and your heart felt words today touch home with most all of us. I know I am blessed at age 84, and I am able to do most everything I want to, and I don’t take it for granted. I have a few aches and pains, but not anything I have to worry about. I feel so badly for you, but so happy you have moved and found new friends that are so very nice. Maybe your doctor will come up with something that will help you with the pain. We can hope for that, and I hope that Steve will also be on the mend quickly. Maybe when he is better, you will both have a chance to get out for a short ride. Till next time, Hugs from WI
Reading your blog a littler later today but I just had to respond. I agree with Jan being done with fancy blogs with a whole new set of everything’s perfectly displayed every season. The friends you have reading and commenting enjoy reading everyday just like we would check in on a friend everyday. I am not an avid reader like you but we have similar interests and that keeps us connected. I like hearing your day to day going ons. Wishing you a good week.
We age and things change. We do what we can-when we can and send up praise for what we can do.
I am watching my husband decline and his world has become smaller and smaller but he is doing okay mentally….and that is important.
Day by day, Brenda….day by day—-Diana
I’m not going anywhere, Brenda. You’ve been my blogging friend for a loong time. I may not do blog posts often anymore, but I do still read certain blogs on a regular basis, yours included.
I am just so sorry you’re in so much pain with your ankle and back. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away. Life can truly suck sometimes. Big hug to you.
Hi Brenda. I don’t post often, but do enjoy your blog. The eloquence and beauty of your writing is a true gift. I’m sorry you’re living with chronic pain. I have the normal aches and pains of growing older, and my back “goes out” here and there, but for the most part, things are good. Keep writing your wonderful posts, and I hope you’re able to find ways to continue doing what you love, albeit in a modified way. Sending well wishes!
It is what it is. I’ve accepted that. Sometimes I have fairly good days. Some are horrible. But it isn’t going to stop me from doing what I love. Then pain will have won.
Years ago I followed quite a few blogs, but over time they were changing their decor what seemed like every few months and I thought “how can they afford to do that?” I mean with really fancy furniture and accessories – and all of them were young women, not women in their more mature years. Who lives like that unless you’re rich or have sponsors willing to pay for most everything – constantly. Those blogs had no relation to how most people actually live, including me. I gave up on them, dropped them off my list of sites to visit years ago. I can’t imagine dropping your blog. I don’t always comment, and sometimes I may be a day or two late in reading your latest entry. Your blog reflects real life, especially for women who are getting older (but more refined and precious, like fine wine, that’s how I look at it, woo woo!) and who may have some physical/health issues that may slow us down, and cause aches and pains, but doesn’t stop us. I really appreciate the compilations of various websites and blogs you put together weekly, I’ve gotten too lazy to go hunting around on the internet these days for inspiration, and I wouldn’t visit Pinterest either but they send me emails everyday with things they think I might like to look at. And I often do check some things out but again, that’s somebody else doing the work and taking the time to do it instead of me doing it myself 🙂 I also appreciate the garden you’ve worked so hard to build and how beautiful it is. The older I’ve gotten, the more time I’ve spent on my flower beds. When the weather permits I love sitting in my Shezebo and just soaking it all in. It is peaceful, serene, filled with birds, butterflies, squirrels, chipmunks and (unfortunately for my hostas this year) rabbits, in the middle of the city. Most of all, you are a good motivator, “okay, I’ll decorate for autumn, spring, summer” – I don’t need any motivation for Christmas, that is my favorite time of year 🙂 We’re like a community here, I’ve no intention of moving, I like it here.
Oh Jan, you’re so sweet! Sometimes I think of you in your Shezebo watching the wildlife. I envy that. I had the green gazebo for a year before the OK winds blew it to smithereens, and it was so serene to be out of the sun and watching the birds. Thank you!
Brenda I second word for word what Jan has said. I can’t sleep if I don’t check your blog lololol. You have created a little family here.
I do understand about living w pain and adapting – but please indulge me here -I am kindly suggesting to see your primary doc (as a gift to yourself) for a review and some tests that will at least confirm some questions. Walking in a boot for so long can leave your hips/pelvis/lower back all out of alignment – not to mention the effects that inactivity over time can have on your leg/ankle/hip/back muscles, tendons, etc. I am saying this because once you succumb to the pain and say “this is just how it is going to be for me going forward”, your body will continue to get weaker without movement and over time you will continue to lose more and more mobility. At some point you could be wheelchair bound and it’s unlikely to reverse. I have seen this in my extended family. You may never be where you were years ago but you may be able to adapt to or mediate the pain w exercises and keep your independence that much longer.
I agree.
I messaged my doctor this morning actually and informed her of this.
I always read your posts, and always will! I’ve been with you from the very beginning! Is there any way your daughter or Steve or “someone” you know, can take you on drives now and then, to take the photos that you love to do??? It would then not limit you to where you go.. you could go anywhere where there is beautiful nature! I would miss that also, if I couldn’t drive. This post is a good reminder to appreciate everything we have and CAN do.. sometimes we really have to push ourselves, but then the finished job or product is such a good feeling! Have you tried going to a reputable and recommended naturopath? I’ve found that they can help immensely with things we need to boost our energy and motivation… as we age, we come deplete in many vitamins and minerals, and cellular growth.. that could be a positive solution! Take care… Marilyn
A year ago Steve drove me all over and I took photos of old barns and cows and such, and that was nice. Poor Steve passed out and fell in the bathroom the other day and has three broken ribs. My daughters don’t have the time to come here, much less take me somewhere. Kasi will take me to a doctor’s appointment if she can get away. I had that two hour massage, which did nothing. I’ve been going to my chiropractor, and I see him tomorrow and will get laser treatment on my back. He said he’s done about all he can do though and said to get an MRI. I used to have acupuncture. The massage guy’s wife does some sort of treatment. I forget what it is though. Maybe it’s reflexology? So I might try that.
OMG, poor Steve! How is he doing? Has he seen a doctor to determine why he passed out? That’s so scary!! I hope he feels better soon. I’ll keep him in my prayers!
As long as you’re posting many of us will continue to visit you!
Bear in mind that you can only do what you can do. No pressure on yourself; celebrate every accomplishment, Brenda.
This was a wonderful post and reminders for many of us.
Enjoy your visitors dropping by for a slice of cake. I’d be right there, as well.
I bake the cake just to give away, mostly. I want to be a good neighbor. So far the cake has gone to Lisa, John, Peg, and Ron and Pat. I should call Steve and see if he wants any, because there’s very little left. But I think he went to his girlfriend’s place for supper.
Brenda, I enjoy your blog so much. I look forward every day to reading about your plants, your neighbors and your family. Please don’t stop writing !
I’ll never stop writing. I’ve been writing since I was in about third grade. Another thing I should have listed that I’m grateful for is the fact that I checked out library books when I was nine and taught myself to type. My grannie got me a typewriter, which would be a “dinosaur” now.
Oh, Brenda, keep writing! You are such an inspiration. And I love your photos. A few months back I asked you about morning glories. I planted some seeds and they sure looked puny. But I kept babying them and they are blooming. Is there a way I can send you a pic? they are so pretty. The plant still looks anemic, but maybe next year they will look healthier. Thank you for helping us all to be grateful for what we CAN do. I have Fibromyalgia and now have added osteoarthritis to the blend and that means a lot of pain. Not like yours, I think, though. Bless you.
My morning glories looked lush until about a week ago. Still some flowers, but my vine looks like it’s really tired. They are annuals, so you’d have to plant them again next year. At my other place, I had those wild ones that came up every year. Don’t know where they came from. They were purple. Send pics to my email address.
I won’t leave you…I love the words that come out of your mind…that’s why I’m sticking with you!
Well, I’m grateful to have you! I just don’t want to bore anyone with mundane things.
Your leaf clay dishes are so cute—they really are pretty.
I know how it is to have your body fail you. I have heart failure so am short of breath and energy. It irritates me that I cannot do what I use to do and that the least little bit wears me out. I am fortunate to still be in my own home and have the back yard birds and small animals to watch. It gives me much pleasure. I still can feed them and they love it!
My morning glories are still blooming and even the rose bushes are, too. It has been down to 33 degrees so it will be freezing one of these nights.
My leaf dishes won’t look that good. I kind of messed up on the curling of the outsides. I couldn’t get them to look like the photo.
They will be beautiful and uniquely yours and one of a kind masterpieces! I can’t wait to see them!