My List To Slow My Life Down Even More
I’m sitting here enjoying my one cup of decaffeinated coffee for the day.
It is dark outside and raining. As you know, I like these kinds of days. But it would be better if I could hear the rain on the roof and see it come down.
As it is, I have a covered patio and can’t actually see it. Oh well, I’m thankful for the rain. And that is enough.
I wrote about settling into slow living yesterday. Let me tell you the future ways I want to slow my life down to enjoy it to the fullest.
My List:
- I tend to eat fast. I’ve got to work on that. I need to move the food around in my mouth and really taste it before swallowing.
- Learn to become comfortable looking people in the face and smiling at them.
- I don’t have to be so “agreeable.” I am a people-pleaser. And I need to work on that.
- I’m physically having to move more slowly now. Ironically, when I get to the point where I can move faster, I’ll just have to learn to slow down again!
- Self-love is the most important love of all. I need to work on that.
I want to expound on the people-pleasing bit. It must be part of my personality.
If someone sees something in my home and comments on how much they like it, I feel the need sometimes to just give it to them.
Just. Like. That.
Why do I do that? And why don’t I feel like I deserve to keep that which they like because obviously, I like it too?
I never want to put anyone out. None of us do.
But sometimes I need a little extra help, and it’s often hard to verbalize that need.
But how can we be so strong and never need the help of others?
Four months ago when I had ankle surgery, I was pretty helpless. I had to make myself ask for help because I didn’t have any choice.
So why does that feel so uncomfortable?
“You alone are enough, you have nothing to prove to anybody.”
– Dr. Maya Angelou
I can relate to being a “people pleaser” and not wanting to ask for help. I do eat slowly, so there’s that, haha! And, although I appreciate the philosophy of slowing down to be more present in the moment, and to be less stressed, I still want to “do” and experience so many things while I still can.
Your “musings” on life are so very interesting and thought provoking. I see myself in a lot of what you write. The community that has grown here is fabulous, and the comments section is a real gem and I’m always excited to read what others are feeling and thinking. It is a REAL community.
I read an article years ago about asking for help. I can’t fine the article now but try Googling “why asking for help makes others feel good” or something similar to that. It helped me to see asking for help from a different point of view and why it actually can help others feel good too.
My daughter has MS and she tells me she has had to have strangers help her at times. I know it’s our pride that makes it hard for some to ask for help, but maybe we should have a little more faith in people that they will be happy to help us. I have that problem with pride, too, but after hearing how my daughter deals with it, makes me ashamed not to ask for help when I need it. We are supposed to do unto others as they do unto us so we should be able to help and be helped with joy.
I am a slow eater. So much so, that I’m always the last one done in any group setting. The only other person I’ve ever met that eats as slow as me is one of my cousins. We always liked having Thanksgiving dinner together because the two of us would still be eating and talking while the others were done and doing…whatever. Probably already moving onto dessert, lol.
I used to be a people pleaser and still am to just a small extent. I’ve done much better on that over the years and have learned – and am still learning – that it’s ok to say no and to do things you want to do instead of caving in to other’s wishes.
Brenda, such an interesting post. I am sure that most people can agree with at least one things that you mentioned.
I am a people pleaser, especially when it comes to my family. I will do anything from them and sometimes when it is a little too much I get angry. Angry at myself because I know that I am being taken advantage of.
Also feel very guilty if I have something they want, or go somewhere they wanted to go.
We all deserve to be happy, to have things and the sad fact of life is that not everyone will.
Take care Brenda
I used to refer to myself as the peace maker in the family. I just wanted everyone to play nice and get along. Why is that so hard to do in families? My husband’s great grandmother used to chew her food I think 40 times before swallowing it. That’s very hard to do! She lived to be 100.5 and she was never in a hurry and always had time to listen to you. I guess there’s something to be said for slowing down a bit. It seemed to work for her. She was always happy.
Marion McCann,
I so agree with you about removing excess clutter from our lives especially as we get older. I also can relate to reevaluate our lifes as we get older, to remove excess clutter from our minds in order to feel freer and happier. I have found I don’t have the need to buy new things to decorate my house as I did when I was younger. There are so many people/organizations we can give not just our belongings to but volunteer our time to and I have found that is one way to feel freer and happier.
At one point you expressed concern about the blog perhaps he boring. Let me tell you that is certainly not what’s happened! When you write about your inner concerns and things from the past I think many of us are VERY interested because so many of are experiencing the same things. It helps to know we are not alone and invariably between you and the community you have created we find and give answers. Certainly we all have had our personalities affected by individuals and past circumstances in our lives. You , our dear writer, have had a plethora of problems thrown at you at a very early age. However, I and so many others admire you greatly as you have risen above them and created a good life for your daughters and you. Brenda, you are a survivor and you inspire us daily. Keep writing and we’ll keep reading.
I think some of being this way could be due to being the oldest child…the one who was to try to placate the youngers and convince them to do what was right, without any power to make them do that. Also, in our day it was considered proper to do whatever to keep your child from getting a “swelled head”…boy oh howdy was that ever worked on by many parents, including one of mine, who also happened to not like females. I am like you…often giving away things someone says they like. But it is ok to keep a few for ourselves isn’t it? Well, we are all flawed humans (just have a teenager if you doubt that one!!) Most of us doing our best to be good and kind and helpful. I am so glad you landed in a spot with a lot of helpful nice folks!! Sure could use a few more where we live!!
Yes, I’m very fortunate to live in a place with like-minded individuals. And I’m especially lucky to have my wonderful next door neighbor Steve, who has helped me so much before and after ankle surgery.
There’s a really great book called The Disease To Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome by Harriet B. Braiker. Here’s a link to it: https://www.amazon.com/Disease-Please-Curing-People-Pleasing-Syndrome/dp/0071385649. There’s even a simple quiz to discover what type of people-pleaser you are. I highly recommend the book, if you are interested. It’s freeing. It helps one to finally see a more balanced way of living that takes others into consideration, but puts the emphasis first on pleasing yourself and gaining your own approval. No we don’t always have to be so “agreeable” and I do concur that self love is the clearest path to health and happiness. I enjoyed both of your posts on slow living.
Thanks for the link!
The first commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself.
Of course, you need to love yourself. Your goals sound fine.
Have a good day.
Another thought-provoking post, Brenda! I love it for what you’ve written but additionally because it made pause and think!
I grew up fearing judgement and seeking acceptance! Nothing I ever did was good enough – there was always a “but” when I was given an atta girl. So, I live every day of my life fighting that huge dark cloud that hangs over my head.
I live a very quiet and simple life doing things that make me smile and fill my heart with joy. If I can do that every day, then I count it as a very good day.
I’m going to share one more little tidbit. I moved into my little home exactly three years ago and have yet to decorate it. Why? Well, it’s that fear of judgement. I know I don’t have to please anyone but myself and yet…
And isn’t that unfortunate that how you felt as a child is like a stain that spread over your whole life? Children hear things they are never able to forget.
Yes, yes and yes!!! Thank you!!!
Another post that resonates with me – even the eating too fast! I love your list and know just what you mean about the people pleasing. When doing that, we can too easily lose our own identity.
Love Teri’s comments and her so kind and pleasant ways to help you from giving up your own possessions – some folks have such a knack for saying the right things.
Hugs all around on this rainy day – gray and just a bit showery here near Phila.
Teri is one smart cookie!
I was reading a story about the Hocus Pocus cast and Bette Midler had a chef that told them to chew their food 30 times before swallowing. Try it Brenda! It’s very hard, I get to 25 and swallow most of the time, but I am making an effort to slow down eating too. I think it helps my digestive system if I do.
I will try that.
I speak my mind esp if I’m defending someone and I know I’m right. I don’t like gossip and I let ppl know I don’t want to hear it!
I feel guilty buying things for myself, I always have. My grands always tell me that I deserve things I want too!
I have this big rooster with a chalkboard that I put puppy clothes on for every season. Someone always tells me that they like it and some ppl have even ask how much money I want for it. I said I like it too and it’s not going anywhere! Lol Same with my old car I have, everybody wants to take it off my hands! Ppl stop and have come in my yard to loook at it, so much that I’m getting more sarcastic bc I’m sick of it! Lol Can’t ppl take the hint!
So Brenda, u deserve nice things too that make u happy! I know it’s a great feeling giving something to someone else too! If u really take joy in what u bought for yourself, than keep it bc it was intended for u in the first place! Even if u feel alittle bit guilty keeping it! Yup, that’s how I feel sometimes, but enjoy it for yourself then if u don’t want it anymore, than give it away. That’s what I do and it’s words of wisdom from my grands! Keep and do what brings u joy and what makes u happy first!
I’m still working on having ppl help me do things bc I don’t like to ask for help, it makes me feel helpless!
My daughter’s bf and his friend raked up my leaves in my front yard yesterday. Although it was much appreciated I felt guilty, like I should be raking and not them! But I help them out too, so it’s not one sided. I’ve always been a do it by self girl and stubborn like my parents are. Lol They still tell me I’m stubborn and I tell them I got it from both of them! I try to do everything myself!
One of the twins told me one day that she noticed I don’t like to ask for help for anything, but it’s ok to ask. I told her I can get it done faster than waiting around. She told me I was stubborn but she still loves me! Lol Kids they tell it like it is and hold nothing back!
It’s raining here too and it feels very dreary, damp and cold! I’d rather have the sun shining instead. I guess I’ll bake something yummy on this crappy day today!
I think I hear my daughter’s puppy on my porch again. Yesterday she was on my porch by the door, waiting for me to come outside. Lol Never a dull moment around here, but I wouldn’t have it any other way!
And it baffles me as to why we feel guilty accepting help, but I do it too.
Your car must be quite an attraction to them! Mine is about to be 17 years old and on the outside it shows. All those little dings from parking lots.
You have so many beautiful things in your home and I know personally of your generosity, but when someone admires something in your home, just tell them that it’s a favorite of yours too, where you got it, or if it’s something you made you could tell them what they would need to make it and offer them your talent to do it. Then you would both be happy! Another great post! And on another note, isn’t the rain today wonderful? Just what we need, slow, steady, soaking rain. Happy dance!
I love the rain, and that’s great advice!
What a wonderful post. It speaks to me. I’m 78 and have found myself the past couple of years re-evaluating my life and how I wish to live my remaining years. I’ve removed excess clutter from my home and my mind and feel freer and much happier. As you know, it’s an ongoing process but one worth pursuing. Thank you for all your thoughtful posts.
An ongoing process for ongoing life.
I have been and still am a people pleaser, and I do not like to offend anyone so often I do not give an alternative opinion. I really think most people would appreciate it if I did speak my mind, they probably think it is very boring if one agrees with everything they say.
I know just how you feel…