I wasn’t going to post today. But then I started seeing all these Father’s Day posts.

And I realized that I had a story to tell, even if it is short.

I never met my father. Never heard his voice. 

(Me as a baby)
He is a shadow in my shadow-filled life. One of those gray areas that have never taken on a shape.

You can’t miss what you never had. But you can certainly feel sadness at what you never got to experience. 

I have some pictures a distant relative who found me on Ancestry.com sent to me some years ago. 

He was tall and thin. I have peered long and hard into these photographic treasures, looking for myself in his face, his eyes, his smile. 

I don’t know what led him to do what he did. What faultiness clouded his judgment. 

There is nothing to remember. Nothing to forget. I suppose I should take solace in that. 

For those of you with fathers, hug them close and tell them that you love them. Sure, mistakes were made and there were tough times. For no life is punctuated with perfection.

My philosophy is: I forgive him. And my mother. If I didn’t, I’d only bring myself agony. 

I have a deep and abiding feeling that they were not capable of being parents. To me or my five other siblings strewn hither and yon. 

Sad that we don’t know one another, my siblings and I. 

But that was how my parents played it: fast and loose. And one child got taken away right after the other. Scattered across many states.

I just hope that today, my siblings, wherever they may be, realize that it was not their fault. 

It was never ever our fault.

Though I’m sure, like me, they have asked themselves “why” many, many times.

Especially on days like this one.

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  1. I appreciate it when you write about such experiences from the past. It makes the beauty you create in your home and on your blog that much more amazing. In your life, you acknowledge the dark moments but don't let them keep you from seeking the light. You keep your face to the sun just like your flowers do, and it is an inspiration. Thank you.

  2. Sometimes holidays can be the hardest days of all…just like you said, Father's Day for the fatherless, or for those missing their dads who have passed (my dad passed away 17-1/2 years ago), or for those fathers who have lost their child (my husband). Hugs to you.

  3. Brenda, Have you ever tried to find your siblings, how were you the one that stayed with your grandparents, I think you have mentioned that, did they never come back to see their parents, but look what you became out of all of the things you went through you are a very smart talented person, your a survivor, I pray that the rest of your life will be filled with peace and all the things that might haunt you from the best will not effect your future anymore. I know this is painful to write about, I had a good dad but he has been gone thirty years and I feel like I was cheated also, it's just life and what was handed to us, it's were we go with it, I know something's are painful to write about but these are the stories I love to read on your blog because they are real it's like reading a book I wish one day you would start from the beginning of your life until now and write about it you could probably publish it, you are such a wonderful writer, I had a learning problem in school and some of it I can't get sorted out, how long did you know your Mom. Bless you Brenda!

  4. Brenda,
    Your are indeed a special, gracious and forgiving lady…one of the few I know! I lost my Dad when I was just 21 years old…he was the light of my life and I miss him every day…I wish you had someone to call "Dad". Hugs to you Honey!

  5. Brenda, you are indeed the wisest woman I have ever 'known'. Your brilliance truly amazes me and has changed my life in many ways. I have learned the act of forgiveness from you and I thank you for that.

    My gosh, you were an adorable baby. Thinking of you…

  6. Brenda the posts you write are your best! Iknow today is a sad day for you. It is for me too but in a different way. I did know my dad but I lost him at the age of sixteen. I miss him more as the years go by. I wish you would consider looking for your siblings…just a thought to consider.

  7. Oh, Brenda, I'm so sorry. I know you've had many hurts in your life. Who knows the whys sometime but you've done the best thing – forgive. That is hard to do.
    Shelia 😉

  8. I am sorry to hear that you don't have any memories of your dad. If he wasn't a good dad then maybe it's for the best. You were probably spared a lot of heartache then.

  9. So much of life is random. How we handle the cards we are dealt says a lot about our character. You've been dealt more than your fair share of bad hands. Having that many siblings but not knowing any through no fault of your own is tragic.

  10. No of course it was not your fault and forgiveness is the only way to free yourself which you have done, very wisely

    I did not have a good relationship with my father at ALL! I was so glad when my parents divorced it wasn't even funny.

    Years later I wanted to have closure, do the forgiveness thing, etc. So I contacted him and we had a few get-togethers but it was pretty much the same. While none of the strictness / religious abuse or what-have-you could be present since I was now an adult, it still felt as if the STORK dropped me into the wrong family so we lost contact again.

    I was fortunate to have a wonderful grandfather. But the whole father relationship ..no. Not as a child and not when I tried as an adult. So sometimes what you were missing, you'd still be missing and it's best to move on I guess.

  11. Brenda, at my age I still have both of my parents, and I realize how blessed I am to still have them. I am so sorry you have this pain. You are a beautiful person and its your parents loss for not knowing you! I am glad our paths have crossed. Hugs. Sheila

  12. I'm sorry you never met your father, Brenda. My father was an abusive alcoholic. Sometimes I wish I had never known him….but he is gone now and I did forgive him.

  13. You could have had a father and ' that Man' might have raised you, but Never showed You Love…
    Was cruel and physically and physiologically abusive…so much so that as an Adult, you are still
    Left with Mental Scars…
    So even though your father left…as sad and horrible as one can imagine doing that to a child..
    It could have been far worse if he had stayed.

  14. Have you tried finding them? My grandmother was adopted along with a sister. My grandmother was almost 99 years old when she found her sister. They were living 26 miles from each other and didn't know it. They did get to meet each other and I really don't know if they visited often or if old age prevented visits. I do enjoy your blog. I have tried to post many times before and it would never let me get through. I'm trying again but I don't expect it to work.

  15. God bless you,Brenda. We never really know the depths of another's pain—even if we have experienced something similar ourselves-for each person processes hurt in a different way. You have done yourself proud by becoming the woman you are today…..

  16. I'm glad you shared this, Brenda, and that you are telling your story. Holidays and days that honor special people are often hard for many. It is good that you are able to realize that your family probably did the best they could have done at the time and that it was never your fault. We all have different stories, but mine wasn't a storybook tale, either. We do our best to forgive and move on. Thanks for your wise words today.

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