Not Feeling Bound By Convention
Today I want to talk about women not feeling bound by convention or other people’s expectations.
But first I want to thank you for all your kind sentiments. Some of you recently lost a loved one. One of you just lost your father last week.
No, I won’t be going to the funeral. And it is today. The girls relocated their dad here when he became sick. He isn’t actually from here. So the funeral is not going to be in Tulsa.
As a child I recall that we went to many funerals. My great-grandmother lost friends and neighbors and it was customary to attend the funerals. It was a social event.
It took me many years to realize that I didn’t have to do what others might expect me to do.
I think women sometimes forget that they have the right to do as they wish. To make decisions for themselves that might go against what others think.
Especially when it comes to family.
It’s not like that for men. More seems to be expected of women. And they may feel guilty if they don’t carry out those expectations.
When A Woman Is Truly Alone:
There is a time in a woman’s life when she truly has to do things alone. As when it comes to childbirth.
You might have a partner, but it isn’t that person who is birthing the baby. Who is feeling those labor pains. It is you.
If a man decides not to be there for the birth, that is his choice. You don’t have a choice.
So other than your “participation” in childbirth, you don’t have to be bound by what is customary.
I decided some years ago that I don’t really have to follow what is considered “conventional rules.” I’m not bound by them. They are not set in cement.
Gender Roles & Being Conventional:
What is considered conventional is primarily what others expect of you. You can play that game if you want to.
And I certainly did this for a long time. I didn’t even voice a thought as to what I wanted. I guess I didn’t think it was allowed.
But we are not bound by what others want us to do. It is not written in stone.
We are not obligated to raise our children the way parents or in-laws want us to. These are the decisions on how to raise them; what to instill in them.
Do for your children, and then when they grow up and have families of their own, do as you wish.
If you don’t want to cook Thanksgiving dinner as your mother or husband’s mother did, then don’t. If you’d rather go on a hike with a sandwich in a paper sack, then go on a hike.
Don’t be a slave to other people’s conventional way of thinking. Or what is considered the appropriate gender role.
Make your own choices and stick by them. Life is too short to do what everyone else wants or expects you to do.
Amazing post today Brenda. Lots to think about. Couldn’t agree with you more. This past Christmas my daughter who lives quite a distance from me, told me she was making something quick for Christmas dinner instead of the tedious conventional turkey dinner. As she works full time like a lot of young moms she wanted more time to just relax with the kids and play with their new games. I told her this was a terrific idea and after the fact she was very happy on her choice. When my kids were young, I never saw this as an option as sad as that sounds….very proud of my daughter.
My mother hated funerals. When she was a little girl her father made her kiss her deceased grandmother’s face. She was horrified by this and didn’t want to do it, but my grandfather forced her. She had nightmares for years. She told us that when she died she did not want a funeral. We honored her wishes, but there were people who didn’t get it.
Condolences to your daughters, may they find peace and healing.
Yes, making our own choices bolsters our confidence and self-worth and there is nothing wrong in making new traditions which does not automatically mean we are going against expected traditions. Oftentimes the change we choose is what is best for us and fuels our continued growth through life, regardless of our age.
I will say that I know of no one who likes funerals but I remind myself that while it may be a very nice celebration of life, it is also an opportunity for the living to accept their grief and know it is ok for their healing to progress, allowing for closure as needed. There is no wrong or right, there is what is best for each of us as well as what is best for those we care about.
There is no such thing as a perfect woman, although we who were raised in the 1950s and 1960s were taught that was so – or at least something to strive for. Our “models” were Donna Reed (as Donna Stone on her TV show), Jane Wyatt as the mom on “Father Knows Best,” and Barbara Billingsley as the mom on “Leave It to Beaver.” Even back then I thought there was something very wrong with those shows. None of those moms worked outside the home like my mom did in order for she and my dad to feed six of us and keep those ugly old rental flat roofs over our heads. My mom never wore a fancy dress and pearls when cooking, her hair was usually a mess and her apron was usually dirty. Dads also never cooked in those shows, although my dad did – he actually was a better cook than mom. There was never any hint of financial struggle in those TV households, no used furniture or four daughters sharing one bedroom on two sets of second hand bunk-beds. Some of us learned early that what was on television and what was real life were worlds apart. Beaver’s dad may have told him that he would have to stand up tall, be proud of himself and work hard for what he wanted in life, but would he have told that to his daughters if he’d had any on that show? Probably not. And to think so many people still want the 1950s to be the model of living for women these days. Oh my.
We have avoided funerals if we could. We neither one have ever felt comforted by such…maybe some do. I think we honor our parents by however we live our day-to-day lives. Not a short little service. Any rate, our kids all know we do NOT want any kind of service ourselves. And to be quickly put into the ground. And for them to do however it comforts them.
Elizabeth
I love this post! Thank you ever so much. Sometimes the things we grew up with …our thoughts or expectations of life, as well as others’ expectations of the what is supposedly “the norm”, (or maybe not norm) can make us feel inadequate; although, not being of our choice or how life turned out for us as adults. :0)… ! We can just be the best person we think we can be and try to be happy! That is who we must live with and its between us and God above who gets it. :0)
A wonderful post:-) you are so right.
Wonderful post. I agree with you whole heartedly and you’ve expressed my beliefs so much better than I could. My sympathy to your daughters.
I wholeheartedly agree with your sentiments and thoughts, Brenda!
Absolutely positively 100% agree!
Continued prayers for you and your family at this time. Grief means you had love. I so agree with your thoughts today. Take time to take care of yourself.