On Monday I picked up Abi’s ashes. Hard to believe that that bundle of energy and mischief is contained in one small carved box.
I think it takes awhile to sink in. Losing someone you love. Instead of dimming in my memory, I am assailed with images of her. Which I both cherish and mourn.
Don’t let anyone try to convince you that losing a pet is easier than losing a person. I think maybe it’s worse because a pet is with us every single day. And if you live alone, that’s huge.
Charlie started acting weird hours after I brought her ashes home. He went under the bed and under low furniture and furiously scratched just like Abi would when a fly was inside. I never found the fly.
Then he acted like he had an upset tummy. He was lethargic. Of course my mind spun all kinds of fears that something could be wrong with him and I might lose him too.
Yesterday he was still acting strange. He didn’t want to eat or drink. I finally got him to eat a bit of his prescription food.
I panicked and called the vet just before they closed. They said go get plain Pedialyte and give it to him in a syringe. So off I raced to Walgreens. I forced the Pedialyte down him.
I waited a bit and then called the vet’s cell number and he said give it to him every few hours. I did that until we slept.
Now he won’t let me anywhere near him for fear I will force fluid down his throat.
This morning I was physically and mentally exhausted. His appointment for a consultation with the acupuncturist is late this afternoon. I’d thought I’d get up and take him to his regular vet early because I’m worried about him.
But then I just stopped myself.
Who am I really trying to help? Him or me? I think back to Abi’s little withering body, dragging her to the vet each day for fluids. And it didn’t do any good. If I’d known then what I know now, would I have just let her be with me and not put her through it?
I don’t know. I don’t know. I can’t seem to think straight. Am I just in a panic because of grief?
Charlie seems better this morning. His back doesn’t seem to be bothering him. I haven’t given him a pain pill in a few days because he wasn’t really eating much, and he isn’t limping.
I haven’t forced fluids down him this morning.
Charlie doesn’t do well going out. He shakes and is terrified. I don’t know if I can put him through that today.
Should I just cancel this appointment and let him be for awhile?
You have always helped me. Please help me now with your thoughts and ideas. I really really need that now.