I woke this morning to the distant sound of growling thunder. Like a watch dog separated by a door from a stranger on the other side, letting them know danger is waiting for them.
I love the quiet rainy day mornings like this. Like the world has been washed brand new.
The patio plants are busy sucking up nature’s own special brand of nourishment.
And Charlie is dozing next to me on his bed. From time to time, he gets up and lays down on the other side of me.
My sweet, sweet boy.
When I gaze into purple flowers, it is like walking deep into a forest with tall trees filtering out most of the sun.
Purple flowers just have a calming influence over me.
A delivery guy just knocked on my door.
Two books arrived: “It All Falls Down” by Sheena Kamal and “Splinter In The Blood” by Ashley Dyer.
I finished a wonderful book last night. “Not Her Daughter” by Rea Frey.
I’m not familiar with this author, but I will be looking into other books she’s written. Because I so admire her writing.
A blurb from Amazon…
Emma Townsend. Five years old. Gray eyes, brown hair. Missing since June.
Emma is lonely. Living with her cruel mother and clueless father, Emma retreats into her own world of quiet and solitude.
Sarah Walker. Successful entrepreneur. Broken hearted. Kidnapper.
Sarah has never seen a girl so precious as the gray-eyed child in a crowded airport terminal. When a second-chance encounter with Emma presents itself, Sarah takes her—far away from home. But if it’s to rescue a little girl from her damaging mother, is kidnapping wrong?
Amy Townsend. Unhappy wife. Unfit mother. Unsure whether she wants her daughter back.
Amy’s life is a string of disappointments, but her biggest issue is her inability to connect with her daughter. And now Emma is gone without a trace.
As Sarah and Emma avoid the nationwide hunt, they form an unshakeable bond. But what about Emma’s real mother, back at home?
This is one of those books that, upon first glance, seems to stretch reality a bit too far.
But believe me, when you read it, it becomes quite real. The entire book is mesmerizing.
It shows the good and bad in two women. They’re not all good, and they’re not all bad.
I have never seen a writer working with this dichotomy express the duality of a conflict so well. While at the same time helping the reader to understand why each woman chose to do what she did.
And beyond that, how she could live with those choices.
I had several thoughts about grief this morning when I first woke up.
The first one is that, with time, loss, which turns into grief, eventually shifts from right in front of you to the rear view mirror.
When you’re driving down the street and something is right in front of you, it’s in full view. There is no getting around it. There is no closing your eyes because you’re driving a vehicle and must not crash.
But grief in the rear view mirror is a bit different.
You’re driving while looking ahead, being a careful driver through life. But from time to time you will look into your rear view mirror. And there it is.
Always there when you shift your eyes to the rear view mirror.
The other analogy that came to me: You walk with bare feet onto a surface covered in tiny bits of broken glass. The pain is immediate and unfiltered. Blood begins to flow.
But if you happen to have socks on, the pain is not as bad. There is a slight cushion. Pain with a bit of a buffer.
One of the definitions of buffer: a temporary memory area in which data is stored while it is being processed or transferred.
And isn’t that what the process of grief is? A temporary place where the pain is stored while it is being processed. And finally transferred to memory. Where the pain is always there but lessened.
I think perhaps I am moving into a place, another phase, that I will call “grief in the rear view mirror.”
The pain is real. It is there. A constant.
But I feel as though I have socks on, and it is not piercing as deeply into my skin anymore. It doesn’t draw quite as much blood.
Life is a journey. There are highs and there are lows. Loss hits you like a ton of bricks. There is no way to avoid it.
There is absolutely no way to avoid the pain that loss brings. You just have to endure it.
But life does not stop while you grieve. The clock keeps right on ticking.
What is that saying by John Lennon?
Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans. – John Lennon