It’s halfway nice out this morning. Overcast and quiet.

As I was eating my cereal sitting near the patio door, I saw a hummingbird hover over the morning glories on the fence. I reached for my camera, but it was too late. The hummingbird had flown away.

Yesterday I saw a female cardinal hopping around on the patio furniture.

I feel a little down today. So far those purifiers aren’t helping Charlie. Maybe I haven’t given them enough time.

Hearing him cough and choke and not knowing what to do is the most helpless feeling. I don’t know what else to do.

Yesterday I let him out on the patio and stood like I always do right at the patio doors waiting for him. I always watch him when he’s out. And I leaned my head against the wood of the French doors and succumbed to tears of frustration and sadness.

I can’t cry in front of him and get him upset. So I took those few minutes and just allowed those tears to cleanse and loosen that tight feeling in my gut. A few minutes later he wanted back in and I was right as rain.

Well, maybe not right as rain. But I put on the best face I could.

There is a weariness that takes over when you’ve done all you know to do and it isn’t making much of a difference.

Then this morning I turned on this computer and immediately saw the news for the last 24 hours and was saddened again.

You can’t go anywhere now without worrying you’ll get mowed down by a semi-automatic weapon.

How sad is that?

The sedum autumn joy is forming little blooms.

Last night I watched 2 more episodes of “Rectify.” Soon I’ll have watched them all as I’m in the fourth season. Then I started reading another book.

I haven’t read much of it yet, but it’s about a woman who teaches at a private school and seems to have reached her limit of patience with almost everyone. She is truculent and mouthy and not about to take anything from anyone.

I won’t know why till I read a bit more. Something has obviously happened to make her feel this way. Some despondency that isn’t evident as of yet. Or pent-up anger she can’t release.

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18 Comments

  1. I am so sorry about Charlie..its so hard when we can’t do much to help..or rather doesn’t help what we do. I have a Chihuaha with COPD..so she gets good and then bad..The vet thinks she could have an enlarged heart but we just treat the COPD for now..and it usually does ok. She, too, has a cough at times. :9( … Your French Door patio view is very lovely…looks like a magazine shot. :0) . There is much evil in today’s world..so sad and scary…. I hope you have your babies sleep well tonight. I so enjoy your blog ..I feel it is a little novel about day to day life..and I am not one to read novels..only short stories and magazines..so this is great…thank you.

  2. Brenda, I don’t think you could be doing more than you are -or dear Charlie. It may take some time -or the air puri-iers to do their job to -ull capacity, though. I know the helpless -eeling when you just can’t see what else to do. I remember going through that with my dear Tavi dog be-ore he died. It’s a sad and heavy-hearted place to be. And hard to accept that maybe there is nothing more to be done.

    I wonder i- vets ever recommend any type o- breathing treatments -or dogs like human patients sometimes get. That just occurred to me, but don’t know i- it would be appropriate in Charlie’s case.

    Well, hang in there as best you can and know that we all are thinking about you and wishing the best -or sweet Charlie.

  3. I’m so sorry for your pain Brenda. We had a cocker spaniel named Charlie. She coughed and coughed. I just couldn’t stand her suffering anymore. We had to make that awful decision to put her down. One of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make, but I knew her quality of life was awful. Sometimes we have to think of them and not ourselves. Its hard but you have to do what’s best for your little guy. I will be keeping you both in my prayers.
    Hugs to you both

  4. Hi Brenda,
    When my mother was dieing of congestive heart failure, coughing was one of her symptoms. Once she was up an entire night with coughing.
    It’s hard to watch someone you love suffer.
    Please go easy on yourself. You’ve done all you can.
    All the best,
    Maryann Z.

  5. Sometimes truculent and mouthy are required and not a sign of dysfunction in a woman! Why do people automatically assume that when a man is truculent and mouthy he’s a BOSS but a woman is sick in her head or heart or has something “wrong” with her! Argggghhhhh! The news has got me down too, so I’ve been doing double-time outside trying to ignore the bigger evil nasty vicious world in favor of my tiny little queendom here, surrounded by my squirrels, my birds, my flowers, trees, shrubs and very green grass because I’m that obsessive about it! I’m sure somebody has said this eons ago, but there is a form of redemptive power in paying attention to nature. Now, with my purple cone flowers and milkweed, I’m seeing butterflies including Monarchs! in numbers I haven’t seen in years. Honey bees too. I am so happy and thrilled about that. Your garden, too provides a place of refuge, food, and regeneration for all kinds of wildlife. Living with Charlie, old age is hard to deal with in any of our loved ones, whether human or not. There is only so much one can do, and the rest is up to God or Mother Nature or whatever one believes in. I know you are giving him absolutely the best life he could ever have with anyone, whatever is possible is what you’ve done and then gone even beyond. That, and loving him like you do is what is best for him. Take each day as it comes. Yes, I know how hard it is, many of your readers have gone through the same grueling, anxious, exhausting and heart-breaking process of nursing along an elderly and sick dog or other pet for as long as possible, until the day comes when you know… At the risk of sounding foolishly like I’m stating the obvious, you have every right to feel what you are feeling and experiencing all of the emotions, complicated as they are, that you are having right now going through this with Charlie. I think all of us wish that we could be there with you and help you in person, but for most of us, all we can give you is our heart-felt words. We are with you, Brenda. We are with you.

  6. Poor Charlie. Sounds like maybe he is having congestive heart failure symptoms. I cannot remember if you said the Vet diagnosed him with that. That can happen in older dogs. Big hugs to Charlie. Hope he feels better. The news is so depressing and I worry about our little grand kids what kind of world they are growing up in. So sad. You know they say a cardinal is someone coming back that has passed that has been close to you. Maybe that is Abi coming back to say Hi and let you and Charlie know she is around you always. Have a good Sunday.
    Kris

  7. I’m coping with my little 13 year old yorkie, Dixie, who has been diagnosed with a bad heart and the medicine gave her so many runs, the vet said to stop it. She’s on one other pill, which is tiny, but what a chore to get her to swallow it. I tried dissolving it, but felt too much was being lost in the process. She’s a real sweetie, but she’s not eating anything and at 7 1/2 lbs, that isn’t going to last. I keep asking myself why she isn’t eating, just about a tablespoon of milk a day. I have to make some tough decisions in the near future and think of her sweet self and not myself. I have no idea if she is in pain. Don’t you wish they could talk?? Her sweet innocence is so heartbreaking.

    1. This may be something you alteady know, but when our fur daughter was in this predicament, our Vet suggested Pill Pockets, made by Greenies. The pill goes inside a yummy treat that you close around the pill (it’s like Play Doh), and our girl wolfed them down ’til she just got too sick.

      We got ours at PetSmart, but I’ve seen them at Walmart, too. Hope this helps!

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