It is sunny this morning. We had a freeze last night, so the patio plants are looking beleaguered.
I kind of feel the same way this morning. My joints hurt due to the cold. My hands feel like someone stepped on them.
I can’t find my newest wrist brace I bought last Sunday. They wear out fairly quickly if you wear them a lot.
I’ve looked all over the apartment. Maybe Ivy dragged it off somewhere.
It seems like we didn’t have much of a fall season. The leaves are just now starting to fall to the ground.
It has been this way the past few years. I love fall and wish there was more time to enjoy it.
I’d much rather enjoy what I see outside my door. The leaves turning and the light shifting as it shapes itself into another season.
I think Ivy must be the most immodest creature I’ve ever seen. She loves to lay on her back.
Right now she’s scooting a toy around the floor. I think it might be the pumpkin stem from my decorative pumpkin that I can’t find.
Wherever it was now she’s obviously found it again.
My Sweet Abi Girl:
Six months ago today I lost my sweet Abi girl. I told myself I wouldn’t mention her today. But it seems I cannot hold that promise to myself.
I still haven’t taken her ashes out of the drawer. I can’t bring myself to look at that little box.
Such a tiny box to hold what was a living, breathing bundle of energy.
Another reason is that I don’t know if the ashes will still affect Charlie as they did when I first brought them home.
“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.”
I know I won’t have Charlie forever and that thought brings tears to my eyes and fear to my being.
Charlie is coughing this morning. I gave him his medicine as soon as I got up. Maybe it’s the cold getting to all of us.
Every time Charlie starts coughing, I cringe. I ache. I wonder if it hurts, if he’s afraid. I know I am.
He’s my sturdy little soldier. Never far from my side. Always loving and loyal.
And every time he struggles to get his breath I am holding my own.
What is it about love that holds us hostage? That weaves its way into our hearts and has us glowing when we hold it close.
When The Light Goes Out:
But when the one we love is taken away, the lights go out.
And we sit in the cold dark cellar shivering, waiting to feel alive again.
I guess I’m lucky in some ways. I’ve never had many people in my life. Therefore I haven’t lost many.
I’ll probably go to my grave never seeing my siblings. I’ll never know my parents. I never felt their love.
My children are grown up and my pets are now my babies. I think I have grieved for Abi more than I’ve ever grieved before.
But I come out of that dark cellar for longer periods now. I step out of the shadows and stand in the sunlight now and then. Where I feel the warmth of the sun caressing my face.
I can smile and laugh now.
But then I look at Abi’s photo and still I fall apart. I wonder if there will ever be a time when I can look at her photo and not cry?
Make no mistake. I love Ivy Lou. But you can’t replace one love for another.
Love & Grief Go Hand In Hand:
The filling of your heart with love for one does not take away the aching grief for another.
If you love, you will eventually also grieve.
There are times when I just need to write about Abi; remember Abi, pay homage to her.
She was my baby girl and will forever and always be my baby girl.
And what kind of person would I be if I willingly let the memory of her slip away?
Some people hold themselves stiff and stoic, resisting the grief. But all they’re doing is prolonging the pain.
Grief is normal.
You can no more hold grief at arm’s length than you can fly to the moon.
“I used to think that I could never lose anyone if I photographed them enough. In fact, my pictures show me how much I’ve lost.”