Love has a way of winding itself around your heart, that beating heart, where it tugs at your heartstrings.

Loss is what I feel now. Along with that fierce maternal love.

Where do I put it now? That vast and immeasurable body of love that I felt each time I gazed at Gracie’s little face.

I feel the weight of all the images flashing through my brain. They come, unbidden, and I look at each one and remember her.

Sweet little Gracie with her big blue eyes.

Holding Onto The Images I Have Of Her:

Now I just want to grab those images while I can and close my eyes and try to pin them to my eyelids.

I wish those pictures would come alive and we’d have more time together. Years and years of time.

The heavy weight of loss is what I feel when I think of my little Gracie Mae, just 10 months old, and gone too soon.

Of course we’d make many more memories along the way.

That’s what I envisioned with Gracie Mae. Years of loving her and taking care of her.

Gathering wonderful little stories about her along the way. Funny little anecdotes about her that I’d tell people around me, and we’d laugh.

The memories are still so fresh in my mind. I just want to reach up and grab hold of them so they don’t fade too fast.

Just A Flower Bud:

Little Gracie was just a flower bud when she came to me. Then she grew into a blossom. And before she became a flower she was gone.

Gracie died too soon. Way, way too soon.

When I walked into the bedroom that night and found her still-warm body, I fell to the floor next to her and cried, “No, no, no, no, no!”

How could it be? Why, why, why did it happen?

Such a little body lying there on the floor. A kitty that was so active and funny and sweet. Just lying there so very still.

There are now and never will be any answers.

The finality and shock will of course be with me for a long time. The loss, the loss of that sweet kitten, is almost unbearable.

Gracie Was A Gift:

This stone in my heart is heavy and weighs me down. But I keep telling myself: “Living with and loving Gracie was a gift, however short the time with her was.”

The Heavy Weight Of Loss: this quote about kittens being angels with whiskers

Yesterday I kept thinking: If only I had a garden to go into. To walk among the plants and reach down and pluck a spent flower.

To do something with my hands that would help my brain slow down. Something that might bring me just a measure of peace.

I’ve always gone to my garden and grieved there. Because a garden is where I feel closest to those who I lived with and loved, and then they’re inexplicably gone.

It is the place I like to go to heal. Where I can smell the pungent herbs and maybe break off a stem to take inside with me.

The gentle purr you hear on the breeze cat loss quote

My Gardens:

Gracie never got to look out the window or patio door and see me in my garden. And watch the birds flitter around the trees and tall plants.

I didn’t get to look up and see her little face watching me from inside.

In the mornings I would hear that scratchy meow of hers that said she was hungry. She would wind her little body around my ankles until I got her food prepared.

I’ll never feel that furry little body again and I want to pound the walls in indignation.

Gracie will rest in that special garden in my heart where my beloved pets will live on forever.

A precious little bloom that never got to become a flower.

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47 Comments

  1. I am so unbelievably sad for your loss. Gracie was a beautiful blue eyed girl and a beautiful little soul. Hugs and Love to you.

  2. Gracie was a gift to you, as you were to her. I understand your pain, as I’ve lost several beloved pets. Sending much love to you.

  3. Brenda, I lost my “first fur child”(I do not have human children) Munchen 7 years ago. I miss her still, in fact I have her face as a screen saver on my iPad. I remember when I got her as a gift and fell in love with her. I whispered in her ear every night “please live forever” alas she did not but I had 14 years and 10 months. Now I have three other pups to keep me company but I still miss my girl.

    You are an amazing mom to these sweet kitties and pups and I am sorry for each of your losses. I am holding you in my heart and prayers. Sending you a hug Brenda.

    Take care and hold your memories in your heart and mind. Gracie was a special little cat and she brought so much joy to you and to us.

  4. We lost three cats in recent years. Well, our present cat has been here 10 years but it still seems recent. We had a cat who on his first night cuddled up to my daughter’s back to comfort her scoliosis. And he played a game with her to make her laugh. Other than that he protected me from big dogs. Miss him so much. Two other cats kept my daughter company in her room. They loved each other and played a lot. I know they are all in heaven together. So I imagine Gracie is there too. Can anyone imagine Jesus not giving space to those lovely beings? They probably are on His right hand.

  5. Gracie was definitely a unique-looking little blue-eyed beauty and I know you are missing her terribly. I am glad you are able to share your feelings of grief and loss with all of us. It is exactly what you need to do and I know I and your other readers are glad to receive them and be part of your healing journey.

    Gracie’s loss and the loss of your beautiful garden are tied together, too , I think. You are really grieving for both. The hardest part is walking the path of loss until you no longer need to do so. Sometimes it seems like a never-ending path, but so important not to take a shortcut. I wish I knew some special way for you to ease the pain and grief, but I do not. Please know that we walk the path with you, though. Peace and healing tho’ts to you, Brenda.

    1. I think I may have to pick up a couple of already flowering pots of flowers around the time I usually plant, which is April 15. I think maybe that will help.

  6. From your description, how Gracie was found re blood in her mouth, to us it could have been a rare cancer.
    I’m surprised you didn’t ask the vet to do an autopsy.
    That, most likely, would have given you the answers to Gracie’s death.
    We did when our precious girl Sabrina suddenly, became uncontrollably ill.
    She was shaking and her eyes were wandering strangely.
    Immediately we took Sabrina to the vet. Like within 30 minutes.
    Diagnosis was a very rare cancer.
    It develops when milk glands are not properly treated.
    Sabrina was a rescue. 2 years old.
    Fortunately, we loved her for 8 enjoyable months.
    We can never get over loosing this precious pup.
    Think about her every day.
    Sabrina was a carbon copy of the pup Toto, that stared with Judy Garland in ,,,, The Wizard of Oz.
    Brenda, I am equally heartbroken 💔 for your loss of Gracie.
    Thinking of you & Ivy.
    Hugs.

    1. It was at night when everything was closed. When I took her to the ER vet a few weeks ago, I couldn’t just walk in. I had to make an appointment and it was the same for all the ER vet places I called. I didn’t even realize I could ask for an autopsy. Kendra and I were just trying to figure out what to do at that late hour.

  7. A few yrs ago I went outside to see why my dog was barking so much.
    I looked up and saw gigantic wings that were coming to close barreling down from the sky, so I grabbed his run and pushed him inside the door fast! There was no time to unhook that long cord! I was shaking so much that I didn’t see if it was a hawk or eagle! I bent the bottom of my screen door alittle but my dog was safe! Ever since then I don’t let him go outside alone anymore!

    I’m giving u a big virtual hug right now Brenda! Gracie felt loved by u and she knew how lucky she was that u were her fur baby Mom!

    1. Best idea.
      Never leave a pet outside alone.
      We have a big yard.
      Always watching our lil girl Stacey!!

  8. I’m glad you can write about your grief and share your feelings with us. I’ve been keeping you close in my heart. You are such a good fur baby mama ~ any pet would be lucky to have you as their mama ~ and Gracie knew it. Gracie had a life (unfairly too short) of love.

    1. Melanie, how do we pet mamas manage to keep doing this? Loving them and losing them? When I found her, I just wanted it to be a nightmare and I’d wake up.

  9. Your post and all the replies are so heartwarming. We took all Kaia’s food, blankets, collars etc. to the shelter. They were so kind and asked all about her. Seeing how clean the facility was and how loving the volunteers were did my heart good. She was my first dog and we did not think she would be gone at 13 years. So sorry for your heart break. Please remember to take care of yourself.

  10. So very sorry about your beautiful Gracie. She was a lovely little thing. I’m sure Ivy feels that you are grieving and will give extra love.

  11. What a beautiful precious angel you had in Gracie. Gone way too soon. I pray you and Ivy can heal together and help each other with the loss of Gracie.
    God Bless

    1. I took lunch to my daughter today I picked up. I was only gone an hour or so. But now Ivy is right up here in my chair with me as she’s mostly been since it happened.

  12. Dear Brenda, I am so sorry of your loss. I cannot believe that Gracie Mae is gone. Have you thought about contacting your vet and explained how you found her and ask what his thoughts are on her passing? She was such a sweet, beautiful, little girl. I morn for her along with you. As you well know it is a day at a time process. Love and hugs.

  13. I’m happy that you are able to console yourself through your writings. It’s important to deal with your grief in a positive way, and that way is different for everyone. We are here to be your support group, lend an ear to, or a shoulder to cry on. Love and hugs to you and Ivy.

  14. My heart goes out to you! It is good therapy for you to express your feelings with your writing! We are all praying for you to get through this, and your heart to heal soon!

  15. My heart is absolutely breaking for you. One month ago my big orange tabby Milo and his brother Buster went missing. We fear that coyotes got them especially after we found a lot of Milo’s fur in the yard. We didn’t find blood or a body but a lot of that beautiful orange fur that was so distinctly his. I collected it and put it in a bag and I still have to. They were eight months old. I pray that maybe they got away and are lost but every day makes me less hopeful. Gracie Mae was a beautiful sweet girl and I know how you miss her. Her little life was cut way too short. I pray for comfort for you. She was a special gift for a short time. The same as my Milo and Buster.

      1. I have a volunteer cat. She chose me to provide her food service and occasional pet-pets. She will allow me to get her veterinary care. She will not come in the house. She hangs out in the garage, using her kitty door when neighborhood patrol time is done. Coming in the house is not happening. She is just a little too wild for that. I do worry. I have given her 12 years and counting that I think she would not have had without me.
        Someday, I’ll get an indoor-only cat thru a rescue operation, until then, I get to watch the neighborhood character on her cat business.

    1. I’m so, so sorry about Milo and Buster. We’ve been told here that the big hawks can take our cats and dogs, and I had that happen once in Texas. That cat was white mostly and her name was Bonnie. The vet there said the hawks were getting to lots of smaller animals. That’s one reason Gracie and Ivy never went out. And Ivy will never go out.

    2. Lisa ,,,,,,
      How did Milo & Buster go missing at such a very young age?
      We’re they both fixed?
      Not to make babies.
      Sad story. Such young kitties.
      Hopefully they both come home soon.

  16. Brenda,how beautifully you expressed your feelings and also the essence of little Gracie Mae. A blossom not yet a full blooming flower. So well said.
    I am so deeply saddened by her passing and for you. Celebrate dear Ivy, love her as we know you do. She shall be your path back to peace as she was when sweet Charlie passed.
    Love,
    Mary

  17. As I sit here in my very quiet home, I can feel your hurt and grief. They will eventually ease but you’ll always have your memories of that sweet furbaby. Just remember to hold on tight to the roller coaster of emotions you’re on. More hugs!

  18. My heart breaks for you. Thought my tears were over from your first post. But you continue to reach our hearts as did Gracie. Here but a short time but so well loved by all. Your words touch us all. You are a strong lady blessed with a strong heart with a great capacity for love. Be strong. Sit amongst nature and revel in the peace. Perhaps plant catmint in Gracie’s honor or a trailing rosemary. 🌹💕

  19. My sincere thoughts are with you. Having experienced something similar is there an electrical cord under the bed or anywhere that she could hv nibbled on? My deepest sympathy.

  20. Oh Brenda, this brings tears to my eyes to read this. I do understand your pain having lost so many pets along the years. Gracie was truly a special little baby.💓

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