I am sitting here drinking my iced coffee, listening to the mostly silent sounds around me.
Occasionally I hear the maintenance men outside near the shed, laughing and cutting up with one another.
But sometimes silence can be deafening.
Like when you ask an important question of someone, and you watch them attempt to dodge it, their eyes scurrying around the room as though looking for an exit.
And you know right then that whatever they are about to say, whenever they gather the courage to say it, you will wish you had not heard their answer.
But this silence is peaceful and transformative in the way it is calming me.
After yesterday I think I understand the words “bone tired.” I was both physically and emotionally exhausted by the time we got home from the vet’s office.
I felt like too much information was coming at me. My emotions were all over the place. Skittering around the room like mice looking for a hole in the wall.
“Worry is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.” – Arthur Somers Roche
Waiting for the vet to run the tests, from time to time I’d feel tears of worry gather. And I’d take a deep breath and force my mind to things I needed to do at home. Mundane every day things.
I still couldn’t help but think of the two Boston Terriers I lost four months apart years ago.
I couldn’t help but remember that I got my first real scare about Charlie’s health just five days after Abi died.
I couldn’t help but remember that my grief over losing Abi is still a sharp edged tool waiting to prod me at any moment.
I held Charlie and whispered to him. Told him it would be all right. That we would go home soon and I would feed him.
I was trying to calm both of us. I was trying to be positive.
We are not given promises in life. We take things as they come because we have no other choice.
Just because we know that no one lives forever, that immutable fact does not stop us from hoping against hope that the ghost of death will not visit us any time soon.
“Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.” – Swedish Proverb
I think of that cartoon where the character, I think it was Bugs Bunny, got run over by a truck. The rabbit would flatten like a pancake.
Then, like magic, he would spring back up again like a maniacal jack in the box, good as new.
I’m so tired. I feel like I’ve run a marathon. I’m so weary of my emotions and fears seesawing up and down, calming for a bit, and then spreading again like wildfire.
“Whatever is going to happen will happen, whether we worry or not.” – Ana Monnar
And so I am going to try to divert my mind from all the things worrying me, mostly about Charlie’s health, and try to live for today.
I am going to love him and enjoy him and laugh at his antics and try not to think about the day when I will no longer have him.
I know that worry will creep around the edges of my mind like light appearing around the pulled shades of a window.
I am just going to try my best to find peace for today, take a deep breath, and have hope for tomorrow.