One Month Since Gracie Died
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It’s now been one month since Gracie died. It can be six months or six years, and I will still mourn the loss of that sweet kitten I only had for such a short time.
Last night I lay in bed and went through my catalog of memories of her, trying to etch them into my mind forever.
I went over the cute little things she did that brought me such joy.
And then the heaviness of loss sends me tumbling down the rabbit hole of grief all over again.
“No one can truly understand the bond that we form with the cats we love until they experience the loss of one.“
– Unknown
Memories Of Gracie:
When she’d put her little head in the palm of my hand and rub against it, I’d be so happy just cradling her head and enjoying the warmth of her.
The best times with Gracie were at night when she’d curl up next to me and sleep while I read a book. I’d keep looking over at her and smile, so happy she’d made her way into my life.
During the night, she’d often wake me up by walking over my face and head. She’d decide she wanted to play at 3 a.m. And I’d always wake up to be present for her so she wouldn’t feel alone.
She came to me, a sweet little bundle of white fur and ginger accents, and I fell in love with her immediately. Her blue eyes stole my heart.
That little kitten was the sun, the moon, and the stars to me. She was a bright, bright light in my life, and she lit up every room she wandered into.
Gracie seemed to know that I was her mama from day one. She looked at me with her vivid blue eyes that seemed to say, “I’m yours as long as you’ll have me.”
And I wanted her for all time. I was just so grateful to have her be a part of our little family.
Then came that evening when I walked into my bedroom, and she was lying there on the floor, dead.
It was so hard to believe. I stood there in horror, blinking at the sight. What had happened to my sweet baby kitty?
“Your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle. Everything I do is stitched with its color.”
– W.S. Merwin
Was She Sick & I Didn’t Know It?
If she were sick, I didn’t pick up on it. I didn’t sense anything wrong, except for the day I took her to the pet ER several weeks earlier because she seemed a bit ill.
They filled her with fluids and sent her home with me. The vet said he didn’t see anything overtly wrong with her. He put my mind at rest, and I thought she would be okay, and the fear of losing her faded.
You see, I was her mama, and I feel like I should have known something was amiss. I feel like I let her down somehow. People can tell me the opposite was true till the end of time, but I can’t let go of that feeling.
I’m so sad that that bright light has been extinguished. I hope it glows somewhere else, for I can’t bear the idea that she just went away like a puff of smoke and disappeared altogether.
My Memories of Gracie:
The memories I have of her are of her bringing exquisite joy into my life. I had her here with me for such a short time. She was like a kite whose string slipped from my fingers and floated away.
I cry every time I think of how precious you were, and how you lit up my life with joy. And then suddenly you were taken from me.
My little Gracie Mae, you had such a short life, and you were gone way too soon. But I’ll hold you in my heart forever.
Sleep, my little darling, and maybe one day we’ll be together again.
Gracie Mae Pruitt: 2021-2022
I have tears running down my face reading this. I have lost several dogs but the good news is I know I will see them again. You might be curious as to why I am certain of this: When my dog Holly died I asked God to give me some comfort immediately the thought came into my mind when I would leave for work in the morning Holly would be sitting on the sofa before I left I would say to her I will see you when I get home. I know without a doubt when I leave this earth and arrive in Heaven not only Holly but every dog I had in my life will be there waiting for me, How do I know I am going to Heaven because Jesus said in order to enter the Kingdom Of Heaven you must be born again. John chapter 3 verse 3 I will pray for you Brenda.
I think everyone who reads your blog has a place in their heart for sweet Gracie. You helped us to get to know and love her even though it was from afar. Someone I know wrote this about grief (I don’t know if the words are actually hers): Grief never ends, but it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith; it is the price of love.” Those of us who have lost pets know it is a very high price, indeed.
I’m so sorry that the pain is still so fresh. I lost my little Schnickers a week ago Friday, it still feels like there are sharp rusty nails scraping the inside of my heart. We can heal together, you, I, and all the other grieving pet parents that sharing our pain. We can all support each other. Your blog has helped me so much. Thank you for sharing.
I’m so sorry, Brenda. She really was a sweet little soul. Thinking of you my friend.
It is nice you have so many lovely photos of her!! We have very few of our beloved dog we lost now over 11 yrs ago…we just have not taken many photos of anyone or anything for quite a few years now. I love the quilt colors she was laying on, on the couch too!! I hope some of them will bring you some consolation in times to come.
It’s only because I have this blog that I take so many photos.
I know one place Gracie’s bright light continues to shine and that is in the hearts of all of us.
That is so sweet…
Sending prayers . Last June my cat Gertie passed she was sick . But very unexpectedly in August, Ollie my mini poodle passed . I miss him a lot because he followed me everywhere. Now it just Hootie and I ,he is a Coton de tulear.
My great-grandmother’s name was Gertie. I’ve never known anyone else with that name. I’m so sorry for your losses…
Thank you
Renda, I’m so sorry for your loss of sweet Gracie. I lost my Daisy Mae three years ago today and I miss her still so much. I can only imagine how you must be feeling. This little quote helped me.
“If there ever comes a day when we can’t be togeter, keep me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever.”
I like to think that when my little Daisy passed, her sweet soul took up residence in a kitten just being born. That gives me comfort, too. Love and hugs to you and the beautiful Ivy.
I like the quote. I hope Gracie was born in another kitten’s body so her sweetness can still be alive.
Brenda, I know there are no words of comfort to offer. You feel the way you feel, and that’s ok. You will work things out in your own time. Everyone handles things differently. I wish I could help you, but please know I care, and am thinking about you, and I’m sending you lots of hugs!
Thank you. You’re right. No words can take away my pain.
Brenda, What a sweet tribute to your sweet Gracie. My heart hurts for you and for her and for Ivy as well. A family torn, but it will heal. Take heart. Sandra
It’s just so incredibly sad for a 10-month-old kitten to just die like that.
I’m so sorry, Brenda. Gracie is a sweetheart. I unexpectedly lost my Winston kitty last month. When I woke that morning I had no idea I was going to have to say goodbye. Our experiences are all different but the heartache is similar. Right after it happened I couldn’t even remember my little guy’s nick name. He had so many. Thinking of you and Ivy with kindness.
I’m so terribly sorry for your loss.
Ah, Brenda – Gracie was truly a special little girl and your mutual love was/is a beautiful thing. Sending you love today.
I loved the Merwin quote – I used it once as an epigram in my own writing. A needle searing the heart is exactly how it feels. I know.
Mary
Like someone stabbed me in the heart and left the knife in there.
Gracie’s coloring was just so unusual. I like the thought of writing her little names you might have called her down. Their personalities are all so special and different and she was definitely unique 💓
I called her my little love bug. Because she was so affectionate.
Ii understand your loss. I lost my 15 year old cat in October and I am still missing her. Cats are so good at hiding pain or illness….that is their nature. Please, do not blame yourself. Know that Gracie came into your life for a reason…either to help you or help Ivy or both. You will never forget her….I have a little book where I write down memories….little names I called them…things they did. They are with you for a reason…..and sometimes they have to leave to open up space for another.
I guess my memories are here on this blog.
I am so sorry Brenda, I can say I know how you feel, it has been 18 months since we lost Dexter and any thought or memory of him makes me cry. Simon can’t bear to go thru this again with another cat and as we are getting up there in age we would hate to die and leave him or her to go who knows where.
I’ve discussed this with my daughters. They will take whatever pets I have if I die before they do. I told them I’d haunt them forever if they didn’t.
Gentle hugs, Brenda!
Thank you.
I am so sorry Brenda. Loss of our babies is so painful and my prayers are with you.
We’re with our pets every single day. How can we not be completely devastated?
As someone who’s loved and lost quite a few kitties over the years I understand and share your pain on the the loss of this lovely little girl, Brenda. I, too, had unanswered questions and thoughts that I ruminated on for a long time. Like you, I live alone and my cats play a huge role in my life. I think the questioning, etc. is all part of the grieving process. I often had to remind myself that they had happy lives and that all the joy they gave me was worth the terrible pain of losing them. As you well know it all just takes time. Take care.
It probably is part of the grieving process. I did the same thing with Charlie and am still doing it. It’s like doubting myself is at least something concrete I can almost touch.
Gracie was so special. What a beautiful light in this world. I cry when I think about her. I don’t know what to say because I know it hurts so much but you were honored with her presence for such a short time and the love you gave to each other was beautiful. Keep loving her with your memories.
Oh Brenda! Your words are mine. The pain after losing a pet is unbearable. Sometimes it feels as if I can’t move. My mind and heart are completely frozen and I’m on autopilot. Pictures of Gracie broke my heart. The innocence and her sweet, sweet face. I’m just so sorry.
Grief is so hard. Loss is heart wrenching and I don’t think we ever get over it. I guess the best way through grief and loss is to find ways to cope. Little Gracie was a beautiful little soul even if her time was short.