The Passage Of Time
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With the passage of time come memories and recollections.
Every year in mid-May, the tree that hangs over one corner of my patio bursts into tiny white blooms. The heady scent perfumes the air. Butterflies and bees hover over the flowers.
I sit outside and breathe in the scent. It’s so incredibly sweet and fragrant. In a week or so the blooms will fade. Tiny bits of the blooms will fall and scatter all over the patio.
It reminds me that for everything, there is a season. Life is precious and often far too short. But seasons pass on by, I know. To the next one. Winter, spring, summer, or fall, Carole King would sing in her song “You’ve Got A Friend.” I always loved that song.
What Grief Is:
Grief is a wide yawning hole. You stand at the precipice and look down into a bottomless pit of sorrow. And then, unable to keep your balance, you fall in.
You swim in it until you’re so tired your arms grow weary. Sometimes you wonder if you should just give in and stop fighting the tide.
The worst part is that you have no choice in the matter. Life can take what is most precious to you. And suddenly you’re left to swim in a cold, dark place that at times threatens to pull you under.
It can happen in an instant. You can be happy, and life is normal, until it isn’t normal anymore.
Yet I smell the heavenly scent of the white blooms on the tree that I enjoy every year, and I feel no joy.
I think of my sweet Abi, of her bigger-than-life personality, and I can hardly bear it.
Taking Her Photo:
On the last day of Abi’s life, I took two photos. I hesitated before I took them. I didn’t want to remember her in pain. But I couldn’t stop myself. I photograph life, and what happened is part of life.
It is a desperately sad period that I won’t want to remember. But it is part of my story. It is Abi’s story.
I couldn’t let her go without recording her alive before the vet arrived at my door to help her cross the Rainbow Bridge.
She was sick and weak. Her left paw was wrapped in a bandage due to the intravenous fluids she’d been getting. It was the place they put the needle in.
There are all those firsts to face. And then the passage of time.
The first time I took photos of the patio was after Abi died. First time I mopped the floor after Abi died. The first time I went out after Abi died.
Surely the firsts won’t last too long. Or spring into my mind as a reminder of my loss for too much longer.
I think back weeks ago to when she started wetting my bed. The urine was colorless, like water. It had no odor. I remember finding that so odd. But I had a bit of a premonition then, I think.
Watching Charlie Closely Now:
I watch Charlie, and if he exhibits any strange behaviors or changes in habit, it strikes fear in me. Then I tell myself that he is grieving too. But the mama in me is on high alert.
This morning I finally stripped my bed because I couldn’t bear to do it before. It was where Abi slept. I wore the same clothing for two days because I’d held my baby while she died with those clothes on.
Then my daughter came yesterday to take me to lunch, and I reached into my closet for something else to wear.
I hate that every time you come here, you end up reading about my sadness. I’m sorry for that. Writing is how I’ve always made sense of things. How I’ve come to terms with things.
I know they say that time heals all wounds. That the passing of time is balm for the soul.
I know that the odds are that I will feel joy again. That I will smile and laugh again with the passage of time.
I just don’t know when that will be.
I know that you are a strong woman Brenda…you will never forget her but it will get easier and you will smile and laugh again…always remember the funny little things she has done…
So sorry for your loss…your grief is……very understandable….. a piece of your heart is with Abi . You are a caring and loving human Brenda………
Brenda, I wanted to tell you that I took photos or my dear Tavi a few minutes before he was euthanized, but I have been unable to bring myself to look at them on my camera and feel tearful and a fresh sense of loss every time I think of doing so. I will someday but only when I am ready. Thank you for sharing the last ones you took of Abi.
Oh, Brenda, your pain and grief over losing Abi are more than welcome by me and your other readers. Sometimes others assume that you should be over the deep sadness and sense of loss in whatever their time frame is. But only you, the grieving, know when you are “over” it. And sometimes even though the pain is less sharp it is always there and will be until you are laid to rest. Having lost a baby many years ago and just recently my beloved Labradoodle, Tavi, I do identify with the grief and sense of loss that follows. And I do know that it lessens, but also at times comes back in full force. You just ride the wave and survive. I know your grief over the loss of Abi will not be as sharp and constant as it is now, but don’t hurry it or put anyone’s time-table on it. I expect and welcome hearing how you and Charlie are doing without your beloved Abi for a long time to come in your posts. Thank you for trusting those of us who love and read your posts with these most personal feelings. I send Love ad Peace and give litttle Charlie some pats from me.
Please don’t apologize for sharing your grief. We who come here everyday love you and that little perky Abi was part of our everyday also. Time heals but as you say, you don’t know when. Our hearts are open for you at this sad time.
I still grieve for my boy Matt he will be gone 4 years this July I still miss him so. However it has gotten less . Hope you find comfort and peace.
Brenda, Grief has no time table and your readers are the “take the good with the bad” kind of people who will be with you every step of the way on your journey toward healing. Be gentle with yourself and just love on Charlie. Write as you wish, Write as you need. Writing is your gift of comfort and understanding. I think it is as therapeutic for you to write as it is for us to read. We are here.
Brenda, grieve away. All of us that have shared our lives with animals understand. Time will take away the sting. I can now walk thru my vineyards and no longer think of Fred with sadness. Now I think of the way his ears flopped when he ran thru the vines and I am happy. When I get to the area he is buried I can say hello to him and smile. This time will come to you as well. Give Charlie some extra hugs from me. Many hugs to you, Brenda.
Sorrow and grieving for our lost loved one are legitimate and painful emotions. We all experience them in our own ways, and we all work through them in our own ways, in time. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Brenda! Those of us who have lose a beloved pet companion understand completely your feelings. Yes, life goes on, but we take it back into us one step at a time after a loss, and each of us has a different pace.
You can share your grief with us, and we will share our “Abi” tears with you. When someone dear to us dies, it is important to talk about them to others. While many of us have lost pets , they will always be remembered. My fox terrier died 18 years ago, when he was 14, and I miss him still. But now I don’t cry, I smile and remember every single habit or goofy thing he used to do. Just know, dear
Brenda, your grief will soften, and sadness will linger, but the smiles will come, they really will, hang in there sweet lady. Hugs from WI, Bonnie
I know the grief of losing a beloved pet – they are so much more than that.
I remember losing my first animal, a cat, to cancer. Our other cat seemed to be experiencing the same symptoms. We took her to the vet and he explained that it was how she was experiencing grief.
I hope your grief lessens soon.
Animal owners know you’re pain. It is good to talk/write about it. Your heart will have a spot that will never heal, but will scab over to be picked at forever
Brenda, as I read this there are tears streaming down my face because I know exactly how you felt at that moment. It takes awhile but the grief subsides and I had her cremated. I have her ashes and I know that my girl had the best life ever, as did your sweet Abi.
The comments sent your way today express our feelings much better than I can. We want you to talk about Abi, we loved her too.
My heart is still breaking for you and with you, Brenda. But your ability to express it so honestly and eloquently is helping me to deal with my loss of my fur baby 16 months ago. When my tears flow (and they do) they are for me,for you,
for my lost baby and for the sweet Abi that you so generously shared with all of us who read your blog. Your words and pictures of her and Charlie made them so real that we all feel like we knew them personally. Please keep writing about her and your feelings. Believe me, that helps all of us.
Brenda,
You have been in my thoughts and prayers. I was lying in bed last night and thinking about you when I started remembering when my Romeo died and how terrible the pain was in my heart.
It is unbelievable how badly your chest can hurt with the feelings of loss and pain of your dog. Such unbearable pain, and the continual tears and sobbing that goes on for weeks.
One of my daughters thought that after a couple of months, I should not be crying about it anymore and thought I needed to get some counseling. I was terribly insulted and no longer talked to her about my pain.
I am still grieving for him and his passing has left a huge hole in my heart and my life is not the same. I am writing this with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.
You need to grieve as long as you want to and please feel free to talk to us about what you are going through. We all care about you and your little babies, and we will willingly share in your heartache.
Pets are like family….. I still miss my Artie after four years. He was one of your babies… you and your other baby are in my prayers…
Dearest Brenda,
It is good for you to tell us all how you are feeling. You cannot keep this inside. You HAVE to do that as it helps in the long road that is called healing…It is different with each person that inhabits this earth and whatever way that helps you to get through this, is what you need to do. We are all here sharing in your loss and sadness, but it is your very personal journey that you are taking right now. Will it get easier, yes, it will, but it will take whatever time you need. Nobody can tell you how long or how many more tears you will cry before it does. Hopefully it will get easier with each passing day. You WILL have joy again. Please understand and believe that, although right now there is none . You look at other people who are happy and you cannot understand what they are so happy about while you are grieving such a loss in your own life. I get it. It’s incredibly tough and definitely NOT easy. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings for strength and endurance, my friend.
Brenda, as a writer and as a feeling, caring person, it is your job to chronicle your life. As readers we absorb and feel your pain, your heartbreak, and when it returns, your joy. Never apologize – please continue to write what is in your heart. It’s healing.
There are so many things I want to say but everyone has already said it so much better than I can. I read every post and occasionally leave a comment – today I’m going to leave a BIG HUG!
It is good for you to share your grief with us. I think it helps more than carrying the burden by yourself. Most of us have been through the same thing and know exactly how you feel. I agree that time can make things better but I don’t think you ever completely get over it. We always carry the memory of our love for them and their’s for us. We are all thinking of you and praying, too.
as bobbi said everyone has nailed it love, happiness, death, sadness it is all life and will continue but we all want you to know we are here for you and will listen….happy or sad may you have charlie and both of you have good health for a long time pupster mama
I lost a loved sister this week. She was my best friend. Grief shared wraps around us
and shows us God’s love. Bless all who grieve.
Grief is so personal Brenda and like everything in life it is something we do not chose to do but sometimes are forced to do. It sucks and you have to endure the pain, loss and heartache. The only positive on grief is that time helps to make it easier to travel through it. Abi looked so tired and her eyes were telling of how she just wanted peace and no more pain. So when you look at those pictures remember she was asking you to do what was the best for her. You were so loving and unselfish to know it was time to let her go and to relieve her pain and suffering. I am sure Charlie is wondering what happened to his sister and feeling confused. Extra hugs for him and I wish I could come by and sit with you in your garden and give hugs to you and Charlie. This hurts so much. I have been there too and I will remind you to breath when the pain and hurt is at its worse with you. Deep breaths help. So sorry Brenda. Prayers and hugs for you.
Kris
at some point i know i will read all these wonderful comments. i just can’t this morning. but it’s this kind of friendship that means something. it sustains us in the dark.
i’m so glad you took her picture. she was a little camera hound you know. i think she loved it. and she so loved YOU. nothing else mattered. so it’s fitting you have them.
and even crying i can still see that she’s saying “i love you mom.”
sending you love. xo
I think it helps to share your grief and talk about your loved ones . Abi was a special little gal and I appreciate your sharing the ups and downs of life with her and Charlie. If you didn’t share your deep feelings, I would be concerned. Pour out your heart, for as long as you need.
Brenda, share all of the photos of Abi you want. We love to see them and we are grieving with you. When my dog died last summer it took me until December to get rid of her bed because it still smelled like her. Grieve how you need to, and joy will return.
Your flowers, your patio, your photos, your words are all so beautiful and they help not only you but your readers understand and know your love and your grief. Thinking of you and wishing you a lighter heart and wonderful memories of your Abi.
Not sure if this will help you but when my terrier died, I started a “Charlie” journal. Every day (or at least every week) I would put down on paper a memory of that wonderful dog. I know the pages in the journal are all crinkled and soiled by my tears but I sure enjoy reading that journal now. I think it helped me with the grieving process and now I can smile when I read the pages.
Brenda,
Experience your grief and ride with it,good days and bad ones.
When my husband died way back in 06,I was one of those people that put a smile on my face and told everyone I was fine,which was about as far from truth as I could get,my world had crashed and burned…In 2010 I had to put my beloved dog to sleep,that was the catalyst for sending me into a deep,dark depression,medicating with alcohol that I came very close to not surviving.
I think when our nests are emptied and our kids move on with their own lives,our first babies become substitutes for our nurturing gene.
Take all the time you need,reading your blog is a daily bonus.
” I THINK THE HARDEST PART OF LOSING A DOG YOU LOVE ISN’T HAVING TO SAY GOODBYE . . . IT’S THE WAY YOUR ENTIRE WORLD CHANGES WITHOUT THEM AND THE EMPTINESS THAT’S LEFT IN YOUR HEART WHEN THEY GO. ”
I STILL GRIEVE FOR EVERY BABY I HAVE HAD THE PRIVILEGE TO HAVE LOVED ME. AS PAINFUL AS IT IS, I WOULD NOT WANT TO MISS A MINUTE OF THE JOY THEY BROUGHT INTO MY LIFE.
I AM A BETTER PERSON BECAUSE OF THE EXPERIENCE.