There was a time I used to think the worst thing that could happen that day was that I wouldn’t have time to go to Marshalls and troll the dish aisle.
Things would end up in my cart that I didn’t need. But they were pretty. Pretty was real important.
I used to look forward to weekends. Eating out and doing a bit of shopping and maybe hitting the mall.
Then the eating out somehow became the worst part of the weekend. I hated the mall. The credit cards became like handcuffs that were beginning to cut into my skin.
I use to think not being part of a couple would be the end of the world.
I would be lonely.
What on earth would I do on weekends? I wouldn’t have anyone to hold me at night.
I used to think that love was what fed me and kept me breathing. Without it I might shrivel up and die.
I use to need a man in my life.
I wonder sometimes when the whole thing flip-flopped.
When being part of a couple became the most painful thing in my life.
When being a wife became a yoke around my neck and it was tightening all the time.
There are many things worse than being alone. One is sitting in a restaurant across from the person you were so over-the-moon in love with. And you can’t think of a thing to say. Not a darned thing.
I use to sit outside and stare at my beautiful gardens and try to remember when I began to hate weekends.
I didn’t want to leave my flowers. But I wanted to leave my life. I wanted to get in a car and drive so fast the dust kicked up behind me in a cloud that obscured the past.
The Marshalls’ dishes collected dust. I had far too many dishes for two people to use. I began to see how ridiculous it all was. The high you get when you buy something pretty becomes the low you feel at the thought of packing them all up.
So many pretty things that twinkled in the aisle and caught your eye are just baggage you have to figure out what to do with.
I don’t get lonely on weekends. I don’t get depressed because I’m not part of a couple. I don’t feel deprived because I can rarely afford to go out to eat.
All I feel is relieved that the walking on eggshells is finally over.
And I can just sit and do nothing and be content with that. I love silence now. It is the sweetest of sounds. It brings a sense of peace I never had before.
I guess I was running from the truth. From myself. From all the misconceptions I had clung to.
Sometimes the very thing you think will shut you down is what will bring you back. Sometimes you don’t even realize you are sinking until a hand reaches down and you look back behind you and see what a distance you have fallen.
What you used to believe was the worst that could happen, has happened.
And oddly enough it was the thing that set you free.