Yesterday I went back to Flemings Shoe Store to see if they could suggest a shoe to encompass the brace.
My shoe over the brace makes the shoe feel too small. My toes are pushed against the end. Which makes it painful.
The guy helping me said people who come in with this predicament (a brace) have to buy bigger shoes for the foot wearing the brace.
Well, of course. But then that means you’re left with one shoe that sits in the closet.
Trying On Shoes:
We tried shoes all the way up to Size 9, and I’m a Size 7 with narrow feet. Nothing seemed to work.
Finally, I bought the same sneakers I had purchased from them previously, but in a half bigger size. The very same shoe.
It doesn’t seem to make all that much difference because my big toe still seems smushed up against the end.
Underneath my foot, the brace doesn’t go all the way down to my toes. It only goes about three-quarters of the way, and I guess that shifts my foot forward.
So I paid $200 basically for one shoe, because of course they only sell them in pairs.
Problems I Hadn’t Thought About:
I don’t know what I thought when I got this brace.
Somehow I had the hope that my problems would be diminished a great deal. I never thought about how I would manage to put a shoe over the hard material.
So I left wearing one old shoe and one new shoe to Southwood’s nursery because I was not far away.
I hadn’t been there yet this spring. Usually, by now I’ve bought new plants and I’m outside planting like crazy.
Yesterday I had gotten the blue pots I ordered a few years ago out of my little storage closet off the patio. So I was ready to look at plants.
Shopping At The Garden Nursery:
At the garden nursery, I picked out herbs and a couple of hosta plants, and coral bells (Heuchera) for my shady garden.
And I guess out of habit I bought pineapple sage because I always buy it. I bought it for Charlie because he liked to go outside and nibble on it when his stomach was upset.
When I got ready to pay for my plants there were longer lines than I’d anticipated.
It took forever it seemed. By the time I got to the cashier, I was in so much pain. I was hopping on my left foot and had my right foot elevated on the bottom part of the cart as I rolled it along.
Finally, I asked the cashier if there was someplace I could sit down. Because when I’m in that much pain I am panting and I start to feel a bit dizzy.
Maybe the cashier was new. Or maybe she was having a bad day.
She said: “I’m sorry I’m so slow.” But she said it in an angry way, and I was kind of offended. As well as embarrassed.
I’d told her I was in pain and just needed to sit down. Another cashier had heard and gone somewhere for a wheelchair for me. I didn’t even know they had them.
I didn’t say any more to the cashier but apologized to the people behind me for I don’t know what. Just felt like I needed to be sorry for something.
I felt selfish somehow for going there in the first place when I had no idea how long I could walk or stand up.
I was embarrassed and angry. Embarrassed by her anger and also because everyone behind me must have heard her.
It’s hard getting old. A word comes to mind that I’ve always avoided: Infirm. Especially as a person ages, the word infirm is often bandied about.
(The plants that you see in the pots are not actually planted in the pots. They’re just set inside the pots while I figure things out.)
A Somewhat Hard Time Of Year:
At this time of year, I have often thought: When will this damn month be over anyway?
Because once we’re into May, my mind can put down the heavy box from the past.
Do you think the child in you carries that heavy box through the years simply because that child can’t find the proper place to put it down?
Why did I have to lose Gracie at a time when my emotions are already jagged from memories of the past?
Why did I have to lose Gracie at all?
I’m all over the place today. So I guess I’ll just end it here and go outside, sit on my patio, and enjoy the nice weather.
“Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive.”
― Danielle Bernock